Category Archives: Uncategorized

(I swear I wrote this yesterday, but my huge project at work is leaving me a bit crazed.)

When I was a Blockbuster manager, my favorite thing to do was to set up the Employee Favorites section. We would decorate nameplates with clip art and really have a good time with it. I always made it a point to watch some of everyone’s favorites. We got 5 free rentals a week—10 actually because Hub was a manger in another location, so it wasn’t hard to do. And because of this, my favorites were always changing. The joys of being young and carefree, I suppose. Now, I don’t have a ton of time for movies. Hub and I will get one on demand once or twice a month, if that. We watch a lot of kids movies. We don’t stay up very late. It happens. At least this way though, I’m not constantly adding movies to my favorite list. I can’t pick just one though, so let’s pretend I’m setting up the old Employee Favorites wall again and I will pick between 5 and 8 to display on my wall.

1. The Sound of Music
2. When Harry Met Sally
3. She’s All That
4. Titanic (ok, L.A.M.E I know)
5. Dazed and Confused
6. Heart and Souls
7. The Negotiator
8. Music and Lyrics

Tell me, what would be on your wall?

Hub has asked me many times through the years exactly why I am not more disgruntled about my childhood. It wasn’t a good time by many standards. We were poor, my parents’ house was foreclosed on, we moved in with neighbors, and then finally in to a large apartment above a pizzeria in the Polish section of The City. Our clothes were hand-me-downs, food often came from the food pantry, and I have vivid memories of standing in line for cheese. We only sometimes had a car, sometimes had cable, and rarely had anything extra.

“But your mom always had cigarettes and booze, right?” Hub reminds me. And she did. But we were always warm, never hungry, went to Catholic school, and it always seemed like enough. When you’re a kid, normal is whatever your experience has been. It was normal to walk to the grocery store and push a cart home. I didn’t know any better, so it was fine. And later when I was 11, when we moved to a far off suburb because my parents were doing better for themselves, and I started going to public school, I learned what it felt like to be seen as different and not enough. It didn’t matter that I was clean, or that I was nice. It mattered that my clothes came from layaway at Hills and that my white high tops were knockoffs. And that my perm and my olive skin made me look “mixed”. Things that never mattered before mattered now. And that’s when I started to grow up, and continued to grow, and try to be just like everyone else. From the time I was 11, until about the age of 14 I tried really hard to be one of those girls. Saving my babysitting money to buy better clothes and better shoes. Going out of my way to prove that I was just as good as everyone else. And I was miserable. And then high school came, and I settled in with my group of friends as myself, and I never looked back.

That was a bit of a digression, I suppose, but in my long and drawn out way, what I was meaning to say was that when times were “bad” I was happier and better adjusted than when they were ”good”. Then, I had no idea that my mother was drunk; she was just Mama. Everything was as it always had been. Normal. We might not have had luxuries like designer clothes and name brand cereal and it never mattered. Something we always had though, were my dad’s records. And boy, did he ever have a lot of them.

My parents were old school in their musical tastes. If we weren’t listening to “oldies” on the radio, we were listening to my dad’s rock albums from the 70’s. Queen, Yes, and Meatloaf to name a few. And if we were in a mellow mood, my mother had Cat Stevens, James Taylor, and one of my favorites, the soundtrack from The Sound of Music. And really, music was what we did on the weekends. We would crank it up, and dance in our family room like it was nobody’s business. And these are the memories that I have from my childhood. Dancing my fool head off with my parents and my brother like nothing in the world mattered. Because really, it didn’t.

So without further ado, I give you my 2 favorite songs of all time. The first, my favorite long before it was a karaoke staple: Meatloaf, Paradise by the Dashboard Light

And the second, long before Wayne and Garth headbanged to it in the early 90’s: Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

Though I’m always adding songs to the list, these have been my songs for more than 20 years. Do you have any songs that have stood the test of time?

I’ve never really made it a secret that I have a hard time making friends. The friends that I do have, that are not in my computer that is, are the same friends I’ve had since middle school. People I grew up with, who know me and accept me and blah-de-blah blah. We all have separate lives though, and I don’t live in my hometown, so we don’t see each other very often. And I have work friends, you know, and we’ll do the occasional shopping trip, or dinner and drinks whatever, but mostly I’m an antisocial homebody.

And really, I am ok with that.

