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Category Archives: diet

Doing Something About It

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It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like myself. I mean, a really long time.

I was kind of getting back to me before I got pregnant with the twins.  I was enjoying life, and felt balanced between work and home. I got involved at the kids’ school and made friends. I was exercising and I was actually enjoying it. This isn’t to say that the gestating and birth of the twins ruined me by any means, but I have felt a bit set back, stretched thin, frazzled, anxious and definitely not the person I want to be. I discovered recently that a good chunk of feeling this way had to do with letting my thyroid meds lapse.  I was super foggy and sluggish and it was impacting every aspect of my life. I’ve gotten that under control, and am 5 weeks in to re-medicating and I feel a lot better.  I’m functioning like a human again. Remembering to do the simple tasks that I couldn’t focus on before and thinking clearly.

And this has been great. I’m organized and getting things done and still having time left over for some fun, but I’m not quite there yet. I’ve been thinking a lot about last summer, how I went on a “diet” which basically eliminated gluten and dairy from my life, and how I can’t remember the last time I felt that good.  And I began beating myself up because, why, if I was feeling so great last year, would I start putting all of the things that make me feel so terrible back in to my body.  And let’s not even get started on my body image, and how badly I feel about the way that I look. That’s sort of secondary to wanting to be healthy, but it is still something I struggle with. I don’t want to be a MILF, per se, but I do want to look as if I haven’t completely given up and it’s hard to do that when for all intents and purposes, I have.

I originally gained a bulk of weight due to a long misdiagnosed auto-immune disorder that gave me a severely underactive thyroid. Once diagnosed and medicated, some of the weight came off but I had to work really hard at it. Then I got married and started having babies, and basically said “fuck it.” It is so much easier to eat what I want when I want it. To not have to worry about willpower. To be one of those people who says “I may be fat, but I’m happy!” I’ve been on health kicks before, but they always fall by the wayside when something better (for example, cake) comes along. I’ve talked myself out of it a million times–I’m actually pretty healthy. I have low blood pressure and great cholesterol numbers. I exercise some–not enough, but some, and this is probably the only reason that I don’t weigh double what I do now. The problem is that I cannot stop shoving crap in my mouth, which starts a cycle of me feeling badly in both my mind and my actual gut. I almost always regret the junk I eat within minutes, but of course, the damage is already done at that point. So I eat more. And it doesn’t stop. Ever.

What I want is for food to stop consuming my life. I want to be able to have a slice of cake on occasion and not be tempted to eat the whole cake. I’d like to go to the grocery store and not be consumed with what treat I’m going to buy myself. I’ve thought a lot about it, and have decided to get some professional help. This is very much a mental thing for me; something I’m never going to get past by just dieting on my own.

Ed has a friend who runs a weight loss clinic. He was on one of their programs when I was pregnant with the twins and had a lot of success. I’ve tried being accountable to myself and it hasn’t worked. I’ve tried to do it on my own for the better part of 15 years. I can’t do it. So, starting on Monday, for the span of 12 weeks, I will have someone telling me what I can eat and when I can eat it. I’ll be checking in with her daily and meeting face to face weekly.  I don’t think that it’s going to be easy. In fact, I’m kind of nervous about it. What will I do when I can’t eat my feelings?

I have to keep a daily journal as part of the program, so I’m considering blogging the whole thing–probably not here but in a different space. I’ll share that link if it happens. In the meantime, I’m going to do my best to not binge eat this weekend. I was going to end this by saying “Wish me luck!”, but I don’t think I need luck. I need strength, and maybe just some love. I want to be a better me–for my kids and for my husband. And for me too. I really hope I can do it.

Random List Post (on weight, diet, baby names, child spacing, you name it!) I’m everywhere today!!

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It so feels like Wednesday to me today. I don’t know why. I feel out of sorts. Maybe because I went to the gym this morning and I usually (by usually I mean last week) go MWF? I don’t know. In any case this will be a list post, because I really like lists, but also because I’m feeling a bit lazy.

