Category Archives: Uncategorized

Don’t read this if you are at all squeamish about the word ooze, ok?

For years—like since I have known him, Hub had a small bump on his back. It was soft, barely noticeable, and his doctor assured him that it was just an oily cyst. I’m familiar with such things because I have very oily hair and routinely have these kinds of bumps removed from my scalp. Maybe 5 or so years ago though, Hub’s bump began to grow and as it did, I would point this out. My reasoning was that he couldn’t see of feel his own back, and also—if it’s growing, maybe he should have it checked out.

He declined though. It didn’t bother him and why should he. I told him that I was worried about him getting an infection under there, if the gland was so active and there was no place for it to go. He rolled his eyes and ignored me. Around the time this bad boy had swelled to be the size of a golf ball, as in, you could see it protruding from underneath his shirts, Hub came down with a bad case of eczema. He was going to see my dermatologist so I asked him to please have her look at this cyst.

She did, and advised that because of the size and the activity, he should definitely have it removed. He came home with the news and I was pleased. It had worried me for so long, and if I was being honest, it was starting to gross me out. He scheduled the surgery and had it removed with little complications, but after the fact it began draining, and draining and draining. It was horrible. At one point there was a hole the size of a pencil eraser in his back and I could see in to the cavity. He had the dermatologist look at it a few times and was assured it was all completely normal. Finally it closed up and healed, leaving in its wake a purple scar that was somewhat indented on his back.

So things were good, up until a few weeks ago when the scar started to swell. And then it swelled some more. And then it started to get hot, and then we made an emergency dermatologist appointment. Somehow the cavity had become infected and it wasn’t pretty. Hub had to have the thing lanced and they drained it out. He left there having had a sample of the ooze sent off to be tested for MRSA (negative, fyi), a strong antibiotic to take 4 times a day and a referral to a plastic surgeon to have this cavity cleaned out and closed up from the inside.

Hub came home, and he was beyond pissed. This was all my fault, he accused. If I wouldn’t have harped and harped on him about getting the bump removed, and if I wouldn’t have been so grossed out by him and if I wouldn’t have sent him off to some pimple popper this never would have happened. We’ve had this argument something like 85 times now where he makes these accusations and where I maintain that I am not a medical professional and only asked for him to have it looked at because the growth was concerning me. Yes, I may have said it was kind of gross near the end, but I never harped or nagged. At least not to the degree he claims. Maybe I nudged. But that is all I will admit to.

And now, the surgery appointment is in a few weeks. Honestly you guys, I don’t want to be around after the fact. The surgeon has already said it’s going to be a painful recovery and has provided some good drugs. The surgeon also completely called out the dermatologist to say she never should have taken on something like this in her office. He is totally on Hub’s side and fueling his fire.

So what do I do? I’m pretty sure that no matter what I say, he’s always going to blame me. And until this thing heals for good, he is going to be on pissy guy. I’m taking the stance that I am not going to argue about it anymore, but I don’t know if that’s going to work. So tell me oh wise internets, what the heck do I do here?

My vacation was split pretty equally into two parts: actual vacation and consignment. I enjoyed every last bit of it though and hated going back to work Monday. Only having to make it as far as my basement helps a lot though.

Anyway, this was our first vacation where we didn’t have an automatic house sitter, and it made us a bit nervous—Hub more so than me. He shut off the water before we left and unplugged things like a crazy person. I was more worried about the cats, but I knew they would be fine for 2 nights without us. My aunt took the dog, so dropping her off was an extra step in our prep, but no big deal overall. In all though, things went very smoothly.

We were on the road by 6am and made it to Cedar Point by about 10:30. I fed the kids an early lunch as we were coming up the causeway so we wouldn’t have to be bothered with food for a while. It looked like it might rain on and off all day, but except for a 15 minute downpour after dinner, the weather was just right. We never realized how many kids things there are to do there; Hub and I only ever went on roller coasters. But we all had a fabulous time.

Monday we took a boat out to the Lake Erie islands, which was kind of a bust. There wasn’t too much to do, but we made the most of it for a few hours before heading back.

Then we checked out some caves.

We were home by mid afternoon on Tuesday, but it really was the perfect little trip. Family fun, and nostalgia combined. We can’t wait to do it again next year!

