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Letters: From the Heart

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Dear Dunkin Donuts-

I think it’s pretty crappy that I even need to order extra butter on my bagel in order for it not to be half dry. Even crappier though, is that you charge me $.15 for the extra butter and the damn bagel still has dry spots. You need a better system.


Dear The Children’s Place-

You need a better website. I am trying to spend money on your merchandise, and you don’t let me because your site consistently crashes. In addition, please stop allowing me to add items to my cart just to immediately take them away and tell me they are out of stock.


Dear Stride Gum-

Actually, you are pretty awesome. Your long lasting flavor is a bright spot in my day.


Dear Workplace Vending-

I think it is complete crap that you have removed all peanut butter items. Especially when I am totally dying for a peanut butter Twix. I know the risks! I’m a grown-up! Not to mention the fact that these candy bars are so damn old, I’m pretty sure they aren’t tainted.


Dear Lucy-

Please do not ever make me explain to you again that it is inappropriate to slather your body (including your lady parts—le sigh) in the Chap Stick you received for Christmas. Please also stop telling me that Santa is mad at ME for taking away your Christmas gift. Santa is MAD AT YOU dammit!!.


Dear The Barfing Flu-

I realize that you have hit every baby in Liv’s class. Please stay away, because the thought of a 3 child barf-a-thon is probably the least appealing thing I can imagine.


Dear Menstruation-

You are giving me a good reason to get knocked up again. I HATE YOU.

14 responses »

  1. I would not have expected the butter skimping thing. Usually bagels come LADEN with cream cheese and you have to scrape most of it off. Why is butter different?

  2. Jess- I KNOW!! RIGHT?!?!?!

  3. Maggie love the chapstick too. She got two sticks in her stocking and they were all used up within a day or so. Hardly any of it made it to her lips.

  4. Butter-skimping should be considered a felony. Well, *I* consider it a felony anyway.Too funny about the chapstick!

  5. dear taco bell, when i order a taco with beans instead of meat why do you charge me more. I’m sure beans cost less then meat and if your going to do that i think i deserve a credit for the meat i’m not eating!dear starbucks, please start filling my cup all the way to the tippy top i need that extra ounce of java to help me deal with this daydear sally, your blog makes me smile and totally cheered me up today!

  6. also..right up there with butter skimping is cream cheese skimping. i used to go to a place that would smear it on one side of the bagel, stick it together and call that enough. no, thanks i need it on both sides of my bagel please!!!

  7. Chapstick on the lady parts? Has she been off riding the range and thus was chafed? It’s a little funny!

  8. The two-child-one-husband barfing flu was enough for me, thank you very much.

  9. The chapstick thing is AWESOME! 🙂

  10. Santa is mad at YOU! BWAHAHAHAHA! I shall never look at chapstick the same way again.And I totally agree about The Children’s Place. Don’t they KNOW they are costing themselves sales when we get so frustrated we say, “SCREW IT!” and close the browser?

  11. Addy does that with chap stick too. Um, never the lady bits, though. Those she inexplicably slathered with CHOCOLATE today. I have no words…Also, I am beginning to feel that way towards menstruation, also. My cycle is so effed up and my ovulation so painful that I’m actually looking FORWARD to being pregnant. Which historically is not pleasant for me.

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  13. “Santa is mad at you” is my new favorite thing to say.Totally agree in re The Children’s Place!! SO discouraging to wait SEVERAL MINUTES for an item to add to the cart (I usually read a book or do Sudoku puzzles while placing an order), only to be told that I’ve “tried to add” an item that is unavailable, as if it’s MY fault.My old boss, who brought us coffee and bagels every Saturday morning, said he got more butter when he asked for it “on the side.”


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