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A bright spot in an otherwise crappy Father’s Day. My Family.

I was worried that with the weather forecast for this past weekend as well as the many many things we had going on we would not be able to get the garden planted. It’s was already about a week later than I’d have liked for it to be, so I knew that it was Saturday, or never. I talked Hub in to going to buy the plants on Friday night, as well as 1.5 yards of dirt and compost. He’d already dug to make the garden bigger than it was last year, but we definitely needed dirt. He knew that I’d be planting, rain or shine on Saturday so he, Bud and BIL shoveled all the dirt in at around 10PM Friday night.

This is what it looked like in the morning after about 4 hours of rain:

To keep the plants safe, Bud allowed us to store all of our plants overnight in his clubhouse:

This is how you know it is his clubhouse:
girls drule and stink like a but

Lucy thought it would be a great idea to make some markers for the garden with some of her craft sticks:

Here she is inspecting the plants to make sure we had a stick for everything:

Haley thought it might be fun to dig in the dirt. (I thought not):

Lu took my picture before she decided to go inside because it was too wet and muddy:

I had an idea in my head of how I wanted things to be laid out, but you never really know about these things until you do it. I already have chives in the corner by the fence, so I knew that my onions and garlic should go over there, and I wanted the things that grow tall along the back of the fence. The rest was kind of a crapshoot, but I laid it out as best as I could before I started digging.

When I was about halfway done, I acquired a very cute blonde helper. Who wore her winter boots. Because she did not want muddy toes.

Finally, everything was in the ground! Aren’t Lucy’s markers a nice touch?

The girls and I went to a baptism yesterday morning, and then I took Lucy to a birthday party. I came home to find the edges complete, and a nice dog-blocking fence. Yay for Hub! (now he just needs to work on the rest of the mud pityard)

**I wrote this on 5/12 and never posted it because Blogger was down**

My day started badly. Very badly. Never mind that I’d stayed up too late reading last night because I am still annoyingly on Pacific Standard time and I was exhausted, but I had to get Hub up and out the door, so he could be back in time to put the kids on the bus so I could go in for day 2 of my 90 days in the office. It turned out though that in order to be back in time to get FIL to his appointment today, Hub would have had to leave for his job much sooner. And so, I stayed back to put the kids on the bus and to make it in to the office by 9:30 or so.

I wait until the very last minute to get dressed, and at the moment that I am completely naked in my bedroom, the big kids start screaming from the driveway. “Haley got out!! Haley got out!” I hear them, but I don’t move right away. What is my option here? Chase her? Let her go? I’m tired, do I really care? As the screams outside grow more frantic though, I throw on jeans and the t shirt I slept in, and run outside. Haley is zig-zagging back and forth from our side of the street to the neighbors across. The big kids are jumping and screaming “she’s going to get kiiiiiiled!!!!” She is a maniac. One neighbor tries to lure her with bones, and you can almost see Haley laugh in her face. I cross the street and call to her, so of course she bolts. We live 2 houses from the corner of a busy-ish street, and that is right where she headed. She wants to chase the cars! I start after her as she makes her way around the corner. It’s only as I’m walking and the cars were speeding past me that I realized I’d forgotten my bra. So there I was, running down the road in a flimsy t-shirt with my boobs ablaze for everyone to see. People who were likely driving their kids to school. People who might know me.

I have a bit of dignity, you know, and really, after nursing 3 kids, I should not be seen anywhere braless. Plus, I’d basically left my kids home alone while I chased her, which was maybe not the best decision in the world. So I say to myself “Screw this. She has tags and she’s micro-chipped. I’ll come back with the car.” And I turn around. And good old Haley turns around and followed me. She did! All the way home! And when we get to our driveway, she bolts again, all the way down the street.

I call to Lucy to grab me her leash. Our neighbors across the street are watching the kids and I go after her. We have new next door neighbors with a German shepherd who is Haley’s age. I’ve not had much interaction with them because they are impossibly young and cute brand new 1st time homeowners and they make me feel old, but of course, I run in to the guy walking his dog. We exchange quick pleasantries and I, already a sweaty mess from this ordeal feel myself turning red as I imagine him going home to tell his fiancé all about my flappy boobs. I see Haley stop a few houses down, so I speed up. Oh! She stopped so she could poop on someone’s lawn. SPLENDID. When I get to her, the someone who the lawn belongs to is staring at me from her kitchen window. Decidedly not happy. I give her a sheepish grin and corner the dog in her side yard where she is eating flowers, and slip the leash around her neck.