• I started writing a post the other day about how our summer vacation was going (well), considering the changes in our household, and went on to talk about how I’m keeping the kids busy, and decided that I hated the tone of it. It was more of a narration of our daily minutiae than anything that was helpful or even interesting. So! Summer is good! The kids have chores! And I print out crap to help them keep their minds sharp! And sometimes they go to camp! 4 weeks ‘til school starts!

• I am ridiculously excited for our 3 day mini-vacation that is coming up in less than 2 weeks. I’m sure the kids won’t give a flying fuck when I show them the place Hub proposed to me, but I am nostalgic just the same. And we are indulging Liv’s boat obsession with a ferry ride and a day long trip to one of the Lake Erie islands and she is going to die…just die! I cannot wait.

• The dog will be getting a vacation of her own while we are away by staying with my godmother who has 3 dogs. Haley just loves other dogs, (and cats too, but ours will not play with her) and if she doesn’t have a heart attack from all the excitement, she is going to have the time of her life.

• We had the girls’ big birthday bash this past weekend and it was a great time—though I don’t think I sat down even once over the course of 2 days. I was lucky to have my sister-in-law in town to help me get ready (read: chop fruit and vegetables), and generally keep me sane. We’ll be even luckier if she follows through and moves home as planned in September.

• I was going to share a few pictures, but I am going to leave you with just one. This is my, Lucy’s and SIL’s reaction to an interesting outfit composed of a short sleeved button down shirt, vest, a neck tie on a string of pearls and belted culottes. I thought we kept our opinion in check…but the photo tells otherwise. HA.

Ok, I guess I did sit down…

Do you ever feel like something is missing?

Hub and I have all but permanently decided that we are done expanding our family. We are more than 3 years past having a newborn. This is the longest I have not been pregnant since we started having kids. We have 2 more years of pre-school before all of the children will be in (free) school. We have a great family dynamic. I am honestly and truly ok with our decision to be done now. As much as I love to snuggle a newborn baby, I am ok with my time of middle of the night feedings and diapers and having to pay attention to someone every last second of the day being O-V-E-R. I like the independence that has come with having older kids. I like it a lot, actually.

A few months ago I had a dream. I was very pregnant. We were expecting twin boys. The kids were a bit older, but everything in the dream was much as it is now. We were happy, with 2 of everything lined up just so, just waiting for our boys to join us. I’ve had dreams about being pregnant before, dreams that have stuck me with a brief feeling of longing, dreams that have made me wonder if we’ve made the wrong decision…but the feelings are always fleeting. Always. This time though has been different.

Hard as I try, I cannot shake the feeling that regardless of not necessarily wanting to have another baby that I am supposed to get pregnant again. I am supposed to have (at least)another baby. I am supposed to be someone else’s Mama. And I don’t really know what to do with this nagging feeling. I don’t know why it won’t go away even though I am mostly in the camp of no more babies.

Is my head messing with me? Are my hormones messing with me? Am I being spoken to from a higher power? That is the thing. I have no idea. No idea at all about any of this. I thought that maybe typing it out would help me make sense of it, but…not so much.

How about you? Do you ever have a feeling about how things are supposed to be, compared to how they actually are, or how you want them to be?

Today, Banana, you are 3. Three years old.

I am having a hard time grasping how we have gone from this:

To this:

If I wondered even for a second three years ago, just how you were going to fit in to our family, it was all for nothing. You are the sunshine to all of us. To your brother and sister, a reason to be silly—they will do anything to make you happy even when you are the world’s biggest piss pot—and trust me, you are. To your daddy who you get to buy you Tim Bits on the way home from school, even though it’s dinner time and you promise you won’t tell mom. And to me—you are my forever baby and as much as you ask, I will never stop calling you baby even though you are big.

You are truly something else—you call grown-ups by their first names and you get away with it. No Miss or Aunt or Uncle for you. You interact with grown-ups like you are one yourself. In fact, your teacher (Miss) Jamie says she misses you when you’re not there because she doesn’t have a grownup to talk to.

You have no fear, going on all the big slides at the playground and riding all the big kid rides at the amusement park. You always tell us exactly what is on your mind, and even if you didn’t—we would see it on your face.

You still insist that your name is Hannah Banana Lastname. This is how you introduce yourself to people. And if I happen to call you Hannah Lynne, you immediately correct me. You make big eyes and tell us “these are my maaaaagical eyes” and you tell us what you see. Your grandma is your very best friend. This pleases me, because I know she needs you.

I don’t know what else to say, Baby. You are one of the 3 greatest things to have ever happened to me and I love you to the moon.

