I’m struggling with having been consistently ill since December 15th. I had a small break between illnesses, but really, it’s been all sick, all the time up in here. And it’s hard to be sick under normal circumstances, but when you are sick and can’t do much about it, it’s even worse. The meds I’m “allowed” to take don’t do anything. There’s been a ton of honey and lemon and tea coursing through my system. I think I’m finally starting to feel better, but my stomach muscles are so incredibly sore, especially those surrounding my umbilical hernia, that I want to (1) scream and (2) curl up in to a ball and die every time I have a coughing fit. It’s depressing, to say the least.
And of course, I could be bed ridden and have a multitude of other problems. I don’t, and I am grateful. I am probably healthier now at this point than I’ve been in any of my other pregnancies. Complaining about back to back (to back) colds does seem a bit trite. I know. I KNOW. And I’m doing it anyway. I know.
My 28-week appointment last week earned me the right to stop working. I told her about my ribs falling asleep, and being unable to type around my belly, and the other uncomfortable issues I’m having. She thought I was crazy for working this long anyway. So, I am finishing up a few minor work things this week in my spare time, but I am officially off from now until 12 or so weeks after the babies are here. We have a ton to do to get ready, so it makes me feel a bit better. Now, to just feel well enough to get it all done.
Hannah went with me to my appointment last week as she was on her last swine flu recovery day before going back to school, and the dr. let her work the Doppler to hear the heartbeats. Even though she was shy, she kind of thought it was the greatest thing ever. I’m worried about Hannah and her adjustment after the babies are here.
Honestly, I think I’m more worried about ME adjusting to her not being the baby than I am about her own adjustment. I’m sure that I wrote something similar about Caitlyn when Hannah was the unknown person in my womb, but Hannah is just…Hannah. She was such a sick and needy baby with her awful reflux and ear infections and never sleeping. It has sort of been the mommy and Hannah show for nearly 5 years now. She probably gets 50% of my total parenting attention with Eddie and Cait (who are granted self sufficient and older) splitting the other 50%. I don’t know why or what it is about her that makes me coddle her so. When I think about not having All the Time for her though, I get panicky and sad. This is irrational, I know. Just like I know that our family dynamic will change and be just fine, just like it has been every other time. As much as I like to think it, she really hasn’t been a baby for a long time. We’re registering her for kindergarten next month for pete’s sake! Anyway, I will get over it, obviously. It’s just been weighing on me this last week or so.
So anyway…tomorrow is 30 weeks, which means we have an official 8 weeks until baby time. As much as I will be glad to have the pregnancy over with, I still feel like *I* need more time. Perhaps I can slow the weeks down somehow.