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Signs That You Are SO Done with this Pregnancy Crap

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• You have to pee 453 times per day but nothing more than a trickle comes out. But somehow, if you cough or sneeze, it seems like a gallon leaks out.
• Even with DD’s you seem flat chested compared to your bulbous belly
• When your husband tells you that you look nice, you scoff as in “Yeah right!!”. When he says that he means it, you burst in to tears.
• You are glued to The Discovery Health Channel and are convinced that everything on TV is happening to you.
• Odd body parts have begun to sweat.
• You have run out of polite responses to comments such as “Oh yes, you are definitely bigger than yesterday!” or “Gosh, you are going to pop any second. Are you due in the next few days?” and instead say through gritted teeth “Actually I have at lease 6 more weeks to go. And until you said something, I didn’t really feel any bigger than I did yesterday. So thanks for your input.”
• Public bathroom stall doors bang you in the belly as you try to maneuver in to the stall.
• Your facilities manager, who has made arrangements for you to park right up front in Customer Parking so that you don’t have to park ¼ of a mile away next to the dumpsters every morning, thinks it is hysterical to make comments about calling off the tow trucks for that blue van up front every time he sees you.
• When your husband suggests that maybe your sonogram will reveal that the baby is of normal size and we really do have 8 weeks to go, you have to fight (hard) the urge to punch him in the gut.
• Because your first two pregnancies were so close together, acquaintances at work have sort of merged them together. You can see shock and disbelief when they realize it is your third. Then they make offhanded remarks such as “Wow, 3 under 4! You’ll have your hands full!” Listen bitches, my hands have been full since the first one was born. STFU.
• Your maternity pants no longer stay up and you are constantly showing ass crack.
• You’ve given up caring that your hair is way too long AND that you have WAY too many scraggly greys.
• When your son wants to know how much older he will be than his baby brother who will come AFTER this baby, you throw up a little bit in your mouth.
• You wonder if at this stage in the game, consuming mass quantities of caffeine would really do any harm to the baby. You begrudgingly stick to your 1-2 cups per day.
• You would like to be able to eat toast or a cracker without getting heartburn.
• You know that as miserable as you are, it will be *SO* worth it in the end.

10 responses »

  1. STFU is the theme of the day, apparently. But this post has a nice, sweet ending.

  2. Discovery Health channel ROCKS! I love it. Mystery Diagnosis, Dr G.: Medical Examiner, Deliver Me, etc. Did you see the show about the people who didn’t even KNOW they were pregnant? WTF? Even after watching it, I can’t figure it out. One lady didn’t know she was pregnant WITH TWINS. Holy crap! They do show an awful lot of women giving birth on that channel, though. I find myself squeezing my legs together quite a bit while watching.

  3. This is a great list! I remember so much of this. Especially having to pee All The Time and nothing coming out. Yet, leaking every time you sneeze. Gah.Is it weird that I am grinning and nostalgic through this post? And looking forward to the next time my belly can bang against the bathroom walls. Or break vases in department stores with its hugeness. (True Story! They didn’t make me pay for it, either)

  4. Oh honey I’m sorry. I know. I’ve been there. Happily I’m never going there again. :)I can’t watch those medical shows. There are just some things I’d rather not know. My husband hates me for it.

  5. Ha! Love it! And yes, watching Discovery Health (or even *shudder* ER) is NOT advised whist pregnant.

  6. I do love the STFU! You cracked me up, though, funny girl!

  7. Oh UGH. It’s getting closer at least. You can no longer say, “I have X monthS” to go. You are down a month and change.

  8. Aw, man, the one about getting hit with the bathroom stall door – that would BLOW.

  9. It’s been a while since I was pregnant, but it’s all coming back to me now. Thanks. 🙂 Oh the heartburn…oh the bagging pants…ugh.

  10. You still have the “Haven’t you had that baby *yet*?” stage to go, I’m sorry to say.


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