So anyway, Hub and I have been very active on our school’s Pee Tee Aye (hereafter referred to as TAP like my friend Misty always did for fear of being found) and in doing so, we’ve made a lot of new friends, right in our neighborhood. Hub is a very social talkative kind of guy; I am not such a girl. This works for me. We have fun at the meetings and at events, and while we’re putting activities together. It’s good. Now, for as social as Hub is, he is horrible with names. And he knows he is, so he does his best not to use people’s names unless he has to.

This is where my story begins.

A few weeks ago, Hub stayed after the TAP meeting to help a couple of the girls up in the attic. While he was up there, he got a phone call from K, the VP. While they were talking, one of the girls in the attic yelled to Hub to ask K if she wanted to go card making. The name situation got in the way, and he just randomly said in to the phone, “I’m supposed to ask you if you want to go card making.” Which she took to mean that I wanted to go, and got excited about it, and told him she’d call me. He didn’t remedy the situation for fear of looking dumb.

He came home and told me about it, and I didn’t really give it any more thought, until she texted me the next day. And here we are, the night of, and I am kind of shitting my pants about going out for a night with people who I don’t know very well outside of school. Every socially awkward situation that could happen is running through my head. From the time K picks me up (first) to the end of the night. I need a valium or something.

Plus, I have no idea how to make cards, you guys. I’ve tried to be crafty, OH, have I tried. I’m pretty good at stenciling. But cutting? Gluing? Yeah…no.

So, this all occurs from 6-10:30 tonight. I am generally looking forward to it—my own issues aside. A girls’ night with people my age. And it will be fine, I’m sure.

Plus, I hear there will be wine.

When FIL finished his treatment for prostate cancer over the summer and came back with a clean bill of health, we were relieved. The doctors did their scans to ensure the cancer wasn’t just gone from the prostate, but that it hadn’t spread anywhere. It hadn’t. FIL was feeling well and was back to his old self. Midway through the summer though, he started having horrible pain and an odd numbness in his hip. He went from chasing the kids around the yard to being able to watch them from a chair, to not being able to sit or stand for long periods of time at all. This occurred in a matter of weeks.

So he did what anyone would do, and called the doctor. They ran some tests that were inconclusive and began treating him for arthritis. There were pain pills and he now had a cane and walker. Still though, the pain worsened. And back and forth he went from doctor to doctor, from test to test, with nary a diagnosis. Finally, his primary doctor called in the oncologist. A biopsy was done on the hip. They found cancer in his bone. It wasn’t bone cancer though; it was coming from someplace else. Which warranted a PET Scan. Which showed lung cancer that had spread not just to his hip, but to an arm and his back as well.

Then there were pain patches so there was a constant stream of medication in his system. There were calls to the pharmacist to talk about the pain patch and how it might affect his COPD. There was the draining of his waterbed and buying him a new mattress. There was a trip to Target to get new bed linens and pillows. There are now daily trips to radiation, shuttled by Hub or me because he just can’t do it on his own. We are fixing his meals for him and delivering them to his room because walking to the kitchen and carrying a plate takes too much effort; hurts too badly. We find him slumped over, sleeping with his head on his table because he’s too tired to make it to the bed.

He still makes it down the stairs to go outside for a smoke though.

When Hub’s mom was sick, it was different. It was in her head more than it was in her body. Even as I saw her in the hospital on the day of her death, I never believed that she was actually going to die. She had acquired an infection while in the hospital. Treatable, if they got her breathing under control. But, she chose to stop all treatment and died in Hub’s arms within a matter of hours. Still, until it happened, I didn’t believe it could.

This is different. When we read the literature about prostate cancer, it spoke to how it was hard to gauge recurrence over a 5-10 year period because men were typically older when they were treated. Often, they died of other causes before the 5 or 10 year mark. This really made us think, you know? FIL is 69 and not in very good health to begin with. How long does he have left?

Now especially, who knows?

We have 12 more days of radiation and then he starts chemo. I hate to think what effect that’s going to have on the kids, who are so eager to spend time with Grandpa, even if he can’t make them snacks, or take them out in the yard or to McDonalds anymore. It’s going to be worse before it is better. And what if it doesn’t get better?

I don’t think I can even think about that right now.

We all know that we’re going to die someday. We know that we’ll lose our loved ones. But there is no way to fully prepare for it. Or to prepare your children for losing, really, their 3rd parent.

So what do we do, besides press on? Keep on keeping on, right? We’ll do everything we can to help him get better and keep things as normal as possible. But damn it sure does suck.

