So I went to the doctor yesterday and here is the good news—I’ve lost 5lbs! The bad news is that my clothes still don’t fit. I have been increasingly disgusted with the way that I look lately. Yes, I have had 3 kids. Yes, I have a thyroid disorder and have almost no metabolism. I don’t feel like this is a sufficient excuse for looking this way though; for feeling this way. I’ve been able to deal with the weight gain in the past; but now looking at my face, and how fat it looks, I can’t even deal. Yes, I hate the way I look.

So what do I do about it?

The obvious answer is to exercise and eat better. The obvious problem is that I am ridiculously lazy. I have good intentions of getting up and exercising in the morning. I have good intentions of eating a healthy breakfast. And then, I just don’t. Because the other options are more convenient.

How exactly do I break this cycle?

After Lucy was born, I started going to the gym at 5am, at least 3 days a week. It worked out well and I made good progress. I’ve since cancelled my gym membership because once the nice weather started up again, I stopped going. I told myself “why the hell bother??” since I knew we wanted to have another baby anyway.

What is the convenient and painless way to lose weight? In order for it to work do I need to go all gung ho kamikaze on it?

So here I am faced with the facts:

• I look terrible
• I feel terrible about myself
• I am running out of excuses
• In the past 15 years, I have almost doubled my weight
• If I ran in to someone who I haven’t seen since high school, I would be embarrassed.

It’s apparent that something needs to be done. I need to kick myself in the ass and get moving here. I want to be healthy. I want to look better. I want to feel better about myself. (honestly, I wouldn’t mind being considered a MILF…lol)

I just need to know HOW!

I’m feeling kind of down in the dumps lately. I guess not for any particular reason, but due in part to Hub stating repeatedly that he would like to get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement; that he doesn’t want to have another baby. I understand where he’s coming from, really, I do. I’m not even sure that I really want another one. I think that I’m more in love with the idea of one, a warm cuddly baby, sleeping and nursing, and growing. Another warm weight sleeping on my chest for 12-18 months. It’s the idea of another baby for sure, because I am not over the moon when I think of a 4th toddler running around. I think though, that if I knew how Hub felt before, I would have behaved differently during my pregnancy. I would have maybe accepted the suckiness more, since it was the final time. I would have paid attention to all the things that are great about carrying a baby. The glimmer of hope I see in Hub’s eyes though, when I am caught snuggling the baby for a bit too long though, and I say to him half joking “Well, if she’s my last one, I have to make it last”, is a bit too much for me to bear. And so that’s part of the reason why I am down. And why I think I am going to make a 5 year commitment to Mirena tomorrow. Even though the completely irrational part of my brain is screaming “Baybeee!! Baybeee!!!”

I wonder though, if even after a 4th, the desire would go away. Something tells me that it wouldn’t. And every woman at some point has to make her peace with “being done”. I clearly haven’t made my peace yet. So maybe, having the Mirena for 5 years will kill the desire. Maybe the kids will be so grown, at ages 10, 8 and 5 that I will be ok with not going back to the baby stages. Of course thinking of Bud, Lucy and Liv as 10, 8, and 5 makes me just as sad as thinking about never having another. Bud, Lucy and Liv without even a shred of their babyhood left. My sweet babies as grown kids. Kids who won’t want to sleep in my bed, or snuggle on my lap, or even be in the same room as me most of the time.

This is just unacceptable. Can time just stop for a while? Can I maybe remember all of this when I am frustrated because they won’t listen, won’t get dressed or brush their teeth, when they are just being kids? It’s already starting to happen with Bud, who will be 5 in just 6 weeks. 5. My God. Sometimes I feel like I am living his babyhood again, because Liv is just so much like him, and then I look up and see this big kid who is SO not a baby. And it’s like a punch in the gut.

That’s it. Time needs to stop. Otherwise, I just need to keep having babies.

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Contrary to popular belief, I am actually posting this month, other than my NaBloPoMo stuff. Here are just some of the things I have going on:

1. Bud had his recital and we trick or treated on Friday. Fun was had by all and no, I have not yet uploaded photos. I will though. Minnie Mouse, Cinderella and Bumblebee were super cute.
2. Bud is not doing well without wearing a pull up at night. I am at a loss as to what to do—the theory was to give him 2 weeks of sleeping in pee soaked clothes and he would train himself to get up—because who wants to sleep in a cold, wet bed. Apparently, he does. Nothing wakes this kid up. Then, this morning, he was staring off in to space in the living room as I was telling him to get his wet clothes off. He looks at me and tells me he was just finishing peeing. He wasn’t still asleep or anything like that; he blatantly peed in his already wet clothes. Hub talked to the doctor today, since the big kids had their flu shots, and she told him we were doing the right thing and to let it keep going and by no means should we put him back in pull ups. I’m tired of washing sheets though, that is for sure. I am at a loss.
3. Liv laughs all the time. It is the greatest sound in the world.
4. When I asked Lucy today why she kept growing; why sh wasn’t my baby anymore she told me it was because she needed to grow big and be a mom. She can’t wait to be a mom just like me. And it warms my heart.
5. I VOTED!!
6. I need to get something off of my chest but I’m not sure that I want to write about it. I’m having a really hard time right now, not knowing how to deal with a certain situation. I’m struggling. This is a situation that used to affect my life on a daily basis, that has recently reared it’s ugly head again. And while it has far less of an impact on me now, I am aware of this “situation” and am being worn down by it. (Cryptic much???) I don’t know. I probably just need to write about it and be done with it, and feel better. It’s tough. Sometimes I hate being a grown up.
7. And now I’m going home!