Let’s stop growing up now, ok?

Love-
Mama

Last year we went to a pool party at my godmother’s house and I “forgot my bathing suit”. I wasn’t comfortable with my body and I wasn’t interested in putting it on display for various layers of my family. My parents took the kids in the pool, but it wasn’t very fun for them, and honestly, the kids would have preferred for Hub or me to be in the water anyway. So I decided at that point that I wasn’t going to have the kids miss out because of my insecurities. This summer there would be swimming.

As it happens, we’ve been put in the way of some upcoming activities that will require me to wear a swim suit. Not the usual summer vacation where we don’t know anyone, but amusement park trips with my brother, the beach with some friends and possibly a family camping trip. I know that I won’t get by without going in the water, especially because Liv is at a point where she wants to hang off of me, even in our 2.5 foot pool in the back yard. So I resigned myself to this fact of public swimsuit wearing. I’ve accepted it, and I’m moving on.

Now the swimsuit I’ve worn for the past few years is ok—in its one-piece with skirt old ladyish way. I wanted something a little more supportive, and a little more versatile. I couldn’t wear the existing suit under things because of the giant skirt. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed this about one-pieces, but they don’t do much in the way of supporting the girls. So I set out to casually look for some bathing suits—planning to do the shopping online and be done with it. Nothing seemed right though. I didn’t want a halter that tied at my neck, I didn’t want my whole thigh exposed…you get the idea. I was certain I wouldn’t find anything, but decided to look at the suits while I had the girls in Target on Saturday morning.

I was surprised with the selection—lots of nice interchangeable tops and bottoms. I saw a skirted bottom that I knew could work and decided to buy it even if I couldn’t find a top. And then I saw it—a black and white racer back top, that was fitted and had cups for support up top, but was looser and kind of ruched on the sides. A bit longer as well. I looked for and found an XL and I was sold. There was no time for trying it on, but I remembered the racer back Speedo suit I had in high school—mind you when I was a twig, but still had a need for support—and figured I’d be ok.

I put off trying it on when we got home. I was afraid of hating it. I was afraid it would give me back boobs. I was afraid of a lot of things. Eventually though, I did put it on and checked myself out in the mirror. The result was….not bad. There is no disguising the fact that I am overweight. And I think the fact that I get that now is helping me immensely. For my body type, the suit was perfect. I had nice cleavage and I had some flow in the belly region. My whole ass wasn’t hanging out; the skirt offered a lot of coverage, while still being modern. It was weird, but I genuinely liked the way I looked in the suit.

It was only when I decided to take the tags off that I realized the top portion of the suit was actually a maternity top. Nevermind that I’m not sure what kind of pregnant belly would fit in there, but UGH! Maternity!! This didn’t do a lot for my self esteem. Here I thought I’d found something perfect for “my body type”. It stung a little bit to know that my body type=looks pregnant but is not and has not been for 3 years. The Twitters helped to talk me down though, and I’m still keeping it. It is a good suit with good fit. Nobody will know the difference anyway I’m sure.

The rational part of me knows that nobody cares what I look like in a bathing suit. I know this I know this I know this! And I think I will actually wear it this coming weekend and I think I will wear it proudly.

Hub has lost about 50lbs since January. “I’ve basically lost an entire Lucy”, he told me smugly last night, “Could you imagine carrying her around all day every day?” I roll my eyes smug with my own knowledge of irrelevant facts about our children. “She weighs 60lbs. You haven’t lost her yet.”

Score. Ok, not really.

I want to be happy for Hub. I want to be thrilled that with hard(ish) work, he’s really done it. He’s reduced his triglycerides by two thirds and is probably healthier than he’s ever been. Mostly though, I am pissed off about it all the time. Everything I’d told him for years about whole grains and carbs and sugars is now The Bible because HE thought of it. Right. Perhaps if I had been hitting the drive thru twice a day for 10 years grabbing a doughnut or 2 with my coffee then I too could drop 50lbs by just stopping and changing my eating habits. But I’ve never done that. Just eating some damned wheat bread is not going to help me.

Aside from the probably hundreds of studies (none of which I am familiar with, so…) that have shown this, it is quite obvious that men and women are very different when it comes to losing or gaining weight. I have heard so many stories of husbands who need to lose 20lbs and just stop drinking beer for a few weeks and lose the 20 and more. Men are different! It is science! It is also infuriating.

