I had a really good trip to Target this weekend.  I still haven’t found a maxi dress that I can wear–apparently, big boobs and hips indicate that you are tall, very tall, so I haven’t found one that doesn’t drag on the floor. I did find this chambray dress though, and I fell in love with it–1. the fact that I fit in to a dress from target that was not in the plus or maternity section, and 2. it really is super cute!  Just look:

I also bought these sandals:

I bought some fitted tees and workout clothes as well.  I’ve been feeling pretty good about the way I look lately, and I enjoyed shopping.  I’m not skinny by any means, but I am more toned than I’ve been in a long time.  I’m enjoying wearing clothes that make me feel like I look good.

If only I could do something about my hair.  I had the straightest of straight hair up until a few years ago.  I never used a hair dryer, never had to worry about it.  Now?  The shit is straight up wavy/borderline curly.  If it is humid, as summer in Buffalo tends to be? Forget it.  What is a girl to do? It seems like even if I blow it straight complete with product, that as soon as it hits the humidity, or I sweat a little bit that it all goes to hell.  Being that I never learned how to do my hair, I am at a loss.  So tell me–what am I supposed to do with my hair?

• I think I forgot to mention that we had the police here over Memorial Day weekend. As is our usual weekend plan, we had a fire out back. Hub had been saving our Christmas tree, for compost he says, well…since Christmas. I went inside for a minute and came back out to see that he’d thrown the tree on the fire. They tell you to keep your Christmas tree moist for a reason, right? Picture a dry-ass Christmas tree catching fire. This tree sparked and then suddenly the flames were higher than the house. The leaves on our live chestnut tree were starting to curl. Hub grabbed the hose and put it out just in time, leaving a normal subdued fire in its wake. He thought it was hysterical. Me? Not so much. Anyway, about 30 minutes later an officer was peeking over our side fence. I caught his eye and he said he’d had a complaint of a fire too big for a back yard. He was looking around, and said “Clearly, you have an overreacting neighbor. This fire is fine.” Hub and I looked at each other and sort of shrugged our shoulders. And now we are plotting against the neighbor next door.
• I got our garden, both front and back completely planted that weekend as well. I never thought that I would be the gardening type, like ever. But it is so fun, and I love that I can eat what I grow, AND that the compost we worked on all winter is integrated in to the soil and is feeding our new veggies. Circle of life and all that crap. It is a gorgeous garden if I do say so myself. Separate garden post forthcoming.
 • I will show you this though—Bud built me a planter on the side of the garage, to dress up the back yard a bit. Isn’t it just great?

 • I finally added internet listening to my SiriusXM plan, and am enjoying listening to Howard while I work.
 • This maybe isn’t such a fun bit, but it is interesting for me. I’ve given up dairy.. My skin has been a mess for the better part of a year. I’ve been on every prescription acne medication. I’ve used everything you can imagine over the counter. Nothing works. I’ve waited for it to “get worse before it gets better” through countless regimens and nothing. Mild to no improvements on all fronts. So I’ve decided that it must be something inside my body that is making it so bad. I had a milk allergy when I was a kid, that gradually turned in to an intolerance. Certain forms of dairy make me feel worse than others, but generally my tolerance is high. I think. Or I thought. I noticed that I have more breakouts when I’ve been drinking iced coffee—you know that comes with heavy cream and wheels started turning. I’ve been thinking about doing it for a while now, and so I started yesterday. My plan is to give it 30 days and see what happens. I hope it works, because if not, gluten is next and I think I need gluten.
 • The best news of all has been finalizing some plans to meet up with 3 fantastic ladies in July, and having potential plans to see Carrie and her new baby (This should be easier than it actually is. She lives an hour away from me.) In my 12 years of blogging, I’ve had all of these relationships and I’ve never met anyone in person. This is a step for me, and an even bigger step for Hub who is convinced that everyone on the internet is a murderous stalker. Meet-ups ahoy!

When I think of my Liv, I think without fail “my baby”, or “the baby”. She is, right? She still snuggles up with me on the couch in the morning, still has a bedtime routine and is still such a lovey dovey. She can’t be anything more than a baby right?

It takes me seeing pictures of her to knock me in to reality—Liv is a full blown kid. Not a baby or even a toddler, a kid. In 2 months, she will be 4 and has asked to get her ears pierced. A kid.

This. Right here. This is a kid.

I still refuse to believe it.

I vaguely remember Hub climbing over me to get out of bed early in the morning and Liv coming in some time later only to be shuffled out again. Then it was 10am and I was wide awake, not really remembering the last time I’d slept in, truly uninterrupted. I was greeted with a chorus on “Happy Mother’s Day!” and had bakery donuts and coffee waiting for me. Man, I love bakery donuts. Hub and I watched CBS Sunday morning and read the paper and later on he and the kids made me chocolate chip pancakes. Then, they left for the day leaving me on my own to do whatever I wanted.