She happily walks me home as if everything that happened was normal. A neighbor drives up in a car to ask if I’m going to beat her when we get home. Seriously. I laugh and say that nope, I will leave that to Hub, thinking “Oh really? You got JOKES right now motherfucker??” She is home in time for the bus to arrive, so we see the kids off, I clean myself up and finish getting dressed, get a bag to clean up the poop, and get Liv in the car and drive to the lawn Haley pooped on. Of course, the lady is no longer perched in her window, so I don’t feel as redeemed as I’d have liked, but, at least the poop is gone. We turn around and I stop briefly in our driveway to fling the bag of poop in to our yard.

Finally I’m on my way to work. I neglect to tell Hub any of this until he calls to ask about the poop bag in the yard. Oh, and to tell me that FIL wasn’t up to going to his appointment, so he could have actually waited to go to work. I decide to not blow a gasket, and instead simply tell him that the dog got out and pooped where she shouldn’t have, so I cleaned it up on my way out.

That’s all he needs to know. Besides, I’m sure he’ll hear all about it from the neighbors anyway.

• I took the day off on Friday to give myself a 4 day weekend, and planned on doing work in the basement because there are just boxes of clothes everywhere, but Hub ended up having a work emergency that required me doing some running around for him, so he suggested that I take my mom out for lunch since I would be nearby. I took her to Panera and we had a really nice time. Then, after I dropped her off I stopped at Target, (the closest one to my house that I never go to because I don’t like the neighborhood, AND it is always overrun with Canadians and is super busy) and because they are remodeling to add grocery, EVERYTHING was on sale or on clearance. I spent $100 and got the girls sandals and dresses and a few outfits for Liv, plus several t-shirts for Bud. The best find was a long hippie-esque sundress for Lu, which she loves and wore ALL weekend. $8. They had other styles and I just might go back to see if they’re still there. Then, Hub was working late so I decided to take the kids out for dinner. We just had hotdogs and shakes, but it was a nice time together.
• My girlfriend and I went to the NKOTBSB concert on Saturday, (judge if you must) and because we did just see NKOTB 2 summers back, we decided we were just going to buy the cheap seats and go and have a good time. We knew they were kind of the nose bleeds, but it was quite a surprise when we arrived to find that we were in the 2nd to last row of the entire arena. We were making the best of it when we were approached by a man with an arena name badge and a handful of tickets. He asked if we were alone and when we said we were, he asked if we’d like to move. I was all “HELL YES!” while my friend was making sure it wasn’t a scam. He handed us tickets to move all the way down in the center. We sat in ROW 8. It was freaking amazing. We had a fabulous night, from drinks beforehand to riding the subway there and back. I really needed a night like that.
• We didn’t think we were going to make a ton of progress in the garden this past weekend because it has rained 24/7 for what seems like weeks on end, but Sunday morning looked bright (especially bright in my post concert haze), and we decided to go to our favorite garden center and at least get the flowers for the front of the house. Last year was the first year we even had a flower bed out front, and I never ended up planting anything, so I was excited to get it going. I bought a hydrangea, which I’d been wanting forever and 2 other perennials, plus my mom gave me a gerbera daisy she got. I filled in with some other flowers, and it looks really nice. Next weekend: Veggies!!
• Yesterday we spent the day with Hub’s cousins for a Memorial Day/Birthday party and somehow decided that we are going to do a family camping trip in June. It’s just the kind of thing that I always wanted to do as a kid and I think our kids will really enjoy it. And I’m glad we are close with Hub’s cousins and that we have kids who are the same age to grow up with.

If you follow me on Twitter, or if we are friends on Facebook, you are likely aware of the events of the last week or so. In the event that you aren’t though, let me catch you up. Last Saturday morning, FIL passed away somewhat unexpectedly. I tweeted about it a few times. Gave vague Facebook updates, but really I didn’t say much. I especially didn’t write about it here because that would make it too real. This is a very very bad time for us.

