Dear Grocery Store-
Is it too much to ask for you to carry some GOLDEN Italian Dressing? Seriously! There are people our there who don’t want balsamic this and Extra Virgin that! I just wanted some regular effing dressing! JEEZE!
If you make fun of one of my typos in an instant message again I’m going to lose it. Because you’re perfect, right? Keep in mind that I wouldn’t be sending mass IM’s if you were doing your jobs. Rot in hell.
Can we get over this silent fight reminiscent of Everybody Loves Raymond where neither of us will empty the bathroom garbage can regardless of how full it is? So what if I’ve jammed a toilet paper tube in there and am now packing my garbage in to the tube just so that it fits without getting all over the floor. You should suck it up and empty it.
Also, no, you can not touch my boobs. Deal with the fact that it’s probably going to be a year before you can.
Dear Tomato Sandwich (that I brought for lunch today)—
I can’t wait to eat you!!!
I appreciate you taking the initiative to keep your own butt clean after multiple attempts on our part as well as seriously cutting back on your food. This does not mean that I want said ass in face.
How I miss you. Your delicious aroma is everywhere. I am looking forward to the day we can meet again peacefully.
We get that you are four now. Contrary to popular belief, this does not mean that you can stay up late or drive the car. You are four, which is big, but not that big.
Please just go away. I am begging you. Please, once and for all.
Dear Christmas and Birthday Photos-
Could you maybe upload yourself? I just don’t feel like it.
Dear OBGYN’s of the World-
Can the best one in my area that delivers at the hospital I want just contact me directly? Finding someone who is reputable when you are pregnant is hard work. I know you’re looking for me……here I am!!! Conversely, can you, the OBGYN I want, change your policy and deliver at my hospital of choice? That would work a whole lot better for me. Kay? Thanks.
Telling me that your hands are full to get out of doing something when it is apparent that your hands are not full is probably not the best lie you could tell. It reminds me how innocent you are though even when you’re trying to be a piss-pot. Also, I’m proud of you for being able to recognize all of your letters. I had no idea you could do that!
Dear End of the Day
Please come quickly! I want to go home!!!
Love to you all,