For a while, I played Tetris on our old N-64 that we hooked up over the weekend. Then I took a long, hot bubble bath. I had a snack and read for a while. I rested a bit, but couldn’t sleep. And then because I wanted to, not because I had to, I finished up the informational pamphlet I was working on for our PTA. Bored, I called to see where Hub and the kids were. He used the gift certificate we got him for his birthday to buy a rocket, and they were heading to the park. I grabbed the dog and met them there. Of course, we lost the rocket on the third launch, but it was fun just the same.

Hub went home to start dinner, and the kids and I hung around for a few minutes before we walked home. I tried to get a nice picture of the 3 of them and this was the result. Bud refuses to smile in photos these days.

At home, Hub made me fish and roasted broccoli, and they all gave me my gift—a fountain for the garden. After the kids went to bed, Hub brought out super fancy frosted brownies that he’d picked up, and we had those with coffee. I’m in a sugar coma today, but it was really a fantastic day.

I’m pretty sure I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

• I started writing a post earlier in the week about my near-11-year-old cat, Oswald and how he was nearly dead from renal failure, but I deleted it. I didn’t want it to get all crazy cat lady up in here. He was so bad that the vet wanted to hospitalize him to the tune of $1500, which we most definitely didn’t have in our budget. I’ve been giving him iv fluids and meds at home and he’s doing quite well. We don’t know how long it will work, because the damage is permanent and it’s sparked a lot of conversation up in here about how much is too much to do for a cat and how much is too much money to spend just to keep him alive for an undetermined amount of time.
• It occurred to me the other day that I have a little more than a month of lunch packing left for the school year, and I got giddy. Not that I won’t have to make lunch all summer long anyway, but I really hate packing with the individual wrapping and portioning and what have you. I wish these brats would just buy lunch, but they just don’t enjoy school lunch.
• We had Muffins with Mom at school this morning, so I was up, showered and ready to go before 7am which I don’t think has happened even once since I started working from home. Hub had picked up the muffins from the bakery this morning (that’s right..we serve real food and drink at our functions, not a bunch of pre-packaged crap) and left them in my car, so the kids and I dropped them off and set up. I didn’t even have a chance to sit and have a muffin with them, but I don’t think they minded all that much. From there, I took Liv to preschool where we made a Mother’s Day craft together, and later I have ice cream with Bud’s class. By the time we get to actual Mother’s Day, I’ll be wiped out!
• I am in desperate need of a haircut. The lady mullet has grown out and is far from attractive. I’m thinking short. I really liked the short front of the lady mullet, and my face has thinned out a bit so I think I can pull the short hair off again. Haircuts are exciting!

It’s standard operations on blogs like mine. In fact, I’ve already talked about it more than once. You know where I’m going with this, right? The old “will we or won’t we” question. And of course I’m talking about having more babies. I feel sort of like a douchebag even bringing it up again. Honestly, what sort of gall do I have to possibly but probably not but maybe but no I DO NOT but YES I DO but I probably don’t want another baby? The whole thought pattern is annoying even to me, the one who is having the thoughts in the first place.

I had my annual OBGYN visit last week. I love my doctor. When I was about 12 weeks pregnant with Liv, I switched from the practice who delivered my first 2 babies because their founding doctor and my 2 favorite midwives had left leaving a creepy man doctor, and the remaining OB that I’d never liked. I’d had really good experiences with the resident in the hospital who was on hand when I’d delivered both Bud and Lucy, and had heard that she joined a practice so I took a leap of faith and switched. And that doctor was just as great as I’d remembered, but I ended up clicking with another doctor in the practice, and she became my primary OB. She’s fantastic. She gets me. We’ve had some really great conversations, and even when I go more than a year without seeing her, she always remembers me, my big babies, and that I hate birth control even though I’ve tried some things at her suggestion. So yes. Love her.

She’s recently started performing that in office lady sterilization that seems to be getting so popular and is a strong proponent of it. I told her how Hub is terrified of the old snip snip and she wholeheartedly recommended this procedure, should I decide I am ready to take permanent action. And if I’m not, she told me, she would expect to see me back in her office pregnant before Liv goes to Kindergarten. She knows me. She knows my fertility. She doesn’t think my handy dandy app will work forever. So of course I left there with my mind racing and many things to think about.

Here’s the thing: I am reasonably certain that I don’t want to have any more babies. We’ve come so far. Liv is still…well, Liv. I don’t think she’d do well with a younger sibling. Really, I’m mostly ok with being done. And so, I brought all of this up to Hub that very evening.

“Do it.”, he said before the words were even out of my mouth. “ You should get it done.”

