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I feel all panicky today, probably for no good reasons, except for they feel like good reasons to me.

• Reason #1- today was donuts with dad at Bud’s school and after the donuts, the children were to wait in the auditorium until school began at which point they walked to their classrooms. When I was there for muffins with mom, the same program was in effect, only there was no chaperone and it was very chaotic. I ended up driving Bud home so he could get on the bus rather than not know WTF was going on in the school. But Hub left him there today, said it was no problem; he’s a good kid. Which is generally true, but today is also field day and I feel like he could easily just get lost in the shuffle and nobody would know. And I don’t know, I’ve just been so involved in reading about poor Kyron Horman and how he just disappeared from his elementary school. And his sunny smile just reminds me so much of my Buddy. And so….I panic.
• Reason #2- My mother has the girls today and it is sunny and gorgeous out, so she is letting them swim in her little blow up pool. The teeny tiny blow up pool. But I am so nervous about something going wrong, and she is there alone with no car (or a drivers license to be honest with you) and well, what if there is an emergency?
• Reason #3- Among having something like 12 jobs scheduled for today, Hub has a long awaited appointment with a dermatologist. He’s had this bump on his back for as long as I can remember and his doctor, something like 10 years ago, told him it was a sebaceous cyst. I get them and have them removed all the time, so no biggie. But it has grown recently. And is hard. And remember when he went to see that holistic chiropractor type dude? He told him he didn’t think it was a cyst at all and could be something awful. And well—what if it is?

Do you have these days sometimes? Where you realize you could lose your whole family in the blink of an eye? It’s horrifying. They don’t tell you about this when you fall in love and have babies. You hear about the good—the love and family and fun and you hear about bad too—tempers, bullies, and broken hearts, but nobody tells you about the fear. It lingers there, usually in the quiet distance, but sometimes blaringly visible as it is to me today. If something happened and I lost my husband, or even worse, one of my children, I don’t know how I could possibly go on. I know for certain that I would never be the same. The thought alone is almost too much to bear.

So I’m pushing it down. It’s really all I can do. Well that and hope that they all outlive me so I’ll never have to know.

Last week I celebrated (well, if by celebration you mean nothing was said and I still don’t have my 10-year brick) my 10 year anniversary with my company. 10 years—Holy Cow. It still seems like such a short time span, but no, it really has been 10 years since June 5, 2000. Many things are different, and here are a few:

• I was 21 years old. It felt like I had my whole life ahead of me. I remember that I worked 12-9 when I first started, and I would find myself out until all hours of the night and still be able to sleep in until 10:30 before I had to get up and get ready for work.
• Hub and I had been together for 6 years at that point. We got engaged that summer (August 14th to be exact, at Cedar Point)
• I had many friends, and none of us had children
• I weighed about 60lbs less than I do now
• My hair was looooong—like down to my butt long.
• Our house was “the place”. Everyone hung out there and we all came and went. Aside from Hub, I spent the majority of my time with my 2 girlfriends, J and M. And with my brother, who was 18 or 19 at the time.

Now of course, I’ve moved way up in my job, I’m married, and the majority of my time is spent with my children. Hub and I don’t go out, but we work around the house. A good time for us is cooking a good meal, watching some good TV and going to bed early. I think the reason that 10 years ago doesn’t seem so long ago, is that we settled in to these routines soon after we were married in 2002. Our lives have been very much the same for the better part of 8 years. Sometimes I wonder if I should regret getting married, settling in a career and having kids young. I don’t in the very least.

Another thing that happened 10 years ago was my very first foray in to blogging. I still keep tabs on that blog and update it occasionally. I thought that in honor of the 10-year anniversary, I’d share some excerpts with you all over the next few weeks. Sometimes, I sound incredibly douchey. It is evident how young I was. I’m glad to have it though. Here is something from my very first entry. I will first point out that I was still young enough to round up my age. And that I was pretty careless with the spell check. And also- Prime example of douchey 21-year-old me (though I still think Sweetest Day is stupid). Ok, here it is; don’t judge me:

Ah…Americana Wednesday, July 05, 2000 I celebrated Fourth of July like a real American, on a blanket at the state university, Starbucks coffee in hand. I was just sitting there remembering how simple things used to be. We used to watch the fireworks from Uncle Phil’s deck every year for christ’s sake, and now hear I am 22 years old, at a totally commercial event, watching a major fireworks display. Now don’t get me wrong, the fireworks were damn cool; it’s just amazing how much things have progressed in the past 10 years. I feel so old!! Nothing is just simple anymore, everything has to be made in to an event. I wonder if it’s because people are so money hungry??? Take Sweetest Day for instance……..WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?? It’s the holiday created in october because there are know holidays for gift-giving between Father’s Day and Christmas, that’s what it is. It’s completely dumb and made up, and has no sentimental value. Ed and I have never celebrated Sweetest Day….how freaking dumb.
Well, now i’m going of on a tangent, so I’m gonna go get some Starbucks…..MMMMMM Mocha-Brownie Freeze…..Until next time~sara~

I am swamped at work, so naturally I am blogging.