Oh, yesterday should have been the big resolution-y post, you say? My procrastinating ass says no, it shouldn’t have because I was too busy still summing up 2010, damn it! Though I did actually start in on my resolution yesterday…I just didn’t tell you all about it. First of all, I’ve joined Jennie’s Biggest Blogging Loser competition. Really, this is mostly for fun since I’m not about to go renegade and try weird shit just to lose weight. It’s going to be fun to be a part of something though, where I am somewhat accountable for a period of time, with a bunch of other cool chicks.

***

I’ve never been the person who was all day-after-new-year’s at the gym gung ho. I was always the one who’d been at the gym all along, looking at all the suckers who would likely only be there for a month or two before giving up on their dreams. I was the one who waited anxiously for these people to just get it over with already, so the gym could go back to its less crowded regularness. Not this year though; NOPE! This year I was there bright and early on First Monday. I was one of those suckers. I don’t know how that actually happened, BTW, but my gym time plummeted over the last 6 months from 4 times a week to 3 and then 2, and then to driving by in the morning and deciding to grab an extra large coffee and coming home instead, to finally just saying “Fuck it! It’s too damn cold!” and keeping my ass in bed. I told myself it would be easier once I was working from home and I fooled myself in to believing there was nothing wrong with what I was doing. I fooled myself in to believing that I was still somehow going to the gym….I did make it, um ….three…no wait was it two?ONE whole time in the month of December.

Cut to day 2 of Resolution Sara and my ass is dragging. And I haven’t even started back in on weights yet. Thankfully I seem to have not lost any endurance, but the physical aspect of getting up and going again is taking a toll. As soon as I lay down last night, I was out cold (and this is not me at all..it take me sometimes HOURS to fall asleep). And a few hours later, I woke up shivering uncontrollably and ice cold and could feel my blood rushing through my veins; my metabolism all like ‘WTF lady??”. I also had to pee like you wouldn’t believe thanks to the 60oz of water I consumed yesterday.

So yeah…oh! I was talking about resolutions. Mine need to be broad otherwise I feel like they are weighing me down. And pressure stops me from doing anything at all.

Make a Consistent Effort to Work Out: I will get up and go to the gym in the morning if it kills me. And I will remind myself that Hub asking me whether or not I went is not actually him saying “GO!! GO!! OR I WILL FEED YOU TO WOLVES!!” or putting any sort of pressure on me. He is asking legitimate questions. That is all. Maybe I’ll do that Total Body Boot Camp crap. But maybe I won’t. But even if it’s kicking a soccer ball outside with the kids, I will be working out.

Drink Water: This seems like a no-brainer, and it really is. It’s not even that I drink pop or juice or anything. It’s that I forget to drink throughout the day. I’ll suck down my coffee in the morning, have a few sips of water with lunch, and a few with dinner, plus when I swallow my pills at night, and that’s it.

Count Calories: Not in the sense of “I only get 1200 calories for the day” but more so as a way of keeping track of what I am putting in my mouth. Keeping me accountable.

Cook More from Scratch: We eat a lot of Hamburger Helper type meals. I’m not saying that we’ll remove them completely from our repertoire, but seriously, how hard can it be to throw together some noodles and meat and sauce with some fresh, never dried, and low sodium ingredients.

Tell Hub When I Need Alone Time: Or if I need to sleep in etc. Instead of gritching around that I NEVER get any time without the blasted kids hanging off of me, or I NEVER get any sleep, I will simply ask.

Spend More One on One time with Each of the Kids: Hub and I are real good for splitting up: Girls with girls, boys with boys (in the words of my Lucy). I rarely do things with just one of the kids, especially Bud. Granted Bud doesn’t want to do things like go to the grocery store with me anymore, but I need to try harder to give each of them their own special time.

Well, that’s a hardy list now, isn’t it?

Stolen from so many….

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Jumped in to a job that really scared me.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My resolution was to take better care of me….and I did ok I think, but I can always do better.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
2 cousins

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Thank goodness

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A better work/home balance.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
None in particular. It was a pretty uneventful year.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a new job. Successfully convincing the powers that be that working from home was a good idea.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being all gung ho health kick and then letting it fall by the wayside because it was hard.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Hmm…I wasn’t the one to buy it, but the Kindle is pretty great. I just bought my first Vera Bradley bag too…and that is pretty awesome.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Hub’s. Dealing with his dad’s cancer after losing his mom….he was great.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My mother’s. I won’t elaborate.

