I could bore you with countless tales of how sick our family continues to be, or the fact that my OTHER eye is now infected. But honestly, I am sick of talking about it. You’re probably sick of hearing about it too.

Thankfuly, today is Delurking Day!

So please use today to tell me you are here! I need a pickmeup! If you can’t think of anything to say, tell me about your breakfast this morning.

Mine was standard–a large coffee from Dunkin and reduced sugar oatmeal.

Ok, go forth and comment!!

I made it to the (crappy) home computer, and now it just seems like there is so much to write and not enough time to do it. Christmas was drama filled, but good for the kiddos. Things are good right now. I’ve been on vacation for 10 days and am exhausted. The baby has learned how to get really pissed off, which is fun….or not. Lucy has been pretty sick, but seems to be better today, and Bud has an issue with sneaking junk food when we aren’t looking. I need a Valium or something.

So here are some Christmas photos with an empty promise of posting something real at some point this week. Or the 2008 year end survey meme. Or whatever the hell I feel like doing.

Failed Christmas Card Attempts, and then the actual snowy one

Liv gets a taste of cookies:

Christmas Morning (Lucy’s Cabbage Patch Doll (Roseanna)looks just like the one I had as a kid. And yes, they are all in matching jammies. SHUT IT!)

Lucy makes a good Snow White, huh? Also, Liv enjoyed her 1st Christmas.

Win this great Evenflow Car Seat!!!

But don’t really go enter because I :SO: need this for Liv!!

Today started at 1:42 AM, thank you very much. Lucy had wet the bed, for the second time in her life, and was very upset about it. So there was half asleep sheet and clothes changing and cleaning up before it was decided that she would just come back to bed with Hub and me. Lucy contorts herself in an odd fashion when she sleeps, so Hub had her feet in his face for a while, and I had her bony elbows. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well, and I am pretty exhausted.

I’ve felt like I’m in a funk all week so far. It’s grey, dreary and cold. I dread driving home from in the dark where it’s easy to get caught up in negative thoughts or scary “what if” scenarios. By the time I get home, I am physically and emotionally drained. And then there is dinner, baths and laundry to deal with……

I’ve been making it to bed by 11:30 or so and can barely drag myself out of bed in time to shower and start a bottle for the baby before we leave. I’ve worn jeans and sweaters to work every day this week because the thought of stockings and heels seems too overwhelming. It is typically frowned upon to see management in jeans all the time, but everyone is so wrapped up in their own crap that they haven’t noticed.

I’m hoping that I’m just adjusting to the winter weather and time change, you know? I want to be curled up under blankets on the couch all the time, drinking cocoa with loads of whipped cream watching TV or reading books, and clearly, that is not an option.

We do have something fun planned for this weekend though, which involves a trip in to Rochester for a birthday party, and then driving out to Syracuse for dinner and “Lights on the Lake” which is a drive-thru light display at a state park. We are also taking the kids to pick out their Christmas ornaments on Friday night.

Hopefully the fun filled holiday activity will snap me out of it, but until then, today can suck it.

So, everyone had a busy weekend, huh? We spent Thanksgiving with my parents this year, and then I cooked at home on Friday. BIL, niece, and MIL came over and it was a nice time. I love turkey sandwiches.

The baby turned 4 months old on Saturday and had her regular 4-month checkup. It went well; she weighs 15 lbs and is 26 inches long which explains why her toes are trying to poke out of all of her jammies. When I spoke with the doctor about her spitting up, she decided that it was not just “normal” because of it’s frequency—she spit up 4 times while we were in the office alone—and prescribed Zantac. She gets a teeny tiny baby dose twice a day. I’ve seen no results so far, but the doctor said it could take up to 2 weeks. She seems to hate the taste of it though, which is peppermint. And if I were a baby, I might not like peppermint either. We got the go ahead to start solids, but if I’m being honest, she’s been getting cereal for about a month already, and we started fruits about a week ago. So far, she’s had applesauce and bananas and she loves them. We have one more day of applesauce and then I think I’m going to do squash. I’m glad she’s a good eater.

