Can you even believe it?

I started writing about this surprise pregnancy in November and by this time tomorrow, it will be over. While going by, it was excruciatingly slow, but now it seems to have gone so fast!! It’s crazy!

It all started with me crying hysterically on the day after Thanksgiving, to find a brand new Kitchenaid Mixer in my cupboard. (I maintain that I would have cried over the Kitchenaid regardless of hormones) and Swistle called it even before I did.

There was the nausea.
There were migraines, some of the worst I’ve ever had, and I am a migraine person.
There were the (way too many) jerky outbursts at work. (ok, here at home too)

But also, there were all of you. So many of you who were there for me on a daily basis, so many who laughed and cried right along with me. I don’t know what I would have done without all of you. Honestly—-the majority of you are linked to the left. The personal emails outside of the comments, always knowing the right thing to say…..you guys really are the greatest.

This is what’s different about the internets—I wouldn’t call my best girlfriend and tell her all of this crap day after day. But you guys….you’re here. You listen. Again, the greatest.

So enough of the mush, right? (Trust me, the mush will be gone in approximately 18 hours)

How am I feeling???

PETRIFIED

I think I’d prefer to not know the date our baby would be born. With Bud we went in for our regular appointment and were told ‘he’s huge, today is the day.’ Lucy came on her own early, because, well, she’s Lucy and is full of surprises. Having a for certain expiration date is stressful to a degree that I can not even explain. People who have scheduled c-sections and whatnot….I just don’t know how they deal knowing months in advance what I have known for a week. Hub compares it to knowing the date you are going to die. For real. Just TMI.

But at least I was able to get a good nap in today, knowing full well that I will not sleep for another 2 years (a 3 hour nap will totally offset the 2 years, right?) And at least the kids know exactly what is happening.

There’s no getting out of it now, right?

Wish me luck ok? And if you’re the praying type do that too. I really am freaking out.

I’m hoping to Tweet from the hospital as well as do a mobile post with her stats. Pictures will come later though; I plan on being home sometime on Thursday and who knows when I’ll get on the actual computer.

Much love to you internets. 🙂

~Saly

Oh, hi there! It’s me….the one who could have had her baby yesterday, but panicked and high-tailed it out of the hospital.

We had our portraits done at 3PM yesterday and then I dropped Hub, and the kids off at Tae Kwon Do while I ran over to the bank and the grocery store for dinner. It was raining pretty badly and on my way in to the store I noticed how slippery the bottoms of my flip-flops flt on the painted crosswalk in the parking lot. I made sure to take extra care on my way out, as it was still pouring, but then, out of the blue, I was on the ground on my hands and knees. I’m still not actually sure what happened, but the feeling in my ankle would suggest that somehow it twisted and I lost my balance. A woman ran over to help me up as I was in the middle of the crosswalk, and cars passing by just stared. I was mortified. I insisted I was OK, and let her help me back to my car, where I sat and shook for a few minutes before heading back over to TKD.

It didn’t really occur to me to call the doctor right away, but after being home for a bit, and having had contractions since the time I fell, I decided to call just to see. She was concerned about placental abruption, so suggested that I go in and get checked out. Which I did. The on call doctor was nice, the first man-OB I’ve ever dealt with, but it was no big deal. He checked me out, ran a whole bunch of tests, and I contracted every 5 minutes the entire time. The nurses had told me that since my cervix wasn’t changing from the contractions, they’d probably send me home. I thought I was disappointed.

Hub left for a bit to go set his employee up at a job since I was just laying there anyway, waiting for test results. The doctor, nurse and med student came in soon after all “so, how do YOU feel?? Do you think you’re in labor??? What do you think you want to do????” and so on. It was as if they were saying “We’re not going to say let’s induce right now, but if you say the word, we will.” I told them I felt trapped, and weird and that they were really freaking me out. The doctor said “Bottom line, we can get things going if you want to but who knows how long it will take. If I were you, I would go home, eat something (because I hadn’t) and sleep and see how things play out.” So that’s what I chose to do.

Which is why I’m not complaining about still being pregnant today because it’s my own damn fault.

