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Doing Something About It

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It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like myself. I mean, a really long time.

I was kind of getting back to me before I got pregnant with the twins.  I was enjoying life, and felt balanced between work and home. I got involved at the kids’ school and made friends. I was exercising and I was actually enjoying it. This isn’t to say that the gestating and birth of the twins ruined me by any means, but I have felt a bit set back, stretched thin, frazzled, anxious and definitely not the person I want to be. I discovered recently that a good chunk of feeling this way had to do with letting my thyroid meds lapse.  I was super foggy and sluggish and it was impacting every aspect of my life. I’ve gotten that under control, and am 5 weeks in to re-medicating and I feel a lot better.  I’m functioning like a human again. Remembering to do the simple tasks that I couldn’t focus on before and thinking clearly.

And this has been great. I’m organized and getting things done and still having time left over for some fun, but I’m not quite there yet. I’ve been thinking a lot about last summer, how I went on a “diet” which basically eliminated gluten and dairy from my life, and how I can’t remember the last time I felt that good.  And I began beating myself up because, why, if I was feeling so great last year, would I start putting all of the things that make me feel so terrible back in to my body.  And let’s not even get started on my body image, and how badly I feel about the way that I look. That’s sort of secondary to wanting to be healthy, but it is still something I struggle with. I don’t want to be a MILF, per se, but I do want to look as if I haven’t completely given up and it’s hard to do that when for all intents and purposes, I have.

I originally gained a bulk of weight due to a long misdiagnosed auto-immune disorder that gave me a severely underactive thyroid. Once diagnosed and medicated, some of the weight came off but I had to work really hard at it. Then I got married and started having babies, and basically said “fuck it.” It is so much easier to eat what I want when I want it. To not have to worry about willpower. To be one of those people who says “I may be fat, but I’m happy!” I’ve been on health kicks before, but they always fall by the wayside when something better (for example, cake) comes along. I’ve talked myself out of it a million times–I’m actually pretty healthy. I have low blood pressure and great cholesterol numbers. I exercise some–not enough, but some, and this is probably the only reason that I don’t weigh double what I do now. The problem is that I cannot stop shoving crap in my mouth, which starts a cycle of me feeling badly in both my mind and my actual gut. I almost always regret the junk I eat within minutes, but of course, the damage is already done at that point. So I eat more. And it doesn’t stop. Ever.

What I want is for food to stop consuming my life. I want to be able to have a slice of cake on occasion and not be tempted to eat the whole cake. I’d like to go to the grocery store and not be consumed with what treat I’m going to buy myself. I’ve thought a lot about it, and have decided to get some professional help. This is very much a mental thing for me; something I’m never going to get past by just dieting on my own.

Ed has a friend who runs a weight loss clinic. He was on one of their programs when I was pregnant with the twins and had a lot of success. I’ve tried being accountable to myself and it hasn’t worked. I’ve tried to do it on my own for the better part of 15 years. I can’t do it. So, starting on Monday, for the span of 12 weeks, I will have someone telling me what I can eat and when I can eat it. I’ll be checking in with her daily and meeting face to face weekly.  I don’t think that it’s going to be easy. In fact, I’m kind of nervous about it. What will I do when I can’t eat my feelings?

I have to keep a daily journal as part of the program, so I’m considering blogging the whole thing–probably not here but in a different space. I’ll share that link if it happens. In the meantime, I’m going to do my best to not binge eat this weekend. I was going to end this by saying “Wish me luck!”, but I don’t think I need luck. I need strength, and maybe just some love. I want to be a better me–for my kids and for my husband. And for me too. I really hope I can do it.


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So, I told you guys I would write about my resolutions sometime near February, right? And well basically I was foaming at the mouth to write my very first post with my new laptop. So, we both win right? Because I am sure you were waiting with baited breath.