14. Where did most of your money go?
The mortgage and groceries. Yay. I’m boring.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Bud winning first place trophies for TKD, Lucy’s Bieber cake. Hub’s and my first trip without the kiddos.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
“Baby” by Justin Bieber because I have heard it nearly every day for the last 6 months.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Maybe a bit fatter….sigh
c) richer or poorer? Richer, thanks to my new job and Hub’s successes this year.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Working out, spending time with just me

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Yelling. For sure.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Same as always—Christmas Eve wit Hub’s family, Christmas day with mine. Our annual Christmas brunch….and nobody barfed *ON* Christmas this year, so…

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
No, I don’t think so. But as Liv has turned in to this amazingly exuberant toddler, I’ve loved her more and more, even with the wicked mood swings and lack of reason. I’ve also (mostly) accepted that she will be my last child, and so I’ve tried really hard to embrace and remember this time.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Modern Family, Burn Notice, Psych

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope. I’m a lover, man. Not a hater. But let me tell you, I came SO close to losing my cool with one person so many times this year…and well, I’m glad that I’ve moved out of that situation now.

24. What was the best book you read?
I really enjoyed Something Blue by Emily Giffin.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
….

26. What did you want and get?
A Kindle. An Android phone. To be able to work from home.

27. What did you want and not get?
A steam mop. A svelte body.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I really liked Red. I saw Julie and Julia too this year, though I don’t think it came out in 2010….and loved it. Toy Story 3, The Town.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32. Spent the day home with Hub and had cake with the kiddos that night. I got my Kindle and bakery donuts.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
The willpower to stick to and back up my goals.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Um….lazy. Jeans and sweaters. I barely wore any of my heels. I felt bad about myself and it showed in my wardrobe.

32. What kept you sane?
TEH Internets. My husband. The gym (and I wish that I could remember that…)

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Always Robert Downey Jr. ALWAYS. And Howard Stern….he is just so fascinating.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage.

35. Who did you miss?
Still, very much though she was a huge pain in my azz, my MIL.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
I met her years ago, but ran in to a girl at a school function who (along with her husband and baby) has become a good friend. It’s nice to have somebody close by.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
It’s ok to want things….and to ask for them.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I never have an answer for this one.

Can you even believe that Christmas is only a few days away? We spent the weekend doing the things we should have done earlier—cutting down the tree, decorating said tree and making the Christmas cutout cookies. I don’t know why these things all seem so magical in theory, but the reality is that nobody seems to get much enjoyment out of any of it. The kids fight over who gets to hang which ornament and who is decorating which cookie, with what icing and it goes on and on and on. Instead of telling them about all the special ornaments, I am mediating and yelling “Wait, don’t touch that one!” and cleaning up broken shards of glass (Thanks Liv). I am left frazzled, and though we end up with a decorated tree, and a tray of sugar cookies I’m also left with a huge mess to clean up in the form of icing smears and lopsided ornament clumps and…well, you get the picture.

I’m really struggling here. I want my kids to have great Christmas memories that aren’t just about waking up on Christmas morning to a mountain of presents under the tree. I want to have traditions that we all enjoy together and look forward to every year. I want things to be seamless and fun and stress free. Does that not exist? Can I force it to exist somehow?

I did that portable north pole thing for the kids last week and psyched them up for a big surprise. They watched their videos from Santa in turn, and I was sure their little minds were being blown. And then Lucy said “You know mom, when you said you had a surprise for us, I thought it would be better…like a present or something.” It doesn’t seem like I can win.

I am officially on Christmas burnout, and I haven’t even wrapped yet. I know it will all be worth it in the end. I will have smiling, grateful kids. But right now, it’s hard to see the light.

Oh, I am starting to feel the pressure of The Christmas. I was so proud for having done a whole lot of our shopping early this year. I felt so on top of things. And, well now… not so much. My cards are addressed, but waiting for stamps which my husband has set out to buy on no fewer than 3 occasions but managed to return home without. Our Christmas tree lumberjack adventure was thwarted on Sunday due to rain, so we are a week behind there. The tree farm is only open until 5, so we can’t go on a school day, which means that we have to do it on Saturday. Because of the snow, we’ve been unable to do outside decorations. I’ve not baked a single cookie, AND The Children’s Place has a crappy selection of pajamas this year, so I have to go on a hunt for the perfect matching jammies for Christmas morning.

But wait, there’s more!