Last Friday, Hub spent the whole day with FIL, carrying him out of and then back in to the house after 5 or so hours at the pain management clinic. They came home with a plan, new meds and with hope that he would be able to make it out of his chair to shower. We left a message with his primary doctor to get a prescription for a wheelchair so he could go outside with the kids. Hub was looking in to what needed to be done to build a ramp outside for him and was going to call Hospice for home care on Monday morning. Hub got him set up with the new meds—2 patches and a dissolvable pill. He made him drink a Boost because he’d barely eaten or had anything to drink all day.

The kids had been bugging us to have a fire in the yard complete with marshmallows and so we did. Hub and I even had a few drinks. We were optimistic that FIL would be feeling better in the morning. The whole week was just too much for him to handle pain wise and he’d had conversations with Hub and me both through tears. He wasn’t even dragging himself down the stairs and outside to smoke. If this didn’t work, nothing would. By the time we were done outside and had the kids in bed, it was midnight. We closed up the house and Hub checked in on FIL before we went to bed. He was comfortable, didn’t need anything and they argued about him putting his oxygen on per usual. We went to bed.

I am usually the first one up on Saturdays. I can’t sleep in anymore and I have things to do before taking the girls to gymnastics. Because of our late night though, I laid in bed and Hub got up first. He immediately went to check on FIL. I heard him asking “Dad? Dad??” and part of me knew and got out of bed, but until he came in to the living room white as a ghost and told me that he thought his dad was dead did I believe it. I can’t explain the feeling that came over me; my knees weak and I knew I had to sit down. I did, but only for a brief second. Hub was calling 911 and the kids were waking up. We decided that I would take them out of the house, earlier than planned, take them to breakfast, and basically just have a normal Saturday. We didn’t want them around when the coroner came or when police or ambulances showed up. We left in our pajamas and changed in the McDonalds bathroom. People probably thought we were vagabonds. I didn’t care.

Hub called our friend M who has an undertaker friend. M came to sit with Hub and helped him make phone calls. Hub’s aunt came and sat as well. Police arrived and confirmed that it looked like a massive heart attack. It took hours, but the undertaker finally came and took him away. I kept a brave face for the kids, and just focused on getting through the morning. I don’t think they suspected a thing. M’s wife insisted that I bring the kids to her house after gymnastics and I did, and we all had lunch. Hub met us and ate a bit, and then we took the kids home. We had them sit on the couch, and Hub told them what had happened.

If I thought before that Lucy’s cries in the hospital after we told her MIL had passed away would haunt me for the rest of my life, I certainly never expected things could be worse. Bud handled MIL’s death with grace. Both he and Lu were hysterical about FIL. I get it too. He was their (especially Bud’s) very best buddy. More than a grandpa. More than a friend. Their everyday life was not just Mom and Dad, but was Mom, Dad and Grandpa. In an instant, our entire family dynamic changed.

We spent Saturday night with Hub’s family, and the kids went back there on Sunday while we planned the funeral. It was odd taking our kids somewhere to be watched…they’ve always just stayed home. We planned the funeral, flew Hub’s sister in, had the funeral on Wednesday and basically went about our everyday business. We could hardly believe on Saturday that it had already been a week. A whole week. And now we have the whole rest of our lives to figure out.

We moved in with FIL in 1999. I wasn’t keen on living with my boyfriend’s father, but it was cheap and it was a house. He retired in 2004 when Bud was born to help us out with childcare costs and continued watching both kids a few days a week until Lucy was mobile and it was too much for him. After that though, he was our nighttime sitter, before and after school care—Liv’s prime occupier. We’ve known nothing else for 12 years. I don’t know how to manage my family without that third set of hands. Even as his condition worsened, he was able to be home for Bud and Lucy after school. He couldn’t watch Liv anymore, but that was ok.

Now? Now we have nothing. We were more than blessed. We’re both kind of asking “now what?”. Hub doesn’t know how to live a life without his dad with whom he lived for 30 or his 35 years. My kids don’t know how to live life without grandpa, the ever present from the moment they were born. I don’t know how to be in a house that is so quiet and feels so empty without the TV blaring, or oxygen machine going, or someone standing in the exact one place that I need to stand with no sense of the fact that they are in the way. I am not a fan of this at all.

And the fact that it still seems so unreal. How much is it going to hurt when it’s really real?

My guess is a lot.

