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Le Sigh

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I set the alarm for 5:30 this morning, but the baby started fussing at about 5:12. I shoved the pacifier in her mouth, holding her over until 5:23, when I plucked her, screaming and hungry from her bed. She ate lazily, as always, and barely woke up when I changed her diaper, but did latch back on and eat a bit more before I put her in the swing so I could shower. By the time I was out, the clock was nearing 7:30 and it was time to get the big kids up and fed. They were cooperative enough, and we only got out of here about 5 minutes after I had planned.

Today was Olivia’s first day at daycare.

You wouldn’t think that there would be a ton of anxiety, considering she is my third child, but it was no easier for me than it ever was. She has been with me every waking moment since her conception last November, save for a few runs to the store or to take the kids to school. And today, I was to hand her over to someone else. And come home, no less, since we had to start her this week or forfiet her spot and I don’t go back to work Monday.

“It will be great!”, I thought, “I can get used to leaving her without the pressures of work.” It wasn’t great. I kept it together though and didn’t cry as I went through th instructions with her caregiver, who is the mother of one of Lucy’s classmates, and her assistant, Lupe, who seemed nice enough–but I’m not so sure she speaks much english.

I was fine. I stopped and got a coffee and came home to work on some paperwork for Hub, pump, and take a nap.

I was fine.

Until I realized that in all of my explaining, I didn’t kiss the baby goodbye. I handed her off, talked a bunch, and left. So here I am typing, in tears, fighting every urge to go back up there just to kiss my baby girl goodbye. She wasn’t going to realize I was gone anyway, but how could I forget?

So much for thinking that this would be easier. It actually kind of sucks. A lot.

She, Lucy and I are spending tomorrow with my best girlfriend, her 3-year old daughter and her 4-month old daughter. It will be a nice break until I take her back on Friday. And tonight, I don’t plan on putting her down. I need my fill of her soft baby face and smell. I feel like I need to suck it all in; that she might somehow lose it while I’m not with her.

It’s funny, isn’t it, that a few short months ago I was wondering what she would do to our lives? Our dynamic? How we would love her as much as Bud and Lucy? And now, away from her for the first time, those feelings are foreign. It’s like she has always been here and we’ve always loved her.

In any case, I sure do miss her. And I’m glad I can pipe in and watch her all day on the computer. It’s clear that I am getting no work done today, right?

9 responses »

  1. “It’s like she’s always been here and we’ve always loved her.”Exactly. Hugs to you, Mama.

    Reply
  2. Aww, what a trying thing. I’m sure it’s hard being home without her. But it’s great that you can watch her online. And I bet you can use these few days to get a lot done. Take it easy and relax a bit. And I love the idea of holding all evening. I’m sure you’ll both love that.

    Reply
  3. Awww. This post is a total tearjerker. But now that you remember, you can make sure to kiss her goodbye all the other days.

    Reply
  4. Um, this might sound totally freakish and insensitive…but why couldn’t you just PAY to keep the spot, but keep the baby at home with you. What do they care if her scrumptious little self is there or not. They are still making the money.Or do you have some sort of glorious daycare that doesn’t charge you if the kid is not actually there?

    Reply
  5. I forgot to kiss the Aidan goodbye on his first day too, and felt horrible. But like you said, I was so busy explaining. . . Do you put Olivia down while she’s still awake? We aren’t putting Aidan in bed until he’s already asleep, but I’m wondering when we should start putting him in before he’s sound asleep so he can get used to that sort of thing. . . when do people start doing that?

    Reply
  6. I wouldn’t imagine it would ever get easier. 😦

    Reply
  7. Sending hugs. I haven’t put someone in daycare in many years now. I hope it gets easier. Give her loads of hugs and kisses.

    Reply
  8. Ug, I’m sorry, those awful, sad, leaving-the-baby feelings!I think it’s so bizarre, too, the way BEFORE a baby is born I’m so worried how they’ll fit into our family, and AFTER the baby is born I’m freaking out thinking of how we could have lived as a family without them!

    Reply
  9. I still get all sad dropping everyone off in the morning. We totally paid to keep our spot and I didn’t take Bea in for the same reasons. Enjoy your hugs and kisses and cuddling tonight! It’s always the best part of my day when we all get home . . .

    Reply

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