There was something about him making this decree, regardless of the context and regardless of me asking his opinion. The second he uttered those words, I went ballistic. As in who the hell do you think you are, to tell me to shut off my babymaker? What happens if you drop dead tomorrow and I meet someone else and want to have his babies? What if what if what if? Of course, this was the very moment Liv picked to parade through the kitchen, pants on the ground, dragging the dog behind her yelling some jib jab at her sister who had scorned her.

“Another one of those”, Hub said.

And really, the answer is no. I don’t want another one of those (nevermind that for as crazy as she makes me I think that Liv’s inappropriate tenacity and difficultness is kind of…charming). But I don’t want to never be able to change my mind. I don’t want the finality. I want to keep my babymaker intact. For now. And I certainly don’t want my husband or anyone telling me what to do with it. So I think that’s what the choice is here, whether I want to shut down the factory and know that it’s over for good or to keep that glimmer somewhat alive.

How do you decide? How do you know when is when? The arbitrary restriction I placed on myself years ago was 35. I don’t want to have any more babies after I am 35. That’s always been my personal cutoff. I’m a year and a half away from my 35th birthday. Is this enough time for me to decide once and for all? Or if I gave myself until then would I feel differently? Would I say to myself “well, I’ll be 35 for a whole 12 months…I still have time!” and then end up putting it off and putting it off until I have a late in life baby at something like age 45 when my other kids are grown?

I just don’t know. If I don’t want to make this decision and I don’t want anyone making it for me, it means I have to keep thinking and thinking about it, mulling the “what ifs.” What if it’s meant to be? But what if it’s not? Ack.

I’ve sort of had this idea for a while now, and between trying to eat right and exercise and keep my life under control, I haven’t had much to write about that is interesting for a while. I made my “100 Facts About Me” list maybe 5 years ago? Wait, I will look! And add the link! Here it is on my old blog! So yes, a little less than 5 years ago. Anyway, as people change over time, I would imagine that some of their facts would change as well. Additionally, some of my facts, as I re-read the list, are not facts at all.

Over the next several weeks, I am going to edit my list in a series of posts. I may elaborate on some things. I may edit some facts so they are currently relevant, and the facts that are not actually facts? I’ll have to come up with something new to replace them with. Should be fun, right? And will be perfect fodder for blogging when I have nothing to say.

So, here it goes!

1. I met my husband on the school bus when I was in 7th grade. (2012 edit—true)
2. I hated his guts. (2012 edit—true)
3. I complained to him about my boyfriend who was a jerk for most of my sophomore year in high school. (2012 edit—that boyfriend was a jerk because he liked drugs more than he liked me. I looooooved him. Like full on I would do anything for him love. I would complain to Hub on the bus because he would listen, but also because he was sort of Boyfriend’s friend and I thought maybe he would talk some sense in to him. He didn’t.)
4. He and I began dating that summer. (2012 edit—yes)
5. Even though we were very young, we kind of knew we were it for each other. (2012 edit—yes)
6. This August will mark 12 years of togetherness for us. (2012 edit—18 years in August—so I guess my math was off on the first list)
7. I have loved to sing for my entire life. (2012 edit—yes)
8. I consider myself to be quite good. (2012 edit—yes)
9. It kills me that I’m not doing anything musical right now. (2012 edit—yes)

Numbers 1-5 are really all part of the same story. All true, and factual in a history book sort of way. But they are not necessarily facts about me. Number 6 is outdated. Again, 7, 8, and 9 tell a factual story, but are generally the same idea. So. Let’s re-write 1-9!

1. When I met Hub on the school bus in 7th grade, I found him to be the most annoying person on the planet. I did not talk to him for nearly 4 years.
2. When Hub and I were invited to the same event by our mutual best friend the summer after my sophomore year, I had immediate and intense feelings for him.
3. We began dating officially at a Woodstock ’94 party when I was 15, and he was 18. August 14th, 1994 is the official day. I know this because these are the things you track in high school.
4. I started singing in choirs and choruses when I was in 2nd grade. I was way too shy in middle/high school to do much of anything else with it.
5. I majored in vocal music in college with plans to be a music teacher, but my nerves and having to do things alone in front of people got in my way, so I quit and pursued English and Business instead.
6. When I started working at my company in 2000, I had absolutely no intentions of making a career out of it. I planned on answering the phones for awhile, while I figured out what the next best thing was. For 12 years I’ve found bigger and better consistently—all at the same company.
7. In my early career, I learned how to talk on the phone and deal with difficult people, which opened the door to training and projects. This sounds like a weird thing to say, but my call center experience changed me profoundly—for the better.
8. That all being said, I still don’t necessarily consider myself to be the most outgoing person. I’m an observer in a lot of situations; the quiet one.
9. Once I know someone though, and am really comfortable, I am sort of the queen of running my mouth. Seriously. Try and stop me.