1. Speaking of the gym, I’ve been going for a week and at least paying attention to what I eat, and I have lost one tiny pound. One. I wish there was some way to see immediate results. I wish I was the type of person who could do one of those crazy liquid diets. I wish that I could somehow get the lbs. to melt away. It doesn’t work that way though, huh.
2. Speaking of weight loss, I causally mentioned to Ed that I was going back on the pill because I don’t want an unplanned pregnancy to get in the way of my weight loss goals. (I have an appointment 11/9) He was actually kind of upset with me about it. He kind of thought we’d have another baby sooner than later. Well ok then. We disagree. I’m not canceling the appointment, but I will have a serious discussion with him before I start the pill. Who knew??
3. Eddie and Caitlyn were spitting last night. Their dinner, their beverages, just plain spit, you name it. They were out of control. At one point, I said to Eddie sternly “We do not spit in this house” and he said “Well can we spit in other peoples houses?” I had to walk away so he wouldn’t see me laughing.
4. I’m tired of my job and the shenanigans that go on. That’s all I have to say about that.
5. Caitlyn is on day 5 of being dry. She ran back and forth from the bathroom all last night saying that she needed to poop, but couldn’t get it out. She went in her pull-up right before bed and was actually upset about it. Today is a new day!!
6. Our local park is having an enchanted forest tonight and my FIL and I are taking the kids to walk through. I think they’ll enjoy it. Plus they get to try out their costumes before wearing them to school tomorrow.
7. Eddie still hates school in case you were wondering. He keeps asking for Ed to go with to drop him off, and I know it’s because Ed will stay and I will not. Ed can’t say no though, and usually follows us over. I kiss both kids goodbye and go. Ed has usually just left Eddie by the time my 20 minute commute to work ends. Now even at home, he wants to know where I am all the time—and says things like “Mommy, don’t leave me!!” when I put him to bed or am in the kitchen or something. I wish I knew what to do. I’m sure it’s not stay by his side for life, which is totally my inclination right now. I just feel like “my poor poor baby….” All of the time.
8. It’s supposed to be 70 degrees tomorrow for trick or teat—how awesome is that? I have to pick up crap for the kids to take to school tomorrow for their party and parade and now apparently for an impromptu Halloween party at work. I should have saved the pumpkin cookies (which are FRICKEN AWESOME!!) for tomorrow.
9. Did I happen to mention that we took all of the chocolate candy the kids got last Halloween and put it in the freezer? We have every intention of passing it out tomorrow night. Is that wrong in some way? It was all standard sealed chocolate; we didn’t save gummies or anything, so I think it should be fine. They weren’t going to eat it all.
10. I’d love to know what everyone is dressing their kids as for Halloween, or better yet, I’d like to see photos.
11. FINALLY!! I happened to hear a girls name on the radio this morning and immediately decided it was my new 2nd or 3rd favorite name for a girl. Do you want to hear it? No really, do you? It’s a name Ed would never go for, but I love it. Are you ready? It’s Sabina. I think it’s so pretty! Sabina. It makes me smile.


Retail Therapy and Crappy Diet Crap (stooopid DIET!!)

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Somehow the PMS comes on right about the time that I start to diet. It is inevitable and sometimes just seems like a cruel trick—you know like there’s good old Mother Nature clasping her hands together and cackling like a crazy person. “You will be large and in charge for ETERNITY!!! AAAHH HA HAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Seriously though. I was running errands on my lunch break (more on that later) and on my way out of the bank, all of the smells from the Mexican place, Chinese place and pizza place were wafting out in to the already yummy crisp autumn air, and I could have died. All the fried, greasy wonderfulness I could ever want….all in one plaza. There’s actually a donut shop there too. And a deli.

I sucked it up though, and headed back to work where I thoroughly enjoyed my homemade salad and Lean Gourmet Spaghetti and Mushrooms along with my XXX Vitamin Water. Not fully satisfied, I chased it with a peanut butter Twix. Ok, 2 peanut butter Twix.

What the hell, right?

Anyhoo, I had to go to Babies R Us on my lunch break to get a gift for my cousin’s baby momma’s shower this weekend. I swear, just driving by that store, my checking account becomes depleted. I bought the gift my SIL and I decided on and then just had to look at the clothes. They had full outfits for $9.99. I got 2 for Cait (one that is jeans embellished with blue cloth and a blue hoodie and the other is pink leopard print leggings with matching pink that has a leopard print kitty on it—in case you were wondering). I also grabbed pull-ups and wipes while I was there, making my grand total around $100.

In other shopping news, I scored 35% off of the clearance prices on line for the rest of the furniture we got for our living room. The bad news is that it costs $60 to ship, but the discount was about $73 so it kind of evens out. I’m so excited to have matching furniture that I can’t even believe it. We’re in negotiations about paint in the living room right now though—I want like a grayish green or sunflower yellow, and Ed wants tan. He also wants to paint my woodwork black. I don’t think I’m a fan of that idea. I’ll definitely post photos of the finished product.

Finally, tomorrow is picture day at daycare, and I think that Caitlyn might actually sit this year. Last year she was miserable and crying, and you can see the tears and runny nose in her photo. I have to make a mental note to remember the forms telling them what I want. The folks that come in to do them do a really good job, and they have a really nice set-up. Hopefully, it will all go well.

This means though that there are baths to be had and hair needs to be dried before they lay down tonight, which makes me one busy woman. I’d better finish up work and get out of here!!

On Dieting and Weight Loss (and being a lazy slob)

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So I’m dieting again. This comes after realizing that not only have I gained back the weight I lost last winter, I added about 8lbs to that, not to mention the fact that I lost all of the muscle tone that I had built. Almost none of my pants fit and the ones that do are uncomfortable. I am ashamed and disappointed.

I went to the gym at 5:30 this morning, like I did all last winter. I like going in the AM when all of the old people are there, instead of the intimidating body builder types. At least the girl at the front desk remembered me; I have only been there a handful of times since the middle of May.

What is it about the summertime that makes you discard your healthy eating and lifestyle habits? I was really doing well back then and proud of myself because I was sticking with it, and seeing results despite my Thyroid Condition . I felt great, and it was an all around amazing experience. Why then was it so easy to get lazy?

I always hesitate to discuss anything about my weight, dieting or working out because it’s easy to see when I’ve failed. I can’t just arbitrarily say “YES! I’ve lost this much weight!” because you can see the truth. If I commit, and don’t follow through (because let’s face it I’m lazy and extremely fickle) you will know. And you’ll think I’m a failure.

Today feels different though, although my body is alarmed and all like, “What do you mean an apple and sugar free yogurt for breakfast? Where the EFF is my buttered bagel????!!!?!?!!”, I feel good and inspired. At least I have vitamin water to get me through the day.

The non-commitist in me says “I might even go back tomorrow, you know, if I feel like it.”, but I think I probably will. Just don’t judge me if I don’t.