My resolution for 2010 is actually pretty simple: to take care of me. I’ve been in the business of having and rearing children for 6 years now, and save for a brief stint at the gym when Lucy was about 18-months-old, I’ve basically let myself go to hell, mind, body and soul.

I am not looking at it from the perspective of ‘I must lose weight’, even though I am ridiculously unhappy with the way that I look. Every time I get on a losing weight sort of kick though, it just blows up in my face in a crash and burn sort of way. So instead, I’m focusing on the health aspect. Hub and I joined a gym (new to our area ans as of yet not opened) and I’ve made a few doctor’s appointments–dermatologist and obgyn. I’m trying not to stuff my piehole with junk 24/7. It is a slow process and I don’t have any visions of wearing a bikini come summer. But I do have a vision of playing in the yard with my kids and not feeling like my heart is going to pound right through my chest.

It’s hard to care about your appearance when you don’t feel good about yourself, but I am trying there as well. Actually doing something with my hair; possibly some makeup. Get my eyebrows done, maybe a pedicure or two and a massage here and there. Nothing extravagant, but I want to show myself that I care, and that it’s ok to care about me once in a while.

Finally, I’ve been watching a lot less TV, and have been listening to music at home, letting lose and singing. I’m going to try and read more as well; the goal being one book a month, though January is almost over and we haven’t even come close. I have at least 10 books on my shelf that I have bought with good intention to read, and have pushed them off over and over again to veg in front of the TV, or just go to bed early.

So there you have it, 2010 is the year of me, and trying to get back a small piece of the person I was prior to 2004. I’ll let you know how it goes.


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Ok, Carrie tagged me, so here it goes!!

The rules are as follows:
# Link to the person who tagged you
# Post the rules on your blog.
# Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
# Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
# Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.

1. I am overly freaked out by feet—to a ridiculous extent. It took me years to be able to even touch my husband’s feet, and even now, seeing him barefoot, disgusts me. True story: a friend and I went to a new health club downtown (a few years ago) and took a tae bo-type class upstairs and then headed downstairs where we had signed up for a free martial arts lesson. When I saw all of the naked feet on the mat, I had a panic attack and could not go through with the class. What was worse was that I had to cross the mat with the naked feet in order to leave the building. It was horrifying and I am truly scarred for life from that one. (The exception to my foot issue is my kid’s feet—I have no problem with them at all.)
2. I am mildly obsessive compulsive about a couple of things in my life but none more so than my alarm clock which I obsessively set and reset no fewer than 6 times before bed. It goes a little something like this: set, view to see that time was set correctly, double check to make sure alarm is set to AM and clock shows it is currently PM, turn the alarm off, click it back on and repeat the entire process. Yeah.
3. I can not handle any type opf repetitive noise (think someone tapping their pencil or clicking their pen—or better yet the dinging in your car when you forget your keys or leave your lights on; even the microwave beeping at the end KILLS ME) OR any sort of repetitive blinking (think the light on the answering machine). It seriously takes me over the edge. I may have some sort of mild sensory integration disorder.
4. When I was a kid, I used to practice smiling in the mirror so that I would always look great in photos. Seriously. (It was time well spent though, my wedding photos being proof)
5. I loathe board games and puzzles. The thought of sitting down and going through the motions of any board game, especially monopoly, is worse to me than having to peel off my fingernails one by one. This carries over to all of those crappy kids board games too. (I’m talking to YOU Chutes and Ladders!!!) They actually make me feel claustrophobic and confined—like I’m in a straight jacket. There is one exception though, and it is Scrabble. I love it!!
6. I will only eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese if it is doused in ketchup. If you haven’t tried it, you should!
7. I pretend to be pretty outgoing—especially at work, but typically I feel out of place and somewhat retarded in social situations. I can always be counted on to say the wrong thing in an awkward moment. In fact, I often create awkward moments.