I thought of Sarah when we were there because the nurse said “so she’s rolling……” as if it were a fact, not a question. And when I said no, she looked alarmed and said “not even one way??” No, not even one way. Then she told me that I needed to put her on her tummy more often. To which I replied that this is my third baby, and I’m pretty sure that 1. I know what I’m doing and 2. she’ll roll when she’s ready. Er…emmm…except that I didn’t. But I totally cursed her out in my head though my lips just made a straight pressed line on the outside. She really wants to roll but her chubby legs seem to prevent her from doing so. I’m not worried about it.

We spent all day with the Christmas decorations yesterday and it was probably the least fun I’ve had in years. The kids were just on my last freaking nerve the whole time. Bud broke 2 ornaments and Lucy was overly whiny. Hub, who was putting up the outside stuff, checked to see how things were going at one point and all that I could say was that I needed a drink. STAT. I finally shipped the kiddos down in to the basement and finished it myself. You can tell how tall the kids are because the ornaments on the top half of the tree are sparse……but it looks good. And we only had to tell Bud to get out from under the tree one time…

And today I am at work. I am here for the next 3 weeks and then I am off for 2. I hope the time flies!!!

Ugh. Weaning is a huge bitch. More so than it has ever been before because I was not necessarily ready to do it. It appears that Liv is a bit tongue tied and it’s amazing that she lasted this long, if by lasting, you mean thrashing angrily around while she sucked, spitting and sputtering through at least 50% of her feedings for the last 16 weeks. I tried the pumping route, and sadly the more that I pumped and the less that she nursed, the less milk was coming out. So, I started the process of taking her completely off last Friday and here we are. The 1st few days were so excruciating that I forced her to nurse when she really didn’t want to. The official last time was Sunday morning. With the other 2, weaning was a lot more spread out, so I never experienced any pain. This time though is total suckage in the pain department. But I think I’ve made it through the hardest part and we move on.

Of course, I am dealing with the emotions. I am SO! EMOTIONAL! I know it’s not my fault and it’s not the baby’s fault but I hate that we aren’t doing it. What if she truly is my last baby? What if this was my last chance ever? I feel like this was a colossal FAIL. Like maybe if we both just worked a little bit harder……… But then I know how hard we did both try. And it didn’t work. She got the benefit of breastfeeding for 16 weeks and I should feel good about that. (but I don’t)

The emotions are getting me elsewhere too. I was changing over the picture frames on my desk to put up the kids’ school photos, and I came across these behind the last batch of photos that I had in there:

My babies. And soon I will be wistful for this baby. Wah.

I was going to make this a post all about birth control. And how I know that I don’t do well with hormones coursing through my system. And how I should have remembered this before even trying the mini-pill and then the Nuva Ring. And how despite the adds about how comfy the ring is, it is SO not (this perhaps has something to do with having pushed out 3 giant heads, but whatev). Instead, I will say that I am giving up on birth control. There was a reason why I abandoned it as soon as Hub and I were married and I will never go back. Why should I continue to put my body through hell. I have had the babies and my body has had enough. Hub can deal with the birth control from now on. And when it comes time, he can get the good old snip. I’m not ready to make that commitment yet, so we’ll do what we did before. ‘Nuff said.

We didn’t have any plans this weekend, but we were ridiculously busy around the house. We finally moved all of our stuff in to the kitchen; you know, the stuff we got for our wedding but haven’t had room for these last 6 years. I organized and got rid of a ton of Tupperware and went through our junk drawer. I used some leftover Tupperware in that drawer to separate things like pens and corn cob holders etc. This was a cue from LoriD and a total penicillin area for us. I feel accomplished and really good about this kitchen. My last project is our small cupboard that I want dedicated to the baby’s food. Right now it is a random mishmash of crap, with formula and bottle liners on the bottom shelf. I’m still working on that one.

You may have noticed that I crapped out on NaBloPoMo and also my 30 Years in 30 Days series. I suck, I know.

I was thinking though, based on my post from Friday that I might start a second blog relating to my becoming healthy. Some of you expressed interest in us possibly motivating each other. Would anyone be interested in posting to this new blog with me? No time commitments or posting requirement or the pressure to say “I weigh xxx lbs”, but just something out there to say we are in this together; we are trying to change for the better? Let me know, ok? I am going to start the blog regardless.