Hub met me at the airport so late on Friday night that It was almost Saturday, with a cup of Tim Horton’s coffee. “Real coffee”, he said, since he knew I’d been drinking Starbucks mud all week. Late as it was, I was grateful. He’s a keeper, that one.

All things considered, I had a pretty good week. My flights last Sunday were full of turbulence, but not horrible. I was able to get a window seat on the long flight in to LA, and spent it alternating looking out the window and watching a movie. I marveled at how brown New Mexico and Arizona seemed from the sky. I sat next to a guy with the longest legs EVER, so long that they invaded my space, but still, I did ok and only got up to pee once. After retrieving our things at LAX, my friends and I spent the rest of the day in Santa Monica, Hollywood, and Beverly Hills.

The work part of the trip was not half bad either. I mean, any time you get 15 project managers in a room, all passionate about their particular subject and way of doing things it can be a bit crazy, and it was. But I guess in the good sense of crazy. The summit, as we called it was jam packed with learning and mapping out our new process to kick off the project that we will be running until the end of July (a project that will have me going in to the actual office at least 3 days a week, but that is a post for another day), but because of the sheer volume of knowledge, we had a good break schedule, and we were out no later than 5 every day. We only had one scheduled dinner the whole time we were there, so our evenings were basically free to do whatever we wanted. I saw more of Hollywood, went shopping, and spent an evening in Malibu.

This was quite the concept for me, as I’m sure you can imagine. Do you know when the last time that I had no obligations after work was? When I could go out to dinner, and not worry about being back to put someone to bed, or make tomorrow’s lunches or do the dinner dishes? It’s been a long time. We’d go out for the night, and then come back and sit around the fire at the hotel and relax before going to bed. I missed my family terribly, but it was sure nice to be on my own for a while.

The last night after seeing a movie in a VIP lounge, my friend K and I had drinks out on the patio at the hotel. When I went in to get 2 more, the bartender was closing up for the night, but still agreed to make the drinks. He made them extra strong, and didn’t charge me. I stayed up too late, drank too much, and passed out in bed without even packing up. Friday morning came early, and I basically threw all my stuff in to my suitcase so I could head in to work for an hour before the shuttle came to take us to the airport.

And just like that, it was over. I wasn’t able to change my seat for the plane ride back, but sat between 2 much smaller people so I was a bit more comfortable. We flew all day, but it seemed like I was home in an instant. As if I never left, I relaxed on the couch for a few minutes, wiped down the kitchen counters, and took the cats their (very late) dinner. I was exhausted, but still had a hard time sleeping. The girls expected me to take them to gymnastics in the morning, so I did.

I’m still not unpacked, I’m still totally on west coast time, and I have a very busy week ahead of me. But I am home and I am glad.

I had planned on writing an entire post tonight, but after 8 hours in the air yesterday, and then a full day of tourism afterward, plus work and then some more fun tonight, I am totally wiped. I’m having a good time so far though. We’ve been to Hollywood, Santa Monica, Rodeo Drive, Sprinkles Bakery and tonight to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. So yeah, like I said—so worn out.
I talked to the kids when I left work tonight, and they were getting ready for bed, and I was fine talking to the big kids, but talking to the baby on the phone just tore me up. “Whatcha doing?”, she asked. I told her I missed her very much and she said :I miss you too very much, Mama. And I love you very much.” And then I fell over dead.
So, 2 days away and I miss my small people.
I did not end up pre-packing their lunches, in case you were wondering. Hub has it under control. But I did leave their clothes out.
I texted Hub, my mother and my brother tonight at a little after 8 PM. At the time it didn’t even register that they might not be awake since at home, it was after 11. Oops. Then we got lost in the Hollywood hills, so there was that. It was kind of hilarious.
This did turn in to a bit of a post after all, huh? Let’s have a few pictures for posterity.

If you know me at all by now, you know that my kids’ teeth are very important to me. From the time Bud popped his first pearly white, I have been a basket case about teeth being knocked out, and cavities and anything remotely dental related. I am very laid back about many things as a parent (really, I am!!), but about teeth, I am so not.

A few weeks ago Hub and I took the kids in for their 6 month dental cleaning and checkup only to find out that the pediatric dentist had a death in her family and was not able to check the kids out. They were seen by the hygienists though and the cleanings and x-rays went well. Lucy had no issues to speak of. Bud and Liv though, were a different story.
I have perfect teeth!