The kids have been obsessed with pillow pets this year, and my mother bought them for Christmas gifts. Initially, she bought Liv the Bumble Bee one, but after seeing the commercials, Liv decided that she needed a “Pink Pig Pillow Pet”. And nothing else. My sister-in-law found one on Black Friday and picked it up for my mom. My mom decided to give the bee to my niece so she would have something to open while the kids opened their gifts. Yesterday, I took Lucy to my mother’s with Liv because she was sick(ish) and while on the internet she told Liv that there were no more Pink Pig Pillow Pets. They were out of stock! (boy am I glad she can read) And then she made Liv pick out another one that she might want, which in this case is a panda bear. So now she is telling us “There’s no more pink pig pillow pets. Now I want a panda bear!!”. She might give my mother a heart attack.

And finally, the big gifts this year for the kids are Nintendo DSi’s. We initially purchased one for them to share, and then FIL said he would pay for a second one so they could each have one. So before the first one even came, the one that I pre-ordered thanks to a tip from Want Not, we ordered a second one. When we had the snow storm, we didn’t get mail or UPS or anything for 4 days, so I wasn’t overly concerned that the package hadn’t arrived. When I looked at the tracking a little bit closer though, I realized that USPS said it had been delivered the day before the snow storm. It seemed fishy, so I talked with Amazon. They asked me to give it another week because sometimes USPS says things are delivered when they are not. (we did speak to our mail carrier and she knew exactly what packages she’d delivered to us recently—that wasn’t one of them) So I did, only to find out when I checked back in to say still no DS, that the bundle we originally ordered was no longer available. And sorry, but we’ll give you a refund. I realize that Amazon can’t control that once it shipped it never arrived…I get that, and I appreciate the refund with no questions asked. But I was pissed that I had been told to wait and because of that, I missed out on what I wanted. I told them so, and they gave me a $10 credit off the new, more expensive DSi that I now had to order. Basically, that covered the shipping, because I wasn’t about to go super saver again. So, it will arrive tomorrow and Christmas will be saved. And even though it’s probably better that they will have identical units with identical games to avoid fighting, I still can’t help but to be miffed.

There has been some good though.

When we finally started getting mail last week, my package from Shelly came, which included coffee and gloves and foot warmers for me, and a ton of stocking stuffer things for the kids. It was a small box packed with a bazillion things. Totally made my day.

We had family Christmas with my mom’s side of the family last Saturday which is an off-shoot of the Polish Wagilia my Gramma had every Christmas Eve. We get together before Christmas now because the cousins are all grown and have their own families and new traditions, but it is so nice to still have Christmas with some of my very favorite people in the world. We spent the evening playing games, and eating pierogies, and an over-abundance of chocolate desserts and having a great time.

We took the kids to the mall for dinner and to see Santa on Sunday because of the rain, and we actually got an ok photo, PLUS the mall Santa people have partnered with Shutterfly, so with my package, I also got a $20 gift card to spend on anything I want over there. (I’m looking at you, desk calendar…)

Hub and I are finishing up our shopping on Friday morning, an annual tradition of getting the last minute things, plus the perfect wrapping paper to identify each of the kids’ Santa gifts. Then we have plans to drive to Syracuse this Friday, as soon as the big kids get off the bus, for Lights on the Lake, which is a huge Christmas light display around the lake there. This is really for Liv who screams “I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!” every time she sees Christmas lights.

We’ve made plans for New Years Day to do Christmas with my BFF and her family.

And we’ve decided to have a sledding party for Bud’s 7th birthday (7!! OMFG, my baby will be 7 in like 3 weeks) because he wondered why he couldn’t have a big party in the park like the girls do every year. And really, why can’t he?

Everything will be fine, I know it. We just have to get through these next 10 days.

What about you, are you ready for Christmas?

Oh Hai! Did I mention that it snowed here?? It did! A lot! We are, in fact, still digging out of it all. We had 36 or so inches fall over the course of about 2 days and, well, wow. The kids were basically chomping at the bit to get out and play in it, and Bud went out to help Hub start clearing a path before I even thought about going out with the girls. We couldn’t open our back door, so the boys pretty much dove off the front porch to get out. And then Hub had a good time throwing Bud in to the deep deep snow. Bud thought it was pretty funny too.