And on that note, I am back to work! I need to try and get out of here early because The Bills play tonight and I don’t want to get stuck in tailgating traffic.

So I went to the doctor yesterday and here is the good news—I’ve lost 5lbs! The bad news is that my clothes still don’t fit. I have been increasingly disgusted with the way that I look lately. Yes, I have had 3 kids. Yes, I have a thyroid disorder and have almost no metabolism. I don’t feel like this is a sufficient excuse for looking this way though; for feeling this way. I’ve been able to deal with the weight gain in the past; but now looking at my face, and how fat it looks, I can’t even deal. Yes, I hate the way I look.

So what do I do about it?

The obvious answer is to exercise and eat better. The obvious problem is that I am ridiculously lazy. I have good intentions of getting up and exercising in the morning. I have good intentions of eating a healthy breakfast. And then, I just don’t. Because the other options are more convenient.

How exactly do I break this cycle?

After Lucy was born, I started going to the gym at 5am, at least 3 days a week. It worked out well and I made good progress. I’ve since cancelled my gym membership because once the nice weather started up again, I stopped going. I told myself “why the hell bother??” since I knew we wanted to have another baby anyway.

What is the convenient and painless way to lose weight? In order for it to work do I need to go all gung ho kamikaze on it?

So here I am faced with the facts:

• I look terrible
• I feel terrible about myself
• I am running out of excuses
• In the past 15 years, I have almost doubled my weight
• If I ran in to someone who I haven’t seen since high school, I would be embarrassed.

It’s apparent that something needs to be done. I need to kick myself in the ass and get moving here. I want to be healthy. I want to look better. I want to feel better about myself. (honestly, I wouldn’t mind being considered a MILF…lol)

I just need to know HOW!

I’m feeling kind of down in the dumps lately. I guess not for any particular reason, but due in part to Hub stating repeatedly that he would like to get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement; that he doesn’t want to have another baby. I understand where he’s coming from, really, I do. I’m not even sure that I really want another one. I think that I’m more in love with the idea of one, a warm cuddly baby, sleeping and nursing, and growing. Another warm weight sleeping on my chest for 12-18 months. It’s the idea of another baby for sure, because I am not over the moon when I think of a 4th toddler running around. I think though, that if I knew how Hub felt before, I would have behaved differently during my pregnancy. I would have maybe accepted the suckiness more, since it was the final time. I would have paid attention to all the things that are great about carrying a baby. The glimmer of hope I see in Hub’s eyes though, when I am caught snuggling the baby for a bit too long though, and I say to him half joking “Well, if she’s my last one, I have to make it last”, is a bit too much for me to bear. And so that’s part of the reason why I am down. And why I think I am going to make a 5 year commitment to Mirena tomorrow. Even though the completely irrational part of my brain is screaming “Baybeee!! Baybeee!!!”

I wonder though, if even after a 4th, the desire would go away. Something tells me that it wouldn’t. And every woman at some point has to make her peace with “being done”. I clearly haven’t made my peace yet. So maybe, having the Mirena for 5 years will kill the desire. Maybe the kids will be so grown, at ages 10, 8 and 5 that I will be ok with not going back to the baby stages. Of course thinking of Bud, Lucy and Liv as 10, 8, and 5 makes me just as sad as thinking about never having another. Bud, Lucy and Liv without even a shred of their babyhood left. My sweet babies as grown kids. Kids who won’t want to sleep in my bed, or snuggle on my lap, or even be in the same room as me most of the time.

This is just unacceptable. Can time just stop for a while? Can I maybe remember all of this when I am frustrated because they won’t listen, won’t get dressed or brush their teeth, when they are just being kids? It’s already starting to happen with Bud, who will be 5 in just 6 weeks. 5. My God. Sometimes I feel like I am living his babyhood again, because Liv is just so much like him, and then I look up and see this big kid who is SO not a baby. And it’s like a punch in the gut.

That’s it. Time needs to stop. Otherwise, I just need to keep having babies.

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