For years now, we’ve discussed the end; specifically when we were going to put an end to the possibility of more babies and who was going to, you know, take care of it. I’d looked in to procedures for me. I’d even considered having my tubes tied after the twins since I was having a c-section anyway, but couldn’t have it done because we were in a catholic hospital. For years, we’ve danced around it, both certain we didn’t want any more babies, but not certain enough to go through with anything permanent. Until now, that is. Ed is scheduled for surgery next week.
Which, you know, is great. I never thought he’d be the one to do it. Never EVER, and even though it’s a bit more complicated (he can’t have it in office; has to be put under), he’s still going through with it. I’m relieved to be able to say once and for all that we are done and not have to worry about it, but at the same time, I am very very sad.
I can say without a shred of doubt that I don’t want another baby. I don’t look at our family and feel like anyone is missing. We have 5 perfect children. I am certain that we are all here. I don’t want to ever be pregnant again. For the better part of 10 years, my body was not my own. Pregnancy was hard on me–especially the last 2 times. I don’t think I could handle being physically and mentally taxed that way again, even if I did want to. So, if I am secure in knowing these things, why is it so hard?
It feels like more than the end of an era to me. We will look back on the years of 2003-2013 as the years we were growing and having babies. 10 solid years. Putting a permanent stop to it just seems so final to me, and it kind of makes me feel like “now what?”. We keep raising these 5 kids obviously, but before we know it, they will be gone. Living their own lives and THEN what? We sit around waiting to die, I guess.
Ok, I don’t think that I really feel that way, but it’s hard to not feel like everything is bleak and dark and terrible. I think about the early phase of pregnancy where only a few people know, and it is just the best and most exciting secret ever. And then when everyone knows, and is caught up in the anticipation and waiting for the new baby: boy or girl, who it look like, what kind of small person it will be. And then to those newborn days…man I just love having a newborn around to snuffle and to be all consumed with their care. It is probably one of my very favorite things. And it’s just over now.
I know that I’m done with that phase of life. By choice. I don’t want any more babies. But to make it official well, it’s just very hard to process all of the feelings that come along with it. Telling myself that we are all here now and looking at their faces is a great comfort. Really, it helps; so much so that I am going to say it here. Our family is done growing. We are all here.
I might need a little bit of time, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be ok.