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The End

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For years now, we’ve discussed the end; specifically when we were going to put an end to the possibility of more babies and who was going to, you know,  take care of it. I’d looked in to procedures for me. I’d even considered having my tubes tied after the twins since I was having a c-section anyway, but couldn’t have it done because we were in a catholic hospital. For years, we’ve danced around it, both certain we didn’t want any more babies, but not certain enough to go through with anything permanent. Until now, that is.  Ed is scheduled for surgery next week.

Which, you know, is great. I never thought he’d be the one to do it. Never EVER, and even though it’s a bit more complicated (he can’t have it in office; has to be put under), he’s still going through with it. I’m relieved to be able to say once and for all that we are done and not have to worry about it, but at the same time, I am very very sad.

I can say without a shred of doubt that I don’t want another baby. I don’t look at our family and feel like anyone is missing. We have 5 perfect children. I am certain that we are all here. I don’t want to ever be pregnant again. For the better part of 10 years, my body was not my own. Pregnancy was hard on me–especially the last 2 times. I don’t think I could handle being physically and mentally taxed that way again, even if I did want to. So, if I am secure in knowing these things, why is it so hard?

It feels like more than the end of an era to me. We will look back on the years of 2003-2013 as the years we were growing and having babies. 10 solid years. Putting a permanent stop to it just seems so final to me, and it kind of makes me feel like “now what?”. We keep raising these 5 kids obviously, but before we know it, they will be gone. Living their own lives and THEN what? We sit around waiting to die, I guess.

Ok, I don’t think that I really feel that way, but it’s hard to not feel like everything is bleak and dark and terrible. I think about the early phase of pregnancy where only a few people know, and it is just the best and most exciting secret ever. And then when everyone knows, and is caught up in the anticipation and waiting for the new baby: boy or girl, who it look like, what kind of small person it will be. And then to those newborn days…man I just love having a newborn around to snuffle and to be all consumed with their care. It is probably one of my very favorite things. And it’s just over now.

 I know that I’m done with that phase of life. By choice. I don’t want any more babies. But to make it official well, it’s just very hard to process all of the feelings that come along with it. Telling myself that we are all here now and looking at their faces is a great comfort. Really, it helps; so much so that I am going to say it here. Our family is done growing. We are all here.

I might need a little bit of time, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be ok.

8 responses »

  1. It’s a hard/weird transition.

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  2. GRANDKIDS!!! This is the beauty of having 5 of your own there are almost CERTAINLY grandkids (or 20) in your future!

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  3. while I have only been pregnant 3 times, I totally get you! I keep telling nate that I want to get pregnant again… Not because I want another kid right now, but all that stuff you said ❤️

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  4. “Sit around waiting to die, I guess.” lol. Hopefully not true, but it does feel a wee bit true, doesn’t it? It’s a hard phase, the transition. We’re mostly through it now, but it was probably the weirdest couple years of our relationship, the last two, just because we knew we were done, we were waiting to figure out who would be the one to make it official and when, etc. But I am telling you, it is SUCH a great feeling now it’s all over. I don’t have a shred of regret. There’s something very nice about closure. But it is a new dynamic in a relationship, if you’re more or less constantly been reproducing for the last decade. I feel you!

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  5. It’s so hard.. and it’s so hard to see, from where you are. I felt the same way. And felt like I was invisible now that I had useless toddlers, no one likes toddlers, they like cute babies, no one likes preschoolers and no one cares about my older kids… but then I met people who had similar boring fates, and I got used to my body being my own, and so many other good things! They can make their own small meals now! and wipe their own butts! And I can ignore them if I want to, and do the things I want to do, and suddenly there’s all these personal things I want to focus on for ME alone.

    I was watching a mom chase a toddler, pick him up over and over, keeping him from getting into the soccer game.. and I was sitting there without a care int he world thinking, I’m so glad that’s not me. That’s when I knew haha.

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  6. You aren’t technically done having kids. From what I understand vasectomy’s can be reversed right? When I had my tubes tied I was okay with it because I knew that procedure could be reversed if for some reason I ever lost my sanity and wanted another kid. However, having my hysterectomy was kind of hard. That is final, super duper final. At first it was easy, but there have been many times in the four years since the surgery that I’ve gotten upset thinking that I don’t even have the parts to have a baby if I wanted one now. I cannot afford a surrogate, nor is that something I would ever do. I technically still have one ovary so I guess if I wanted a baby bad enough we could go that route, but….having the option taken entirely away from me is weird. Super weird, like I’m defective now that I can’t have a baby that I don’t even want to have. Luckily if you guys change your mind your body still has the ability to carry a baby and his body still has the ability to make the stuff needed to have a baby…so maybe it’s not totally permanent!

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  7. We are all here. I like that way of putting it. For a long time I had a feeling we had one missing, another boy specifically, but we got a late start with kids and two was about all we could manage so we stopped there. I have no regrets but every now just a tinge of sadness.

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  8. I remember being there, you will get over it, and discover things and hobbies and yourself and. well.. you’ll see.. but I hated that “now what?” feeling so much. And I wasn’t really done. But I’m content now. It’s just weird to not be able to if we wanted to. You know, like if we got hit in the head with an errant meteor and had a significant lapse in judgement hehe. I knew I was past it when I was glad it wasn’t me dragging that baby bucket around, or me chasing that toddler around at the soccer field. Now I can look at the moms wrestling preschoolers at the pool and remember those days, and at the same time be glad I will never have to put a bra on in a shower stall while i’m still wet and sticky and simultaneously keep 3 kids from licking the floor…

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