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Glimmer

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It’s standard operations on blogs like mine. In fact, I’ve already talked about it more than once. You know where I’m going with this, right? The old “will we or won’t we” question. And of course I’m talking about having more babies. I feel sort of like a douchebag even bringing it up again. Honestly, what sort of gall do I have to possibly but probably not but maybe but no I DO NOT but YES I DO but I probably don’t want another baby? The whole thought pattern is annoying even to me, the one who is having the thoughts in the first place.

I had my annual OBGYN visit last week. I love my doctor. When I was about 12 weeks pregnant with Liv, I switched from the practice who delivered my first 2 babies because their founding doctor and my 2 favorite midwives had left leaving a creepy man doctor, and the remaining OB that I’d never liked. I’d had really good experiences with the resident in the hospital who was on hand when I’d delivered both Bud and Lucy, and had heard that she joined a practice so I took a leap of faith and switched. And that doctor was just as great as I’d remembered, but I ended up clicking with another doctor in the practice, and she became my primary OB. She’s fantastic. She gets me. We’ve had some really great conversations, and even when I go more than a year without seeing her, she always remembers me, my big babies, and that I hate birth control even though I’ve tried some things at her suggestion. So yes. Love her.

She’s recently started performing that in office lady sterilization that seems to be getting so popular and is a strong proponent of it. I told her how Hub is terrified of the old snip snip and she wholeheartedly recommended this procedure, should I decide I am ready to take permanent action. And if I’m not, she told me, she would expect to see me back in her office pregnant before Liv goes to Kindergarten. She knows me. She knows my fertility. She doesn’t think my handy dandy app will work forever. So of course I left there with my mind racing and many things to think about.

Here’s the thing: I am reasonably certain that I don’t want to have any more babies. We’ve come so far. Liv is still…well, Liv. I don’t think she’d do well with a younger sibling. Really, I’m mostly ok with being done. And so, I brought all of this up to Hub that very evening.

“Do it.”, he said before the words were even out of my mouth. “ You should get it done.”

There was something about him making this decree, regardless of the context and regardless of me asking his opinion. The second he uttered those words, I went ballistic. As in who the hell do you think you are, to tell me to shut off my babymaker? What happens if you drop dead tomorrow and I meet someone else and want to have his babies? What if what if what if? Of course, this was the very moment Liv picked to parade through the kitchen, pants on the ground, dragging the dog behind her yelling some jib jab at her sister who had scorned her.

“Another one of those”, Hub said.

And really, the answer is no. I don’t want another one of those (nevermind that for as crazy as she makes me I think that Liv’s inappropriate tenacity and difficultness is kind of…charming). But I don’t want to never be able to change my mind. I don’t want the finality. I want to keep my babymaker intact. For now. And I certainly don’t want my husband or anyone telling me what to do with it. So I think that’s what the choice is here, whether I want to shut down the factory and know that it’s over for good or to keep that glimmer somewhat alive.

How do you decide? How do you know when is when? The arbitrary restriction I placed on myself years ago was 35. I don’t want to have any more babies after I am 35. That’s always been my personal cutoff. I’m a year and a half away from my 35th birthday. Is this enough time for me to decide once and for all? Or if I gave myself until then would I feel differently? Would I say to myself “well, I’ll be 35 for a whole 12 months…I still have time!” and then end up putting it off and putting it off until I have a late in life baby at something like age 45 when my other kids are grown?

I just don’t know. If I don’t want to make this decision and I don’t want anyone making it for me, it means I have to keep thinking and thinking about it, mulling the “what ifs.” What if it’s meant to be? But what if it’s not? Ack.

13 responses »

  1. Good luck! I just knew when I was done, but a lot of it was financial and other more practical reasons. There were also a lot of feelings of finality though. I don't necessarily think everyone has that… and there are still days (though not a lot) when my heart wonders why we took permanent measures.

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  2. I never get sick of reading these!One reason I wanted Paul to get the snip was the "What if he dies and I want babies with someone else?" reason. I also figured there was SOME chance of getting a snip reversed, but I don't think the girl operation can be reversed. (Actually, I just realized I have no idea if it can be or not. I've been thinking not, but that doesn't mean not.) I also felt like if HE was the one who was sure he didn't want babies, then HE needed to put…it…where his…never mind this sentence, let's go with then HE needed to be the one to take the difficult action.