Bud has had issues with his teeth for a very long time. You may remember when he had an extra tooth extracted from in between his 2 front teeth, just before he started Kindergarten. At the time of that extraction, the original plan was to remove the extra tooth as well as his 2 front teeth, which I was completely against. When we showed up for the surgery, the pediatric dentist was uncomfortable with taking the tooth out because of the roots and many prongs, so she had the actual oral surgeon come in. He removed the extra and said he saw no reason to take out the fronts. The x-rays showed that Bud’s permanent teeth, which were still under the gums, had been turned to the side because of the expanding extra tooth. We hoped that with it out of there, that they would turn around, and come in somewhat straight. We’ve had no such luck, and in addition, keeping the front teeth, which were really secured in there, caused some more problems with the spacing. One did come out on its own, but Bud had the second one pulled yesterday. As you can imagine, with 2 traumatic experiences under his belt, Bud is not a big fan of the dentist. And he is not looking forward to the first of what will be MANY orthodontic appointments in June. He is young for braces, but we are likely looking at spacers to keep the teeth in the right spots as his mouth grows and then braces later on.
I’m not even showing you my teeth anymore

When Live saw the hygienist, she indicated that her 2 year molars—which she just got–had already developed cavities; she said that the enamel was very soft. The dentist yesterday said this is a defect that occurs during fetal development; was probably nothing I did or didn’t do, but is likely just genetics. (I have very very soft teeth, so the genetic thing makes sense.) Hub and I were hoping that she could maybe just seal them in the office, but since these are teeth that she will keep until she is 11 or 12, they need to be capped. Capping takes about 30 minutes a tooth and can take longer on a small mouth. The recommendation is to have her go to the local children’s hospital, where she will be sedated, and the dentist will do all 4 caps. She’s been through anesthesia with her tubes before and was just fine, but I still don’t like the idea of my baby being put under. And I don’t know if Hub asked about this or not (I was at work) but I want them to be white caps, not metal. The pediatric dentist isn’t in again until tomorrow, so I am going to call her. She wanted Hub to pre-register for the procedure right then and there, but he brought all the paperwork home so she doesn’t end up being scheduled when I am away. In any case, we’ll need to fix them sooner rather than later so they don’t rot.
This is not why I have cavities!

I’m not looking forward to the months/years ahead with all of this, but at least I know that what we do now, will go a long way towards the kids having healthy mouths for a long time to come. It won’t be fun, and it certainly won’t be cheap, but it will be worth it.

I am increasingly panicky about my trip, for which I leave at the bright and early hour of 4:30 am this Sunday. It’s to the point where if I am even off task for a second, my mind wanders to the trip and the flights and what to pack and the kids and the dog and FIL, and Hub packing lunches and OMFG, like seriously, I cannot shut it off. And maybe it will help me to type it all out, or maybe it won’t because it might just cause me to think of new things to panic about. But I’m going to type it all out regardless and maybe you can talk me down from the ledge, or give me some travel tips or something.

The Flights– until yesterday, I did not even have seats on any of them; they all showed as confirmed but unassigned and I was told to just get to the airport early and they would help me. And what now? Well after my friend R called them to see if we could sit together, it kind of worked out in that I have a seat on all but 1 flight, but they are all middle seats and on the long flight, it is middle row middle seat. And I’m a nervous pee-er and just thinking about sitting in the middle makes me have to pee. Furthermore related to the flights, I have only gone on one other trip in my life that required me to fly and it was maybe 3 hours of flying each way. This is 8. 8 hours enclosed in a plane. In a middle seat. While I have to pee.

The Packing-I’ve never checked a bag before, but that isn’t what’s concerning me in particular although it does make me a little bit nervous. I’m more having a problem with the whole carryon situation. I will carry on my laptop and my purse. I don’t know if I need an additional carryon bag. I’m generally a light packer anyway but I don’t know…could it be useful? Or will it be more of a pain in the ass as all of us traveling together try to load the car? I don’t want to seem overly prepared or be that person that everyone jokes about bringing their entire house with them on the trip. But I don’t want to be underprepared either, or have no room to bring things back.