Aaaanyhoo

I hate our family photos. Actually, I like the way that I look in one of them, but the rest of the family looks like a bunch of dolts. The others, they look OK and I look like death. Lucy was difficult for most of them as evidenced by her fake forced smile, and somehow Bud channeled an old man. We ordered only the family shot of all of us head on, and the one of the kids back to back. The one of us all sideways is the one that I actually like. So here they are in no particular order….

The first time, I was scared of everything. The entire process of labor and delivery, having an epidural, getting an IV for the first time, what if I pooped on the table???. You name it; I was terrified. I knew that labor and delivery was inevidible though I plugged along pretending that it was no big deal. It was no surprise that I had a nervous breakdown upon hearing that I was 5cm and needed to get to the hospital so they could make me contract. Screaming sobbing incoherent breakdown, mind you, and I think that if I had carried on any longer, Hub would have smacked me. Everything happened though. Sure, the 1st IV didn’t take and my vien burst. Sure, they gave me way too much pitocin and I was in agony. Sure, I pushed for 4 hours, so hard that muscles I didn’t even know I had ached. And sure, I ripped, tore and was cut and had a zillion stitches but really, before I knew it, it was over and I was eating the best chicken salad sandwich of my life while my baby boy was being cleaned up and brought to me for the first time.

The second time was not so scary. While I never bought in to (and I still don’t) that crap about “as soon as the baby is out, you forget it all”, at least I knew what to expect. I knew the doctor and midwife, the hospital, the labor and delivery process…..I was golden. Until I went in to labor a whole lot quicker than I’d expected to. Until my body started pushing our baby girl out involuntarily as the epidural was being placed. Until I pushed said baby out with no drugs. Until she was sick and unable to room with me; unable to bond with me….or I with her. Until I went through the worst period of depression I have ever gone through. Until I thought “Oh my God, what if I never love her?” It took 2 months—until she was hospitalized for an infection, and we finally bonded…3 days in the hospital together as it should have been to begin with. And indeed, everything was just fine.

This time, has been scary. It’s definitely the hardest pregnancy I’ve endured. I worry about her blood sugar and being seperated from her in the hospital. I worry about our change in family dynamic; mostly the impact of changing Lucy from baby to middle child. I worry about the possibility of a c-section, and recovery. I worry about being responsible for 3 young children and I wonder how I will ever do it. The time….the money….the energy. It will be fine though, right? We’ll make it through just as we did before? We will, right?

Tomorrow we will be going for a family portrait; the four of us for the very last time. And within the next six days, our family will change–a new baby girl. Taking us from four to five. Changing all of our lives forever.

For the better.

I noticed a really big difference in procedure on Friday, when comparing my new(er) OBGYN to the one who delivered Bud and Lucy. We were discussing how big Olivia currently is, and how I pushed with Bud for 4 hours and ended up needing a vacuum to get him out. To say that my current doctor was horrified was an understatement. Old practice was a very holistic doctor and 2 midwives (all of whom have left which is why I left) and new practice is 3 youngish (30-40) straight up doctors. Current doctor let me know in no uncertain terms that in the case of Bud, she would have performed a c-section with no questions asked AND in the case of Olivia, the second she has a concern, a c-section it will be. My feelings? I’ve already pushed out 2 9-10lb babies, one with no epidural, and the largest one was posterior. Unless she is breech or in distress, there will be no c-section. (Even if it does mean that I get to stay in the hospital longer)

We had a busy weekend, and I can say with 98% certainty that we are ready for the baby. Bassinet and car seat are set. We bought diapers yesterday ($37 for 216 size 1 diapers= $.17 a piece. Am I really that tied to Pampers Swaddlers?? I am.) and the house is reasonably clean. Regardless of anything, no matter what, in one week and one day, we will have a new baby.

Hub and I discussed the difference in knowing when you are having the baby vs. not knowing. His biggest disappointment? No action shot of me before we leave for the hospital. I thought about showing them to you….but they are not good. So just imagine me post nervous breakdown upon hearing that I was 5cm and must go be induced for Bud and then in hardcore active labor with Lucy, standing in the kitchen, sweaty and sullen at 3AM.

As much as I have been miserable, I am going to miss feeling this baby girl wiggling around in my belly. I’m trying to remember that and be positive in this last week. I can’t believe this has been going on since November….and now we’re here.