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  3. I am always torn on the "who should be the one to take the big final step?" question because on the one hand, Swistle's right: it seems fair that the one who is sure they're done should be the one to step up and make it so. On the other hand, no matter who feels the most strongly about being done, the mom is always the one who has already put her body through quite a bit in order to create the family, so it seems like it's only fair to ask the guy to be the one to end it, so to speak. But then I try to put myself in my husband's shoes (he gets freaked out by the idea of either of us having something so permanent and "unnatural" done) and how I would feel if he made any demands of my body.And let's not even get into the how do we know if we're really for sure done thing. It's weighing on my mind SO much right now and this kid's not even out yet!

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  4. I thought I was done after Bart, but fate had different plans for me. Of course Maggie was meant to be and I can't imagine our family without her. But! Even when I was pregnant with her, I knew that was it and more permanent measures would be taken. Luckily, Homer agreed. I'm not sure what would have happened if we weren't on the same page. I would think that someone would be left with a feeling of unfinished business?

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  5. i think our decision was made easier by the complications i had with pregnancies – i knew after #2 that we'd adopt if we really ended up feeling like someone was missing from our family. we decided to go with "the snip" because i didn't want anything that might in any way screw with my hormones at any time down the road (i'm a b*&$% on the pill and HATE HATE HATE it). plus we found a doctor that can do the fancy surgery where there aren't even any stitches or anything. Poor man thought he was going to at least get wheeled out to the car like he'd just suffered something major and he had to walk! went so smoothly and easily, i can't imagine having done any other permanent option. oh and hi! i'm finally going through my reader trying to get caught up on everything I've missed!

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  6. my husband decided I was done because he didn't want any more kids and thankfully had the self preservation to volunteer for the snip because I joke that just because HE is done doesn't mean that *I* am. Are you really done, do you want more kids or just more babies because it goes by sooo fast there is always going to be a last one, and then they grow up to be kids with activities to take to and pay for and…. I wanted a bigger family but I am happy with mine but it took me awhile to tone down that NNGHH-ness. At least with the snip you can hope for a random regeneration surprise baby! hehe.

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  7. See, I'm choosing to go through the emotional part *before* the medical part just to make sure. 🙂

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  8. i had my sterilization done. not because i didn't want more but because i was the worst pregnant woman ever. i was not sick (i did get migranes) i just felt all dirty, like everyone knew what i did. well, obviously they did but still. then my ovaries got sick and they too the whole thing. my ex joked about the money we wasted in the first place! go with your heart.

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  9. Well, I'm obviously in a different position having sort of terrible fertility, but even so, I never want to turn off my babymaker, either. It's that openness–what IF–that scares me with the finality, too.

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  10. We're done. I can barely pee at this new job, so I am seriously not going to have any babies.Honey has volunteered to take care of business on his end and I am grateful for that. One less decision for me to make.You'll figure it out. (Although I wonder how Hubs would have felt had you reacted in kind regarding a snip. Methinks none too kindly.)

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  11. OOH, I can't believe I missed this post. As a fellow "superfertile", I can relate. We are currently on condoms only, and Justin REALLY needs to go get the snip. I personally don't want to have anything permanent done to me, because I don't know if I'd be 100% done if something crazy happened and my marriage was over. I do, however, know for certain that Justin and I are done having kids together. He gets WAY too stressed out with a new addition in our lives, and I was pushing it to have Lucy. Plus, it's not the best move for us financially, and I already feel like our time and resources are so limited with the two we do have. Even with ALL THAT being said, I get nervous about anything permanent on MY END. Damn mama hormones.

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  12. I'm at the opposite end. We have problems getting pregnant, which has always led me to think I'll never do anything permanent…and I don't do birth control myself either.On the other hand, we have also "set" an age limit. Not because of being older, but because my husband can retire young if he stays at his current job (he's been there his whole adult working career to date). We don't want to retire and still have kids in school. Sadly, this only leaves a few more years of "trying" for us.I would say to you: just keep things they way they are until you hit 35. Maybe then you'll feel more comfortable making a decision.

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  13. I had a baby at 39 after I swore off them at 30 FOREVER NO WAY NO HOW. So I wouldn't get sterilized unless you are absolutely sure, and you're not.

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