Umm, here is who I tag:



Shelly (if she hasn’t been killed by a rogue realtor)


Mom of the Year


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I’m coming to terms with the fact that this may very well be my last pregnancy. As much as I’ve always said that I wanted to have 4 kids, thinking about having another one when I am over 30—-it just doesn’t seem possible.

It may be premature to have these kinds of thoughts; I get that. The baby isn’t even here yet; I know. Still, I’m operating on the assumption that this is my last, and I’m taking advice from Misty, who said in one of my comments that she’s pretty sure her next pregnancy will be her last, and that she is going to spoil herself.

That being said, I am going for it and I am spending the $30 on this cute skirt from Old Navy (ok, it is not on their website anymore, but I I find it again, I will show you), even though I wouldn’t spend $30 on a non-maternity skirt. I’m spending all of my Christmas gift cards on cute maternity clothes despite the fact that I already have a shit-load from the last two times. And I am buying the things I want for this baby, which will include a fancy sling and a bumbo.


In other baby news, I am feeling really strong girl vibes. This is kind of hard, because with CA, I really wanted a girl, since we already had a boy. Now, as we have one of each, I don’t have any preferences, per se, but I have been weighing the pros and cons of each. I’m not really sure how I feel about myself doing that, like in some aspects it would be better to have a boy (I love that CA is our little princess, boys seem to be easier) but in others it seems like having a girl (ED is such a mama’s boy, I have SO MANY girl’s clothes) would be better. Is this normal? I think generally, I don’t care. But if you ask me what I want on any given day, my response will change. It should be just over a month before we find out for sure anyway. (YAY!)

Tomorrow is official Mommy and CA day since Hub and ED are going to the monster truck rally (yawn). As long as I can borrow FIL’s car, we will shop and go have something for dinner and have a fun girl’s day. I’m excited; it’s nice to get to spend solid one-on-one time with each of them once in a while. Sunday, my cousin’s baby is being baptized, so we’ll be doing that. This will be the first time we’ve seen anyone from my dad’s family since our pregnancy announcement, so let’s see how this all goes. All of my cousins have stopped with 2 kids.

And now, I’ve ordered some manicotti for lunch, so I am off. Happy weekend to you all!

Reminds me of "Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie"

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I took a fancy test today at the urging of blacksheeped that kind of analyzes your personality. It came back that I am an ISFP or Introvert Sensing Feeling Perceiving. The site gives a brief description, but I googled ISFP and came up with this description, which I will copy below. It’s interesting to see how things really do apply to me. I am the type of person who sits back and takes things in before reacting or more likely deciding whether reaction is even necessary. I keep a lot to myself. I think that’s why I like blogging so much, because I say things that I normally wouldn’t.

Ok, so here is the description, and I have removed the items that do not apply to me and have bolded the things that are just SOOOO me. You can see the full description at the above link.

The Artist
As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they’re living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal.
ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people’s sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.
ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They’re likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They’re original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don’t know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.
ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are “doers”, and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a “hands-on” environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.
ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others. (I COULD TRPLE BOLD THIS ONE)
ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.
ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people’s needs for the same.
The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.
The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.

It’s interesting, right?

Happy 100th Entry To Me— Your Questions Answered

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For my Hundredth entry, I asked for my readers (all 5 of them) to ask me anything they wanted to know. Thanks to everyone who asked me questions, this was really fun!!

LoriD asked

Have you always lived in Buffalo or are you just drawn to the lake effect snow?

Yes, I have always lived in and around Buffalo. First of course, because this is where my parents chose to live, but as an adult, because we actually like it here. I don’t mind the cold or the snow (much) at all. We have great weather most of the year—it’s been in the 80’s up until today. The only thing that really bothers me is not being able to park on the street from November ‘til March. I’m a FREAK, (I know!!!) but I love to drive in the snow. And secretly, during our EPIC October storm last year, you know, the one where we lost power for 4 days….I had a blast. We pulled our mattress in to the living room and all slept there huddled around each other, lit the stove with matches, ate dinner, slept and even showered by candlelight….and when I needed sanity, we just drove down to Butler, PA to see my brother and SIL. I guess what I’m saying is even when it is really bad, I don’t really mind.

