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How to Diet Like a Man (in 11 easy steps)

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Step 1: Lament for a few weeks that it is probably time to start watching what you eat, all the while gingerly rubbing your belly.
Step 2: See your doctor for something unrelated and bring up the subject of diet. Scoff at his suggestion that you see a nutritionist since you don’t like healthy food, and can’t see how having a donut and cup of coffee for breakfast 5 days a week is really all that bad for you—isn’t not eating anything at all just as bad??
Step 3: Decide to finally pay attention to what you eat anyway. Ask your wife for some tips—hey, she’s ALWAYS dieting.
Step 4: Laugh at suggestions of small frequent snacks and protein. A hardboiled egg? No. Oatmeal not loaded with brown sugar? No way. No, really. What are you supposed to eat? Almonds?
Step 5: Spend day 1 of your “diet” really paying attention to what you are eating. After breakfast, have a small handful of almonds. Eat an early lunch because you are SO! HUNGRY! By 2PM declare yourself too hungry to do anything; concentrate or work. Take a nap until 4PM when the kids get home. Decide that you can’t deal with STARVING and eat a bowl of cereal.
Step 6: Have a sensible dinner with your family and talk about how hard it was to get through your day of “dieting”. Declare yourself to still be starving after dinner. Make plans for bedtime snack. Pretend you don’t see the eye-rolls from your wife.
Step 7: Plot strategies for day 2 to stop yourself from being hungry to the point of nausea. Be determined to have a better day tomorrow.
Step 8: Begin Day 2! Apply techniques from day 1 but delay nap until 4PM. Call your wife repeatedly to ask for advice that you won’t take.
Step 9: Ask your wife to consult Google, because there surely has to be a better way. Don’t believe her when she tells you there isn’t and to suck it up and learn to be hungry; that it’s mostly in your head and that it gets better.
Step 10: As Day 2 ends, tell your wife that it’s too hard. Jokingly (but not really) ask her for permission to just give up and live life fat and happy; a heart attack waiting to happen. Watch and be amused as your wife’s head explodes.
Step 11: Begin day 3 on your own.

9 responses »

  1. Hahaha! Homer's approach to dieting goes something like this:Stop drinking beer.The end.AND it works for him! Bugger.

    Reply
  2. BWAHAHAHHAAHA. Totally funny post. J. is the same way, only he'll eyeball everything *I* eat and ask about its caloric content and then make snide remarks. I tell him when he finally eats a vegetable or fruit, he can comment on what I eat. Until then, he can CRAM IT.

    Reply
  3. "There surely has to be a better way." HAHAHAHAHAHA IF ONLY.

    Reply
  4. Some things are so universal, this is definitely one of them.

    Reply
  5. I think men, who in my experience dramatically OVERRATE their own hotness, just are not sufficiently motivated to be healthy until something scary happens. It seems like all of the male success stories I've ever read start with someone close to the guy dropping dead. Whereas women are so much more motivated at an earlier age, what with the whole body image thing.Still, irritating. Especially when it would be so EASY for them to lose weight, if only they would EXPEND THE SLIGHTEST EFFORT.

    Reply
  6. Love it!I stopped buying potato chips and pop YEARS ago to help both my husband and me (really, it DOES help me that if the crap isn't readily accessible I won't eat it). SOMEHOW we always MAGICALLY have pop/potato chips around the house. HOW does this happen? Hmmmm…?

    Reply
  7. Step 12, and to me this is the part that will cause me to die young: Lose 20 pounds anyway, then act like wife must be doing it wrong to not get same results.

    Reply
  8. Poor Hubs. It is hard. Maybe buy him a book like South Beach or tell him to join WeightWatchers. That way someone else is telling how to lose weight…not you.And Swistle's point is so true. Suck.

    Reply

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