Ugh. Yesterday.

I felt like such a bad Mom.

I swear to you I yelled all day at those kids. Screamed. Me. At them.

It was a bad, bad day.

At bed time, after numerous “time outs” Eddie and I were having a talk; I was sitting in his bed and we discussed why he should listen to me when I tell him to do something once. (like not to jump over the back of the love seat, roll on to the cushions and then on to the floor) I made a mistake and told him that he was acting like “bad Anthony”, a boy from his class. I had to apologize and tell him that it wasn’t a nice thing to say, not because Anthony isn’t bad (because he is hell on wheels) but because Anthony has a bad life with no daddy around and a Mommy who works a whole lot. I told him he was a good boy and that we’d had a hard day.

He looked me in the eyes, serious as anything.

“I know I’m good mommy. I try to teach Anthony how to be good. And I am really sick of you hollering all the time.”

Me too.

I didn’t sleep and cried most of the night.

My biggest fear is fucking my kids up.

Or that they’ll hate me when they are grown and look back.

I’m at a loss as to what to do; how to balance it all.

Both kids were sweet as pie this morning, but for me, it has been a very depressing day.