Tessie said “I want to know what you were like as a kid.”

I was extremely talkative (can you believe it?) and from what I understand talked at a very early age. I was also overly sensitive, to an extreme that I have never seen on any other child. You couldn’t even look at me the wrong way or I would burst in to tears. And forget trying to joke with me about anything. This, of course got better as I got older. I’ve loved to sing for as long as I can remember, and have vivid memories of sitting in my bedroom, singing at the top of my lungs.

Mommy Daisy asked:

What kind of work do you do?

I work for one of the largest banks in the world, in the mortgage department. I manage 17 associates who handle escalated issues that regular customer service associates can not handle. In addition, my group is responsible for paying, or not paying as it may be, claims for a high profile mortgage campaign we are running. This gets sticky, because once they say no, I’m the next step. I’ve had call for action news reporters from all over the country call me to try and make things right for concerned citizens. I run several projects and initiatives and represent our area in planning of associate activities—you know to make them feel valued (barf) On top of all of this, I also record my company’s automated system. (Welcome to Big Bank! To continue in English, press 1) You wouldn’t think this was a daily job, but things come up every day where we need to make changes or fixes. One of my favorites is “Due to inclement weather in the Buffalo area, our center is closed today.” The worst part was recording every number through 99 along with hundred, thousand, million, billion, and all of the letters. The recording though, is my favorite thing about my job.

Is that what you’d really like to do?

In a nutshell, no. I’m very good at what I do and that does make my work enjoyable- This is what allows me to spend countless daily hours out here in the bloggosphere. Office politics, however, are not my cup of tea. I’m not the type of person to kiss your ass in order to get what I want. I’m more about earning it….sometimes this doesn’t pan out, and its garbage. I talked with Ed recently about how maybe I’m not happy here and it came down to “what would I like to do instead” and the truth is, I really don’t know. So for now, here I am.

Did you go to college? If so, for what?

I did go to college. Initially, I was going to be a music teacher. Music was what I’d always done, I was really good at it and it made sense. Then like I do with most things, I got bored. I added the boredom to being really horrible at playing the piano and the fact that I would have to transfer far away to complete my degree, I dropped out of the program. I changed my major to elementary education and went with that for a while—again, got bored. Ed and I were living together by then and I decided that it would be more beneficial to work 3 jobs so I dropped out for a semester. I went back, but I could just never get in to the whole “school thing”. After waiting about 2 years, I went back again, this time to a different school and started majoring in business. I worked full time during the day and then took classes for about 3 hours a night and it was excruciating. I stuck with it though, and went for 2 semesters before I got pregnant with Eddie. I didn’t feel like I could balance work, school and being a mom, so I finished the classes I was taking and that was it. In all, I have about 5 years of college, and a ton of credits, about a 3.0 GPA, but no degree to show for it.

The Flying Mum asked

I know your secret desire is to be a rock star, any other wishes as yet unfulfilled?

Hmm, this is a tough one, because being a rock star, or even just being in a band, would be the greatest for me. I love to sing and harmonize and all around perform. There are 2 other things that I would love to do though. One is being an interior decorator. I took a home interiors class in high school and I LOVED it! The thing with that career line though is that you have to be creative, which I am not. I’m all about copying other people’s designs but I couldn’t come up with anything myself. This coupled with the laziness I’ve mentioned is why my own walls are all but bare, and I why I don’t even have curtains, just blinds. The other would be to own a bakery or candy shop. The thing about the bakery is that I suck at cookies. I can do cakes and pies, but my cookies always come out like crapola. I would absolutely love to learn how to make candy though and have some sort of custom candy shoppe.

Misty asked:

1. You said you liked to sing. What do you like to sing? What kinds of musical things have you done in the past? Do you play an instrument as well?