I was so pleased with all the compliments I got on our garden and house, from the pictures I posted last week. It has come a long way, let me tell you. Hub and I have been in the house for 11 years now, and it was as bare bones as they come for the longest time. We did remodel the bathroom almost immediately after moving in, but Hub’s dad financed it for us. We started painting a few years ago though after we officially bought the house from FIL and it seems to have been project after project from there. The biggest by far, was the kitchen, where the brunt of work was completed while I was pregnant with Liv. Aside from hanging the cupboards and installing the counters, Hub did it all from tearing down the old plaster walls and hanging drywall, to plumbing and painting. We still have only a super cheap linoleum floor, and haven’t done the molding or the backsplash. Mostly because I hadn’t made up my mind as to what I wanted. I have a pretty good idea though, and we’re looking forward to getting it finished soon.

We’ve put substantial work in to our yard, and it has become one of our favorite places to spend time in the nice weather—especially at night when we make a fire. To me, there isn’t much more that is as relaxing as sitting and watching a fire. We talk a bit, and listen to the radio and basically just chill. It’s nice. Yes. We’ve got the play set out there for the kiddos now too. In the next year or 2 we’d like to build a small deck out there, but right now, we’re looking at doing a small patio to get the picnic table out of the grass. We can do it for very little money, so that’s a big win.

We want to redo our driveway as well, which is a bigger expense than I would have thought. It’s old black top now, and it crumbles, and tons of dirt gets tracked in to the house. We’d like to make it nice smooth cement.

And even with all we’ve done, there is much more to be done inside. We’ve been talking for years about building bedrooms upstairs and expanding our living room in to what is our bedroom now. Hub wants to move the front door and windows. We’d like a bay window in the kitchen.

I don’t think it ever ends when you’re a homeowner. It’s nice though to take pride in your work, and be happy with the way your home looks to others.

If only I could keep up on the housework…

We had the best kind of holiday weekend I could imagine. We spent the majority of our time outside, cooking, gardening, and working in the yard. I skipped the gym in favor of pulling the baby on long wagon rides. To say it was glorious would be an understatement.

I left work early on Friday, by about an hour, to try and beat some of the traffic. My route home is the basic route southbound out of town, so I knew it would be busy. And of course it was, so I got home at the same time I would have on a normal day leaving on time. My goal was to get all the housework done Friday night so we wouldn’t have to think about it over the weekend, so the kids and I did that while waiting for Hub to get home from work. I fed them, and when Hub came home we ordered calzones, and then we had a fire out back with my BIL and niece. It was the perfect way to kick off the weekend.

We were up early on Saturday, and drove around for a bit after breakfast to find this garden center that we knew existed, but we weren’t sure of the exact name or the exact location. We wanted to go to Wal-Mart anyway to pick up some canvas chairs, so we left and hoped that we were heading in the right direction. As it turned out, the Wal-Mart we were heading to had closed and relocated and reopened as a super center a few miles away. On our way there, we came upon the garden center. It was a pretty fabulous place, and the prices were decent. We got all the vegetables we wanted to plant for around $20 (Hopefully we’ll save at least that much over what we would buy). I’m really excited about it. We let the kids pick some things out that I’m not expecting to grow: cantaloupe(for Liv), pumpkins and corn. We got regular and cherry tomatoes, garlic, sweet onions, carrots, peppers, cucumbers, beans and eggplant. We ate lunch at the hotdog stand that was there, and Hub left us for a few minutes to go pick up a yard of dirt from the back. We did go to Wal-Mart from there and picked up what we were looking for. And once home, we set to work on getting the garden ready.

I was pleasantly surprised with how fast the work went. I was equally surprised and pleased to find that my chives from last year had grown back. Hub built the bed way out from where it was last year since we were planting so much more. By dinner time, we were done in back and after eating, we went out front and started shoveling dirt on to the flower beds. Suffice it to say, we were quite exhausted by bedtime.

Still though, I got up early on Sunday morning and made the kids (oh who am I kidding—we all ate them) cinnamon muffins and we watched CBS Sunday Morning, which is our average Sunday tradition, and I don’t really remember how we spent the rest of the afternoon, save for a wonderful 45 minute nap before heading to Hub’s cousin’s place for a birthday/Memorial Day party. Our 3 children are almost equal in age to her 3 children, and we always have a nice time over there; read: Our Kids Have Entertainment other than Each Other. We left pretty early though, in the way of leaving parties, because Liv was horrendously overtired and had scraped her knees 687 times, and it was just time to get her home and to bed.

