Do you ever feel like something is missing?
Hub and I have all but permanently decided that we are done expanding our family. We are more than 3 years past having a newborn. This is the longest I have not been pregnant since we started having kids. We have 2 more years of pre-school before all of the children will be in (free) school. We have a great family dynamic. I am honestly and truly ok with our decision to be done now. As much as I love to snuggle a newborn baby, I am ok with my time of middle of the night feedings and diapers and having to pay attention to someone every last second of the day being O-V-E-R. I like the independence that has come with having older kids. I like it a lot, actually.
A few months ago I had a dream. I was very pregnant. We were expecting twin boys. The kids were a bit older, but everything in the dream was much as it is now. We were happy, with 2 of everything lined up just so, just waiting for our boys to join us. I’ve had dreams about being pregnant before, dreams that have stuck me with a brief feeling of longing, dreams that have made me wonder if we’ve made the wrong decision…but the feelings are always fleeting. Always. This time though has been different.
Hard as I try, I cannot shake the feeling that regardless of not necessarily wanting to have another baby that I am supposed to get pregnant again. I am supposed to have (at least)another baby. I am supposed to be someone else’s Mama. And I don’t really know what to do with this nagging feeling. I don’t know why it won’t go away even though I am mostly in the camp of no more babies.
Is my head messing with me? Are my hormones messing with me? Am I being spoken to from a higher power? That is the thing. I have no idea. No idea at all about any of this. I thought that maybe typing it out would help me make sense of it, but…not so much.
How about you? Do you ever have a feeling about how things are supposed to be, compared to how they actually are, or how you want them to be?