The thing about putting stuff out there on the internet is that now, if I do fail, everybody will know. This is all so much a mental thing for me. Already, my brain is telling me that I’m never going to make it through 12 weeks. That I’m not good enough. That even if I do make it through, it won’t be worth it OR that I’ll just go back to my old ways later on.
I was talking with my brother (M) about our youngest brother (T) this week. I’ve been pretty vocal about not being happy about his life choices, and the upheaval he insists on causing our family. M thinks that subconsciously, T has learned from our mother that no matter what, someone will always just be there to bail you out and take care of you. No matter how awful things get. No matter the consequence. And while this is some deep shit to get in to, it really resonated with me. He may not be wrong. I am something of a successful adult but I have to work hard to overcome an attitude of “Meh…things will work out just fine…” and actually get off of my ass and do things. I think am more like her than I really care to admit. I’m not calling my mother out for being a horrible person here. I’ve mostly made peace with the person she is and I know she will never change. I have decided to love her anyway. My kids think she hung the moon, and they never have to live with her day in and day out, so it’s good. It’s fine. I’m rambling.
But. BUT. I have a point.
She posted on Facebook maybe two weeks ago that she was finally done. Quitting smoking. She had support and just knew she could do it. (She doesn’t smoke around my kids, FYI) You see where this is going, yes? She lasted maybe a day or two and just goes on acting like she never said anything. So, I guess my fear is that now that I’ve made the sweeping declaration, that I’m going to fail too, but maybe try to hide it. Or act like I never said I wanted to do this. This is maybe The Crazy coming out. I don’t know.
What I’m thinking here is that the biggest obstacle I have to overcome is myself. I need to be accountable to my support person, and to Ed, but the number one person I need to show that I CAN actually do this, is me. I think the only way to make it happen is to take it day by day. It’s still super scary, but taking it one day at a time makes it less so. I can do this. I will do this. I’m not talking myself out of it today. If I need a mantra, that will be it.
In other news, I’ve signed up for My Fitness Pal, purchased a FitBit, and am considering a good blender for smoothies and juices. I also started a separate blog to talk about what I’m doing. Let me know if the comments if you want the blog link or if you want to be friends with me on the other things and I will email you. I feel like the more people I have on my side, the better. Most of the time my excitement outweighs the terror. Yes. I’m excited. Let’s go with that.