I have to decide what I want to do about my gym membership. In September I started taking a weekly Zumba class through community education at a local elementary school and I immediately loved it. It’s a full hour of dancing and fun. I work up a sweat. I feel it in my muscles. I actually enjoy exercising for maybe the first time ever. Then in December with a Groupon, I was able to get 12 weeks of classes at another local gym for $20 and I picked up their Zumba class as well so at the very least I’ve been doing Zumba twice a week for the last 3 months—and this class is fantastic. I could not say a single bad thing about it (well…except for the mirrors. I don’t like to see myself do it.). I also belong to the cheapy gym around the corner from us. It’s cheap because they don’t do classes and convenient because it is a 2 minute drive and they open at 5am so I can go before the kids get up. I do that 2-3 mornings a week. We’re at the point now though where I need to decide if I want to do all of it or some of it.

My Groupon ended yesterday, and I think I would like to continue to take this class. Continuing the class would mean getting a full membership at the big-box gym and while doing so is a lot more affordable now then it was 8 or 10 years ago when I originally belonged to such a gym, I don’t know if I want to pay for the full membership. Granted, they have every amenity I could ever want in a gym, but based on their proximity to my house (15 minute drive), I don’t know that I would ever use it for more than the classes. So, I need to decide—is $30 or so bucks a month worth for between 4 and 8 Zumba classes within the same payment timeframe. I also hate the idea of a contract.

I have no intention of stopping the Community Ed. class. It runs in 3 sessions throughout the year, and I do it with friends 1 night a week. It doesn’t happen in the summer.

I don’t really see any reason to cancel the cheap gym membership. Hub and I have some sort of family deal, and we pay something like $22/month total for both of our memberships with no contract. It’s convenient to go when I can, and I don’t feel guilty if I only make it for 30 minutes.

So I guess the only decision is whether or not I want to sign the contract and pay for the big-box gym. I think it could be worth it in terms of happiness with an exercise program. They also have childcare, kids classes for the children of members, and a real bevy of other things (chiropractors, nutritionists etc.).

And if I do decide to do it, I should also decide on a better form of birth control. I swear I get pregnant every time I sign a long term gym contract.

First let me direct you to my original post on this subject. No, we are not talking about an error in lighting. We are talking about a child screaming in her sleep for hours on end. Let me tell you, it is not fun.

The last time this was all going on, we followed the doctor’s advice. We walked her through the house to see what made her nervous. We softened, as hard as it was to do so, on our bedtime routine and now we have something that is more drawn out and relaxed yet still a routine. We had a long talk about Star Wars being just a movie and stopped allowing Bud to watch it when she was in the room. It took some time, but it did work. We’ve been free of errors since mid-December.

It started again the middle of last week though: screaming, thrashing, crying out. Even waking her up did nothing to stop it. I was in her bed with her just trying to get a little bit of sleep. It was awful. We started talking to her Friday, trying to drag out what could be bothering her. Finally on Saturday she started asking all kinds of questions about Leprechauns. Lucy had a minor freak-out the previous weekend when she found her art supplies tipped over in her playroom. She was convinced that there were leprechauns in the house. If they messed up her classroom at school, then they must be here too. She could deal with leprechauns at school, but not at home. This led to a long discussion about leprechauns not being real, and begging a friend to call and say that she was the one who trashed the 1st grade classroom while the kids were outside. In the end Lucy was fine, and Liv seemed to be ok too.

It turns out though, that leprechauns visited Liv’s classroom as well. And if they also made it to the big kid’s school, they must be in our house. We talked and talked and talked about it and eventually convinced Liv that the pre-school director had messed up the classroom when the kids were outside; it was just a joke. Finally, Sunday night Liv slept.

Of course, Hub mentioned nothing of this to anyone at preschool at drop-off yesterday, and Liv came home utterly PISSED because when she told Miss C. that it was Director who messed up the room, and not a leprechaun, Miss C. said that OF COURSE it was a leprechaun! Why would Director mess up the classroom? My teeth nearly hit the floor. I know that we didn’t say anything to the teacher, and maybe she was just trying to further suspend disbelief, but seriously. If a 3-year-old tells you something like this, wouldn’t common sense ring some sort of bell? I just…ugh. Of course, Liv was up all night.

So I had to call the director this morning and explain everything to her. And ask her to please go and tell Liv that it was her, and reassure her that there are no leprechauns. She was more than agreeable, and is even going to show her how they used the green paint to make little foot prints. We’re lucky to have a fantastic relationship with her, and the center and thankfully she cares a lot about Liv.

I’m waiting for the director to email me to tell me how it goes, and then we’ll talk some more when she gets home. I just really hope it works. I am exhausted. She is exhausted. And I really just hate that she processes all of this fear in her sleep when I can’t help her.