I love to sing EVERYTHING! Songs from the radio, TV jingles, made up songs to the kids… name it—my best friend used to joke that I even sing in my sleep. One of my all time favorites is Handel’s Messiah which is an amazing classical chorale piece. Broadway show tunes are also a must. I have them on in the car almost constantly. On the opposite end of the spectrum though, I love singing any of Alanis Morisette’s songs, Meatloaf’s power ballads and the harmony parts to Simon and Garfunkle tunes.

In high school I was in the symphonic chorale and show choir, and had chorus parts in Once upon a Mattress and Hello Dolly. I was also chosen for our All-County Chorus several times. In college I was in the Swing Choir and Chamber Choir. After college, I was in a local community chorus for a while, but the schedule became too demanding for something that was supposed to be recreational. So right now I am not doing anything musical and it kills me.

I do not play an instrument, though I’d like to buckle down and try the piano again, or maybe even the guitar.

2. Do you have names picked out for any future children? What kinds of names do you like?

Do I have names? DO I HAVE NAMES??!! (That’s a yes…) I don’t have any set in stone names. Ed and I both like Olivia and Cally. I like Grace (Gracie), Morgan, and Jenna for girls–Olivia Grace is my #1 girl’s name at the moment followed closely by Jenna Skye (which is the exact name that someone I used to work with named her baby girl, but I don’t really care!!). Boy’s names are really hard for me, but I really like Eric and Andrew….both solid manly names. My # 1 boy’s name used to be Sebastian, but we used it on the cat, so it’s gone now.

3. How much TV would you say you watch a week? What is your absolute favorite show?

I’m sad to say that the amount of time I spend in front of the TV is dwindling. There’s just so much to be done. Not including the Seinfeld reruns I watch religiously before bed each night (or Dora and Diego), I’d say it’s around 2 hours a day, depending on the day. I’m fickle about my ABSOLUTE favorite sow though—usually it’s How I Met Your Mother or The Office. Right now I’m totally in to Damages (does anyone else out there watch this show?) and I can’t wait until Jericho comes back on. My favorite show of all time, like EVA— Dawson’s Creek. Hands down.

4. If you could do anything for a vocation, what would it be?

Based on my answer about my job and my unfulfilled dreams above, I’d have to say I’m not sure at all. Probably something musical, maybe something with kids. Maybe I’d teach kids music? That might be fun.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where do you think you might want to live?

Based on the places I’ve been, I’d have to say New Hampshire. I’d love to retire and just hole up in the mountains somewhere. I really like where we live now though, and I wouldn’t be opposed to living anywhere that was warm and delicious the whole year round.

6. Name 5 things you would do/buy if you won the lottery.

I should start by saying that to win, you actually have to play, and I never play. But lets pretend that I did play and won a huge amount of $$. First, I would quit my job and of course pay off all of my bills—that’s just common sense. I would have our house remodeled and then rent it out (to keep it “in the family”), because even remodeled, I think I would hate it. I would build a new house with a huge kitchen and state of the art appliances and plenty of space for the kids to play and grow up—that has separate in-law quarters. I would donate to a charity that helps abused and underprivileged children and then I’d do something completely frivolous, like send Ed to NASCAR driving school or spend a week with friends only, no husbands allowed, at a luxury resort somewhere in The Bahamas.

7. Why do you blog?

I Blog mostly because I like to write. Part of me is a bit voyeuristic though, I mean, how neat is it that people from all over the world can catch a small glimpse in to my life, and I in to their’s? I kept a blog for 7 years at another site, and actually made some very good friends that I still keep daily contact with. I’m kind of a social retard and don’t make new friends easily out in the real world—I tend to say the wrong thing and people think I’m super weird, or don’t say anything at all and people think I’m a bitch. (Life is so hard after high school.) It’s nice to have a connection with other moms and people both similar to me and different who I normally wouldn’t get to know.