Although I was home with 3 kids, I had a project plan that I had to put together yesterday morning, and there was no getting around getting it done, so that is what I did while the boys worked. The girls were supposed to be entertained by Grandpa, but somehow kept escaping, and so my work was slow. But I did eventually finish, and was able to get the girls dressed and ready to go out. True to form, It took 30 minutes to get dressed for about 10 minutes of play. But as far as they were concerned, it was worth it. Liv wasn’t overly thrilled with the snow; she was afraid to walk on it, and I wasn’t about to carry her around, and accident waiting to happen, so after snapping a few pictures, we went inside.

This is my van:

Here is Bud on FIL’s car. Notice how his wrists are exposed? They were very red for a long time yesterday and I was nervous—but he is all better now.

Lucy will pose for the camera anywhere…that’s my girl!

Here is Liv before she decided that she hated the snow:

This is our yard all covered in snow. The kids enjoyed climbing in to their playhouse and pretending it was a snow fort.

And here is the front of the house. This is a very lot of snow.

And finally, here is me! I really wanted to show you my new purple coat, but not my bushy eyebrows that desperately need tending. But, you get what you get. See also: cheap Target hat. I need something cuter. And my good gloves were trapped in my van, and you can’t see it here, but I have Bud’s Spiderman gloves on. Good thing I have small hands!!

Oh, and afterwards, we all had hot cocoa, of course!

Last night, the National Guard was on our street pulling out stuck cars. It was really kind of neat to see, in the way of holy shit, this is kind of a natural disaster. The Thruway was closed for over 24 hours, with people trapped in their cars. It was kind of crazy, but this is the sort of thing that happens here from time to time. People tend to get their panties in a bunch about it, saying things like “our leaders should have better plans for dealing with snow”, etc etc. I think it is on us to have the plan. Like how about stay off the thruway when it is snowing at a rate of an inch per hour. Tractor trailers will jackknife, and you will be stuck. I guess it’s just easier to bitch though.

Today, schools were closed again, and I sent Bud and Lucy with Liv to the daycare who gladly takes school agers on snow days (cha ching!). I couldn’t deal with the stir-craziness again today, plus I had several meetings to attend, so it was better to have them gone. I threw together beef stew in the slow cooker, and cleaned up a bit and got lots of work done. Hub has spent more time snow-blowing our elderly neighbors out of their driveways than he has on ours, but I’m confident I’ll be able to drive again tomorrow.

I really don’t mind the snow; I couldn’t imagine winter anywhere else or any other way. I have fond memories of growing up in the city, and walking with my father among snow piles taller than me. And really, as long as we are safe and warm, what is there to mind?

Step 1: Lament for a few weeks that it is probably time to start watching what you eat, all the while gingerly rubbing your belly.
Step 2: See your doctor for something unrelated and bring up the subject of diet. Scoff at his suggestion that you see a nutritionist since you don’t like healthy food, and can’t see how having a donut and cup of coffee for breakfast 5 days a week is really all that bad for you—isn’t not eating anything at all just as bad??
Step 3: Decide to finally pay attention to what you eat anyway. Ask your wife for some tips—hey, she’s ALWAYS dieting.
Step 4: Laugh at suggestions of small frequent snacks and protein. A hardboiled egg? No. Oatmeal not loaded with brown sugar? No way. No, really. What are you supposed to eat? Almonds?
Step 5: Spend day 1 of your “diet” really paying attention to what you are eating. After breakfast, have a small handful of almonds. Eat an early lunch because you are SO! HUNGRY! By 2PM declare yourself too hungry to do anything; concentrate or work. Take a nap until 4PM when the kids get home. Decide that you can’t deal with STARVING and eat a bowl of cereal.
Step 6: Have a sensible dinner with your family and talk about how hard it was to get through your day of “dieting”. Declare yourself to still be starving after dinner. Make plans for bedtime snack. Pretend you don’t see the eye-rolls from your wife.
Step 7: Plot strategies for day 2 to stop yourself from being hungry to the point of nausea. Be determined to have a better day tomorrow.
Step 8: Begin Day 2! Apply techniques from day 1 but delay nap until 4PM. Call your wife repeatedly to ask for advice that you won’t take.
Step 9: Ask your wife to consult Google, because there surely has to be a better way. Don’t believe her when she tells you there isn’t and to suck it up and learn to be hungry; that it’s mostly in your head and that it gets better.
Step 10: As Day 2 ends, tell your wife that it’s too hard. Jokingly (but not really) ask her for permission to just give up and live life fat and happy; a heart attack waiting to happen. Watch and be amused as your wife’s head explodes.
Step 11: Begin day 3 on your own.