And then there was yesterday. We all slept in until nearly 9am, and got right up and out of the house. We stopped and bought the kids donuts and chocolate milk, and Hub and I grabbed Starbucks. Then we headed to our very favorite park, which is about 30 minutes away—though we were deterred by 3 separate parades, which brought the time in the car up to around an hour. It was about 11 when we got there, and not too busy yet. What we forgot though, was the veterans park that resides inside this park, and there were at least 500 motorcycles lined up on either side of the road and tons of people converged on the memorial. We turned around and hightailed it out of there. We stopped at the creek on the way out and the kids strapped on their water shoes and had a fantastic time. Liv enjoyed it as well, so long as I was right in the water with her. I got myself a pretty good sunburn being in the water, but it was worth it to spend the time with the kids. We spent about an hour, did some shopping and bought the kids a sprinkler on the way home, and then we were done. Hub did a little more work in the garden and I camped out in a chair on the front lawn while Bud and Lucy ran through the sprinkler. The weather had been great all weekend, and by dinner time, storms loomed in the distance. We had thick steaks, baked potatoes and roasted broccoli from the grill, but ate in the living room in front of the TV instead of outside. All 3 kids were in bed before 8, and Hub and I followed soon after.

It was ridiculously hard to get back to reality today; it was such a lovely 3 days. 4-day work weeks are nice though, and before we know it, the weekend (full of plans) will be here again. I can tell you this though: I’m now totally jonesing for a real vacation. It can’t come soon enough!

Contest is for this week only–ends 5/30–please vote for her, please and thank you. You can vote Every Day!!

Vote for Lucy HERE!! Right HERE!!Parents Photo Faves Thanks again!!

Her eyes get me every time…

• I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned here a few times that I keep an eye on my 3-yo niece (Hub’s brother’s daughter) quite a bit. Yesterday she asked “Aunt Sara, do I live here?” I asked her why she would think so, and she said “I live at mommy’s house sometimes and at daddy’s house sometimes, and here sometimes too??” She’s kind of right; she has her own drawer of clothes, a pillow, a toothbrush, shoes, toys—you name it. She is with me almost as much as she is with either of her parents. And my heart broke in to a million pieces. Of course, this was close to 11:30 and she had not yet been to sleep since neither of her parents feel the need to keep her on a schedule, and I was exhausted too—so she could have said anything and I’d probably still have burst in to tears. But I think you get my point. This poor pumpkin.
• And speaking of poor pumpkins, the baby has a cough and a cold and though her spirits have been decent during the day, she’s had a few rough nights. The cough has turned almost croup-y a few times, and it’s making it hard for her to sleep. So we’ve played the “in mommy’s bed, back in the crib” game a few times over here. See also—exhausted.
• I’ve sold off a lot of the kids’ clothes on eBay this past month, and I’ve made around $200. Not bad, huh? I’ve also bought quite a bit for the kiddos, mostly new, and at a really good price. I tried something new yesterday, by where you tell this woman how much you’d like to spend, and she goes in to her supposed HUGE inventory of kids clothes and picks and sends things just for you. She guarantees at least double for your money (i.e. if you give her $20, you get at least $40 worth of clothing), so we’ll see how it works out. I gave her a little bit for the baby, who has basically all hand me downs, and a pretty considerable amount for Bud. Lucy wants to go out and buy her own clothes, so nothing for her. I’m kind of excited about it though.
• And for those of you who commented on My Previous eBay Post, it has finally been resolved and I have recouped my money. In addition, the seller sent me a very apologetic email when she received the items back and admitted that she was wrong. BooYA! (do people say that anymore?)
• Lucy has kindergarten orientation on Friday. Can you even believe it? KINDERGARTEN!! Come September, we will officially be a one child in daycare home. Praise Jesus! That shit is expensive! Unless of course we have another baby. Which Hub is vehemently against. Which makes me a little sad.
• Anyway, on the advice of my ObGyn, I’ve been on the pill for a little more than a month now—it’s that Seasonique one where you get only get your period once every 3 months. The main reason was to prevent migraines because mine generally seem to be hormone triggered. Even in that 12th week where you get your period, you take an estrogen supplement, to keep your hormone level regulated. I have to say that I feel better on this pill than I ever have on another. I haven’t lost “the desire”, and better yet, I haven’t had any migraines since I started taking it. It may just be doing what it’s supposed to do. And not having to worry about contraception doesn’t hurt too much either. One side effect during the 1st 3 months is supposed to be spotting, and I’ve had none of that either. It.Is.Awesome.
• Finally, we are seriously considering a trip to Disney at the end of August—that last week before school starts. We think we can swing it. We think we’re going to drive. (OMG) Shelly has been kind enough to give me some great tips since she has been there a zillion times. Does anyone else have tips to share with me? I’m kind of overwhelmed with the whole idea, and so I am absorbing as much information as I possibly can.

