****Disclaimer**** This is written in the form of my train of thought which is a bit crazy, but I think it illustrates my point in the best possible way.
Before I had kids I always said that I wanted four, and I knew exactly how I was going to do it. I would have the first two close together, while I was in my early to mid 20’s, about 2.5 years apart. Ed and I were married when I was 23, and I was pregnant with Eddie soon after I turned 24, right on schedule. I was 25 when he was born. As it happened, Caitlyn came along when Eddie was just 19 months old, but it was close enough to “the plan” for me. I was 26 at the time.
Part two of the master plan involved having babies 3 and 4 in my early 30’s. Baby one and two would be safely off to kindergarten and beyond, eliminating previous childcare costs and it would be like starting over again. It would be perfect. Right?
Then Caitlyn turned 2 and my drive for baby making once again went in to overdrive. OVERDRIVE! But only some of the time. I go back and forth between 2 extremes…the first being MUST MAKE MORE BABIES!! NOW!!! and the other being I can never have any more children. EVER! Two is MORE THAN ENOUGH! I’m using caps to stress how strong the emotions are. And there’s never an in between—-I either want them or I don’t on any given day.
I want more kids more often than I don’t though.
I’ll be 29 in 2 weeks. (oh my gawd, TWENTY NINE, barf) All this does is focus me on the fact that soon I’ll be 30. (soon I’ll be 30, I don’t want to be 30……I’ve got some big plans could well have some big hands… [bonus points to anyone who gets that reference (besides my mother)]) {Am I a parentheses genius or what?—-no, I’m pretty annoying—-I digress} Part of me says “wait until after you are 30 to get pregnant because you can get trashed and forget you are turning 30 for like two weeks!” (Because that is responsible behavior) “Or take a vacation with your best friend to celebrate!” The other part says “probably being pregnant when you are 30 will be a terrific diversion to the fact that you are turning 30. THIRTY!!”
On a completely off the wall side note—I vividly remember my mother turning 30. She was given Oil of Olay, for her wrinkles, because she was old……30. I will knock anyone’s block off who gives me Oil of Olay.
In any case, I anticipate having baby #3 sooner than later. For one, we use no reliable and consistent birth control. The pill makes me feel like ass. And the desire to have another baby completely overwhelms me most of the time. But also, I don’t know. The thought of having these older kids who do their own thing and go to school while I spend all of my time with a baby makes me kind of sad. What if I neglect them because they really don’t need so much attention? The nice thing about having Eddie and Cait so close was that Eddie was so young he still needed a ton of attention. It forced me to be able to balance them and attend to both of their needs almost seamlessly. Maybe this is an irrational fear because I know that I thought I could never love Caitlyn like I love Eddie……and I don’t love them the same because they are totally different kids….but they do share my love equally….you know? Swistle seems to be doing a great job with the balancing of older and younger children, and she has 5 kids (FIVE KIDS) and that reassures me a bit.
In the end what will be, will be and I’m sure that I’ll have a different perspective on the situation once I’m in it. And maybe, just maybe, I need to be in the situation to put it in the right perspective. Until that time though, I’ll put up with the daily freak outs and questioning every aspect of what could possibly be as well as continue with the “third baby envy” of No Whey Mamaand Devan which has pretty much sent me over the edge.
I’ll also count my blessings though because I have to two most amazing and perfect kiddos in the world and if I never had another baby I’d still be the luckiest girl in the world.
Incubation Nation 