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Aaack.

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The thing about putting stuff out there on the internet is that now, if I do fail, everybody will know. This is all so much a mental thing for me. Already, my brain is telling me that I’m never going to make it through 12 weeks.  That I’m not good enough. That even if I do make it through, it won’t be worth it OR that I’ll just go back to my old ways later on.

I was talking with my brother (M) about our youngest brother (T) this week. I’ve been pretty vocal about not being happy about his life choices, and the upheaval he insists on causing our family. M thinks that subconsciously, T has learned from our mother that no matter what, someone will always just be there to bail you out and take care of you. No matter how awful things get. No matter the consequence. And while this is some deep shit to get in to, it really resonated with me. He may not be wrong. I am something of a successful adult but I have to work hard to overcome an attitude of “Meh…things will work out just fine…” and actually get off of my ass and do things. I think am more like her than I really care to admit. I’m not calling my mother out for being a horrible person here. I’ve mostly made peace with the person she is and I know she will never change. I have decided to love her anyway. My kids think she hung the moon, and they never have to live with her day in and day out, so it’s good. It’s fine. I’m rambling.

But. BUT. I have a point.

She posted on Facebook maybe two weeks ago that she was finally done.  Quitting smoking. She had support and just knew she could do it. (She doesn’t smoke around my kids, FYI) You see where this is going, yes? She lasted maybe a day or two and just goes on acting like she never said anything. So, I guess my fear is that now that I’ve made the sweeping declaration, that I’m going to fail too, but maybe try to hide it. Or act like I never said I wanted to do this. This is maybe The Crazy coming out. I don’t know.

What I’m thinking here is that the biggest obstacle I have to overcome is myself. I need to be accountable to my support person, and to Ed, but the number one person I need to show that I CAN actually do this, is me. I think the only way to make it happen is to take it day by day.  It’s still super scary, but taking it one day at a time makes it less so. I can do this. I will do this. I’m not talking myself out of it today. If I need a mantra, that will be it.

*****************

In other news, I’ve signed up for My Fitness Pal, purchased a FitBit, and am considering a good blender for smoothies and juices. I also started a separate blog to talk about what I’m doing. Let me know if the comments if you want the blog link or if you want to be friends with me on the other things and I will email you. I feel like the more people I have on my side, the better. Most of the time my excitement outweighs the terror. Yes.  I’m excited. Let’s go with that.

13 responses »

  1. You can do it! I know what you mean, I don’t usually announce it when I’m making big changes. I feel like you do, so I often keep it quiet. But then there’s no accountability and encouragement…which I think is much better. Take that leap. No judgement from me if you slip up. I expect it, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.

    Reply
  2. So smart to break it into smaller chunks… it’s not a 12-week program, but a daily program. So much less daunting and so much more achievable.

    I have a Fitbit and I really like it. It’s bizarre, but I’m so proud when I get a new badge or receive my weekly email and I did better than the week before. I would love to follow along on your other blog. 🙂

    Reply
  3. I think this is wonderful. Good luck! Would love the link.

    Reply
  4. I’d also like to get the link. I’m in the middle of my own weight loss journey. One I haven’t told real people in my life about, but one that I have no problems talking about on Twitter and blogging about.

    Reply
  5. OBV will need link to healthkick blog kthx

    Reply
  6. velocibadgergirl

    I’m cheering you on!! And I’d like the link to your other blog 🙂

    Reply
  7. I just started low-carb eating a week ago and what a difference. No more round the clock heartburn and I just “feel” better. Been a long time reader of your blog, would love to follow you on the other one. 🙂

    Reply
  8. I would love to cheer you on!–here or elsewhere.

    Reply
  9. I would love to cheer you on! I’m kind of in the same boat, so I know how powerful having support truly is! Go, Sara, go!

    Reply
  10. Of course I want the other blog link. DUH!

    You CAN do this. You ARE worth it. And I will be your cheerleader or your support person or your Mrs. Accountability anytime you want/need it.

    Reply
  11. I would like to follow along on your other blog. I lost some weight 2 years ago and have kept it off until these past few months when 10 pounds of it has come back. I’m working hard to get it back off.

    Reply
  12. I’d love the link. I so relate. I went on a long health kick last year and lost a lot of weight, but then when people started noticing, that’s w hen I slacked off. I gained 10 lbs back and now I’ve been hovering around this one point and I can’t get around it. I exercise daily and have a job that has me literally running around for 3 hours a shift but I’ve been struggling not to gain. And then I say fuck it and eat what I want. It’s SO hard! And it’s not something I or you or anyone can help anybody else with. I realized the one long success was just a sheer streak of willpower, and it’s a delicate balance. It teaches you about cumulative effects, if nothing else. I wish you strength!!!

    Reply
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