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Irrational

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I’m feeling kind of down in the dumps lately. I guess not for any particular reason, but due in part to Hub stating repeatedly that he would like to get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement; that he doesn’t want to have another baby. I understand where he’s coming from, really, I do. I’m not even sure that I really want another one. I think that I’m more in love with the idea of one, a warm cuddly baby, sleeping and nursing, and growing. Another warm weight sleeping on my chest for 12-18 months. It’s the idea of another baby for sure, because I am not over the moon when I think of a 4th toddler running around. I think though, that if I knew how Hub felt before, I would have behaved differently during my pregnancy. I would have maybe accepted the suckiness more, since it was the final time. I would have paid attention to all the things that are great about carrying a baby. The glimmer of hope I see in Hub’s eyes though, when I am caught snuggling the baby for a bit too long though, and I say to him half joking “Well, if she’s my last one, I have to make it last”, is a bit too much for me to bear. And so that’s part of the reason why I am down. And why I think I am going to make a 5 year commitment to Mirena tomorrow. Even though the completely irrational part of my brain is screaming “Baybeee!! Baybeee!!!”

I wonder though, if even after a 4th, the desire would go away. Something tells me that it wouldn’t. And every woman at some point has to make her peace with “being done”. I clearly haven’t made my peace yet. So maybe, having the Mirena for 5 years will kill the desire. Maybe the kids will be so grown, at ages 10, 8 and 5 that I will be ok with not going back to the baby stages. Of course thinking of Bud, Lucy and Liv as 10, 8, and 5 makes me just as sad as thinking about never having another. Bud, Lucy and Liv without even a shred of their babyhood left. My sweet babies as grown kids. Kids who won’t want to sleep in my bed, or snuggle on my lap, or even be in the same room as me most of the time.

This is just unacceptable. Can time just stop for a while? Can I maybe remember all of this when I am frustrated because they won’t listen, won’t get dressed or brush their teeth, when they are just being kids? It’s already starting to happen with Bud, who will be 5 in just 6 weeks. 5. My God. Sometimes I feel like I am living his babyhood again, because Liv is just so much like him, and then I look up and see this big kid who is SO not a baby. And it’s like a punch in the gut.

That’s it. Time needs to stop. Otherwise, I just need to keep having babies.

8 responses »

  1. What gets me is the “limited time offer” aspect. I can only have babies for so long, and then NO MORE even if I WANT them! That makes me feel crazy.

    Reply
  2. It’s not irrational. I knew I was done when my attempt at a 3rd turned into the twins. It’s not longer an issue for us as hubby had a vasectomy and I don’t have cringes of longing. I enjoy holding other people’s babies now. My sanity is at the brink as it is, so to add more would clearly send me over the edge.

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  3. I think Liv is still too young for any permanent decisions. For what my opinion is worth. 🙂

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  4. I think this is VERY normal. I know that Matt would like one more, but after that…I don’t know. He might be done after that. And that does scare me. I already know that I will treasure a pregnancy as if it’s the last. Then I will hope and pray that Matt decides he wants more. But the real question is when does that longing stop? Like you said…maybe never.

    Reply
  5. Oh, I can so relate. We just put away the bassinet for the third and last time. Now my husband wants to sell it and several other tiny baby things. And even though I know we’re done, I’m just so sad. I’m just so wistful about this being the end of an era in our lives.

    Reply
  6. Amen sister! I feel all of the things you’re saying.

    Reply
  7. While we are done, because I said so…I still have the longing for just one more. But I know myself and 1 more would turn into two more. I don’t think the longing for sweet baby goodness ever goes away!

    Reply
  8. I’ve said I’m done so many times that I actually believe it. But holding my newborn neice made me question my decision momentarily.Getting rid of stuff doesn’t have to be the end of babies. If you decide to add to your family later, you’ll just have a baby with different stuff.

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