The Preparing at Home Hub already asked the kids if they could just buy lunch every day while I was away because he doesn’t feel like making them lunch. This sent Lu in to a nervous tizzy because she only likes to buy when she knows and likes exactly what is on the menu that day. He’s now said that he could slap some meat between bread but the whole snack and drink situation is too much for him. So I need to lay out 5 days of lunch snacks and beverages. I need to tell him when to shower the kids, when to get them up and out for the bus. I need to lay out 5 days worth of outfits which means I’ll need to keep an eye on the weather. Hub can handle the general household upkeep and such—that is completely his thing– but the kids are my jurisdiction. And I could not even tell you what he will do when Liv wakes up 40 times a night.

The GuiltI don’t feel guilty about leaving, per se, though I’ve never been away from my babies for more than 2 nights and this is 6 full days away from them. I feel guilty about being excited to get the hell out of here for a week where there are no school functions or TKD or taking FIL to radiation or walking the dog. I feel guilty for getting an entire week that is essentially all about me (I will be working though) when there is so much going on here. I feel guilty that when my kids are being pains in the ass, as they have been colossally over the last few days, that I am thinking to myself “aaah 4 more days and I am out of here!”. I refuse to feel guilty about sleeping alone in a king size bed with extra pillows though.

The To-Do List I have personal things to do, like get a pedicure and have my eyebrows waxed, and buy travel sized shampoos and such. I signed Liv up for daycare on Tuesday and Thursday so Hub doesn’t have to worry about coordinating times with my mom. I’ve been steadily making a pile in our bedroom of things I need to remember to take (Kindle, camera, an extra book or 2)I think I want to write out specific instructions for Hub about each of the kids and I think I want to write them each a note for each day I’ll be away in case we don’t get a chance to talk with the time change. My office needs to be cleaned up, my laptop bag cleaned out and organized. There are millions of things and the more I think about it, the list gets longer and longer.

Hmm, that did help a bit, if only for a short time. I am really mostly excited about going, especially the 80 degree 0% chance of precipitation weather. And visiting Hollywood. I’m sure that once I am no longer distracted I’ll find more to fret about though. So help a sister out. Speak in soft soothing tones. Teach me how to travel. Tell me everything will be ok.

• Last week on a conference call, it was alluded to that there would be travel in my very near future. Yesterday it was confirmed, and I will be spending the entire 1st week in May in sunny California in our office that is about 30 minutes outside of LA. Despite the fact that I will be missing Hub’s birthday, my mother’s birthday and Muffins with Mom at school (plus the big TAP vote for next year’s board), I am very very excited. It is entirely possible that I will be locked in a room (in what we call “Summit”) from 8am-9pm for a few days but I don’t even care. A bed to myself. A whole room to myself! For 5 nights! I’m not much looking forward to like 9 hours of flying each way, but I think I will be ok! (Send me your book recommendations so I can loan my Kindle!!) The plan right now is to arrive early on Sunday afternoon, so I can be sure to see Hollywood with my work girls before we go our separate ways during the week. AAH!! I am excited!
• But unlike my regular work day routine, there will be daily showers and getting ready instead of pony tails and sweats. I also feel like CA Saly has to look better than NY Saly. Maybe I’ll actually do my hair and wear some make-up. Maybe I can lose 50lbs in 2 weeks.
• My usual mother’s day plan of spending the day alone while Hub takes the kids away is likely out the window though. I couldn’t possibly tell him to take them away after being gone for a whole week. (Could I?)
• I am on vacation next week and with the exception of Tuesday, the kids will be gone the whole time, either with my mom or at daycare/camp. Hub and I need to get this house in order—scrubbed, de-cluttered, all of it. I’m not exactly sure how that is going to go with a puppy underfoot, but we do have high hopes. I have no idea how this happens—the filth build up. I feel like we are constantly cleaning. Ugh.
• We also have plans of making and laminating weekly chore charts that we can use dry erase markers to check off. Seriously. But it is true; things go much better when we have a schedule to follow. And the kids like to know up front what they have to do every day rather than me barking that their laundry will not fold and put itself away and those trash cans will not empty themselves!
• Hub is going to get the puppy Sunday morning. I am not going because I am putting together a little birthday party here for Niece. OF COURSE I AM!!
• Squee!! 2 days ‘til puppy time!!