Stolen from so many….

area code: 716

b. bed size: Queen (not big enough)

c. chore you hate: any aspect of laundry.

d. dog’s name: We have no dog

e. essential “start of the day” item: coffee. Will not get very far without it

f. favorite color: pink

g. gold or silver: White gold

h. height: 5’4”

i. instruments you play: I can read music, and I can sing

j. job: Operations Consultant; Mom

k. kids: Three of them Ages 6, (almost)5, and (almost) 2

l. living arrangements: House with Hub, Kiddos, FIL, and 3 cats

m. mom’s name: Marilyn

n. nickname: I always wanted a nickname. ALWAYS. Hub has given me a few thru the years—he calls me S.L. if not Hon. Bud likes to call me Mommas Thomas because I call him Edmund Spagedmund, and he thinks he is funny. I will cut you if you call me Sar.

o. overnight hospital stay: To GiveBirth and twice for kidney stones

p. pet peeve: Not making an attempt to pronounce a last name correctly. I mean God! Sound it out! Think it through!! My last name is not and looks nothing like Benedict.

q. quote from movie: “Did somebody say ‘Able Lincoln’?”

r. righty or lefty: righty

s. siblings: 2 younger brothers

t. time you wake up: on a gym day, 4:40 AM, non- gym but work day, 6:00 AM

u. underwear: I wear them

v. vegetables you dislike: cauliflower (blech!)

w. ways or reasons you are late: stopping for coffee, or loading up kids. I despise being late though, so it is rare

x. x-rays: chest for pneumonia, dental, spine and neck after a car accident

y. yummy food you make: oven fried chicken, banana muffins

z. zoo animals you like: Giraffes

Oh, I had such a fabulous Mother’s Day. I always do and I know how blessed I am to have a husband and children who care so much about giving me a fabulous day. And it was fabulous from start to finish—and I mean start—Hub was up with the children in the night and I never heard them even once. When he told me that Lucy was up with a coughing fit, Bud was up because he had wet the bed, and that Liv stirred a few times, but never cried out, I didn’t believe him. He was that good. I rolled over an opened my eyes, and could hardly believe that it was 10 AM. The bedroom door was shut, which in itself is a luxury, and I hadn’t heard one peep from the kids all morning.

Of course as soon as I was in the bathroom, they all came barging in with choruses of “Happy Mother’s Day!” (well Liv said “Happy birthday to YOU!!”), and how could I mind when they had done so well all morning. They dragged me to the couch and gave me their handmade gifts from school—A photo magnet and a card from Lucy, and a bead necklace, card, photo magnet, and a dime from Bud. Liv’s teacher didn’t think far enough ahead to have her gift for me ready on Wednesday (the girls don’t go to school on Thursday and Friday), so I will get her gift today. I was starving, so we had coffee cake and coffee right away, and then I lazed on the couch for a while watching TV while Hub and Lucy made me “runny eggs”, toast, potatoes and bacon. The only bad thing was that I still didn’t have much of an appetite from having been so sick last week, (Did I mention? Strep Throat? Worst I’ve ever had? Seriously—so swollen I thought I’d need a tracheotomy. Yeah.) so I didn’t eat as much as I would have liked to. But it was delicious, and so thoughtful. Man, I love those people.

From there, Hub took them all out. In years past, this would be when he saw his mother for Mother’s Day, so it made me a bit sad for him. He never mentioned it, and I didn’t bring it up either. I was torn between seeming selfish and not bringing it up, or bringing it up and the potential to upset him. Still don’t know if I made the right decision, but in any case, he took them all away. And I went back to bed for 2 hours. When I woke up I treated myself to a huge piece of chocolate cake (left over from celebrating with my mother the night before), and then dinked around with my eBay stuff for a while. They finally came home, several gifts in tow, around 5PM.

I showered the children so Hub could wrap them, and then they all made a big deal about me opening them. Lucy picked out some new earrings for me, there was a new MP3 player and some headphones Hub thought would work in my tiny ears, a food processor—which is really a replacement for the one I returned but did not exchange for Christmas, and new coupon holders. It was seriously overwhelming.

We ended the day with ordered in fried chicken for dinner, the kids in bed early, Hub going off to work, and I spent some time loading songs in to my new toy. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better day. I never expected all the gifts; I had told them several times that all I wanted was to sleep in and have them cook me a nice breakfast. That was it. And they did so much more.

I don’t wish every day was Mother’s Day, though I did enjoy being treated like a queen. I have a fabulous family. Kids who are so sweet and kind, and caring. A husband who helps to foster that, and helps our kids live out the values we have. They are truly amazing. And I am blessed. And that might just be the best gift of all.