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When another woman wants to date your husband…

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Hub and I have friends, a couple, who we have known now for 20 years. I will call them Lana and Fred. Lana was Hub’s next door neighbor, and she and I were friends in middle school (in the years that I was not a big fan of Hub’s). She moved when I was in 8th or 9th grade and I lost touch with her. She and Hub kept in contact quite a bit though.

When Hub and I began dating we would hang out with Lana occasionally and some friends of hers, one of whom was Fred. They were just friends at that point, but this gives you a clear picture of how long Fred has been around. Lana was always very affectionate towards Hub, but she is also the kind of girl who kisses ME hello, on the lips, and thinks nothing of it, so it never really bothered me.

We grew up, did the college thing and lost touch with Lana and Fred. When we were planning our wedding, we ran in to them in a restaurant, together with a child and one on the way. We reconnected and started hanging out again fairly regularly. Fred stood up in our wedding. We considered them to be family.

Soon after though, Lana started rubbing me the wrong way. She would make these comments to Hub, always with a laugh, pretending she was kidding.

“Well, now that Saly’s pregnant, I guess you and I never have a chance.”

This one was when they were on the phone (Hub always talks on speaker) and I was in the other room. “I have this plan, that when Saly and Fred die, you and I will finally get to be together.”

And finally, a couple years ago “Hey Hub, how come you never asked me out when we were teenagers? How come you and I never hooked up?” This was said in front of me, in my living room. Hub and I just looked at each other, and I said “Are you kidding me??” and she just laughed it off. They have not been back at our house since.

Now, Fred works for Hub in some capacity, and they do come to our family parties and we haven’t cut them out of our lives or anything, but we definitely don’t just hang out anymore. Hub and Fred, maybe once in a while, but that’s it.

So on New Years, Lana texted Hub “Happy New Year, Babe!” and he ignored her. A few weeks ago, she texted him “Hey Hub, I’ve been thinking about you. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you!” which he also ignored, but also started to think that she was possibly being inappropriate. Then yesterday, she sent him the following: “Hi Hub. If I was able to get my hands on tickets for (musical in town this weekend) for Friday night, would you want to go with me?”

This is why I had to give the background to this story. That text alone is innocent enough—wanting to do something with her old friend, I guess. But I kind of think she was asking my husband out on a date. People get fancied up, and go downtown and see what ever show has come in for the week. It’s something 2 girlfriends would go see, or a couple. He hasn’t answered her yet because he doesn’t know how to play it.

These are the options he is considering:
1. Are you asking me out on a date? LOL! (and then seeing what her response is)
2. Are we talking 2 tickets or 4 tickets?
3. Deleting the text and pretending he never got it.

I think I am in favor of number 1, or a combination of 1 and 2. Either that or I’m going to take a drive and unleash my fists of fury.

What would you do in this situation? What would you have your husband do? Do you think it’s possible that I am overreacting? To be clear, Hub has shared all of this with me; I’m not a snooper. But seriously. What’s the best way to handle this little situation?

16 responses »

  1. Oh, this would rankle me, especially if I wasn't close with the woman. Then I could at least write off her behavior as a joke. But, this seems kind of icky. (Why would she only invite him, and not you?) I would have him text back a combo of #1 and #2 and even throw in a #4: "I'm flattered, but happily married" just to make sure she gets the message.

  2. I'd skip the humor and go for number 2. She may joke back something equally puzzling and infuriating, like "Do you want me to be talking about a date?" If he's straightforward, asking if it's for everyone and making sure in that text to say that he only wants to go if everyone goes, there's little she can do to confuse up that crap.

  3. Or, #4: That sounds great! Saly and I would love to go!Then if she responds that she meant just the two of them he can shut it down.This whole thing is WILDLY inappropriate. I can't believe she said all of these things. I don't care about history: she and Hub are married adults now. You do not call a married man "Babe" and say "I have this plan, that when Saly and Fred die, you and I will finally get to be together" FTLOG.Forget my first vote: fists of fury it is.

  4. Wow, that's crazy. I'm glad that you and Hub are secure enough to trust each other and not be worried about that part.Whew, I don't know how I'd handle it. I like Nowheymama's suggestion. Honestly that's probably more like what I would do.Good luck!

  5. I'd go with #1 🙂 If she says "no, not a date" he could say – well, it would seem too much like a date for me to be comfortable with it. if she says "yes" he can say, I'm MARRIED you loser 😉

  6. I dislike this. She's being icky.The problem with the "Are you asking me on a date" joke is that it sounds flirty, and also it's hard to follow up if she says no.It doesn't sound like four tickets: if it were four tickets, she would have asked if he wanted to go "with us" not "with me."I keep wanting to think, "Well, maybe she just doesn't realize how this sounds"—but looking at her other remarks, it looks pretty clear and blatant to me. I think if it were my husband, I'd have him respond "No, thanks"—because even if it was four tickets, I wouldn't want to hang out with her.If I DID want to go (and if I wanted to continue to hang out with them socially), I'd email her myself and say "Hub told me you might be able to get tickets for Friday night! That sounds like fun! Let us know as soon as you can, and we'll see if we can get a sitter!"

  7. P.S. The "Hub told me" part has the added bonus of letting her know he's keeping you informed of everything.

  8. I'd either go with #4, "Yes, Saly and I would LOVE to go!" or Swistle's simple, "No, thanks."Or…really cause some problems and have hub call back to respond to FRED! "Hey! Lana says she can get tkts this weekend! Saly and I are looking forward to hanging out with you two!"Yeah. NOT comfortable AT ALL.

  9. See, this woman's playing the classic, "I'm being so open and obvious and blatant with my flirting that everyone can ONLY conclude it's a joke, or that I'm just "that way" i.e. super friendly and affectionate, because who would ACTUALLY be that open about flirting with a married man?" game. I've seen a few women, and men, do this, and it's so gross. Clever, but gross.I'd do Swistle's thing. And I wouldn't feel the least bit like I was being jealous or suspicious or overreacting. You're right.

  10. I like #4, if that's option other than giving her the smack down. She is completely inappropriate. What does Fred say/do when she says this kind of stuff in front of you? I would assume it would not sit well with him. Oooh, she's just gross.

  11. Ugh. I don't think I could shrug it off with a joke. If you want to go, Hub can respond with the 2 tickets or 4 question; or "Sure, call Saly with the details". If you don't, he could respond with a simple "No thank you" or "Thanks, but Saly and I have plans." She is acting poorly and the response needs to be absolutely clear.

  12. I think the "no thanks" would probably be where I'd head here. She is being completely inappropriate. My husband and I are very good friends with another couple and the husband and I in that couple have a lot more in common than I do with the wife. That said, neither of us would ever even consider asking the other to go to some event that we and not our spouses would enjoy. It should go without saying that that behavior would be creepy and unacceptable to everyone in both couples.

  13. you've gotten lots of good responses here. I'm seeing red for you!

  14. This…amazes me. Wowzers. Can't wait to see how you guys handled it.

  15. Ick. I hate everything about this. There's nothing appropriate about her comments, EVEN if they are jokes. Once? Maybe? Fine. Multiple times, both in your presence and not? Not okay.

  16. She needs a punch in the taco. Is that an option?


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