I will say that after starting to work from home, when there was no longer an endless buffet of potluck lunches, birthday and anniversary cakes and milkshake runs at my disposal, that I lost 15lbs without doing anything else. You may think “But Saly? Weren’t you going to the gym???” Well, no. I wasn’t. I decided that since I was working from home there was no reason for me to get up at 5am to go any longer. I could go any time! My lunch! Mid afternoon! The possibilities were endless, except that they weren’t as my calendar filled up on a daily basis. So gradually I dropped from 4 times a week to 2-3 and then to never. And I sit here knowing that it is ridiculous. Working from home has saved me something like 10 hours a week. I talked myself up and started going back at the end of April and then I traveled to California for work where I was told I had to go back to the office for a while, and from there everything went back downhill.

I couldn’t very well go to the gym when I had to be in the office, could I? And I couldn’t turn down my team members’ offers of milkshakes and lunches out and of course the weekly ice cream parties. I marveled at how loosely my work clothes were fitting, my size 22 pants nearly falling off of me. During the 6 weeks that I was in the office, I put 5lbs back on.

Thankfully I am back home. I’ve bought shorts for the summer in a size 20 and they are a bit loose. Large, yes. But not a 22 which is the biggest size I’ve ever worn. I’ve dropped the 5lbs just by getting back in to my home habits. I’ve been to the gym once with the excuse of “The Holiday Weekend” keeping me away this week.

Long story short, Hub’s weight loss has not been about turning in to a buff hottie. It’s been about his health. His doctor told him to change his habits or he would be dead, and he did it. He talks to the kids about why he’s doing it and why we don’t keep cookies in the house anymore and why their lunch is made on different bread now. The kids know that part of the reason Grandpa died was because he never quit smoking, even though the doctors told him to quit many times. They correlate that to what Hub is doing, and they get it. Hub is doing all of this so he is healthy and here for them for a very long time.

So how come I am not? I feel like someone has slapped me in the face and I’ve woken up. I am lazy. Why do I get to say that it’s too hard? Why do I get to be annoyed with Hub for making it look so damned easy? I don’t really have that right. He’s found what works for him and he’s doing it—so good for him! Really!! This is the time for me to find what works and to do it too. I started by calling my endocrinologist for a lab slip because I haven’t had my meds checked in a very long time. In fact, the rude receptionist who is The Reason I Haven’t Called, pointed out that it has been 2 years since I was last in the office. One hard thing out of the way, right? We’ve found that operating on a family schedule really helps with chores and keeping household things running smoothly, so I am going to try scheduling my gym time. And it will have to be in the early mornings. I know this. And the hard part? I will actually have to get up and go, and not phone it in when I get there and just ride the bike. Finally—I need to give up my favorite coffee drinks for a while. I drink it black at home, but when I am out I love nothing more than stopping for a creamy iced coffee. Once in a while for a treat will be fine later on, but no more to the “I am in my car and therefore DESERVE an iced coffee”.

So. 3 hard things. 4, if you count me telling you my pant size. I am going to work on pushing myself out of my comfort zone a little bit, maybe by accomplishing 3 hard things a week. I think it might work. And if it doesn’t, I need to keep trying until I find something that does. I think I give up too easily—so I need to figure out a way to stop myself from doing that. Anyone want to scream in my face to get my lazy butt up and to the gym? I don’t know—I’m going to do it somehow. You might not hear me gloating that I lost a whole Lucy, but maybe somewhere down the line I’ll be able to say that I’ve lost a Liv. Or that I’ve at least reached my pre-(1st)pregnancy weight.

Or maybe I’ll just take to my bed like the mom from Gilbert Grape.

Ok, not really. Wish me luck.

• The holiday weekend was nice. Soooo nice. I worked on Friday like a sucker, but did take Tuesday off to make it a nice 4 days off. It was glorious. The weather was good and the kids were decent. I wish it happened like that more often. We saw fireworks shows on Saturday and on Sunday and just watched the (illegal) displays in our neighborhood on Monday. My parents were here for a barbeque, we saw Hub’s family, and spent time alone just the 5 of us. I couldn’t have imagined a better weekend. We needed it.
• Last week I convinced my phone carrier to give me an early upgrade discount because my phone was a flaming piece of poo. It arrived after I’d waited the whole long weekend with a barely functioning phone on Tuesday afternoon. As I unpacked it, the dog was VERY interested in the plastic and as I went to put the phone together, I noticed that the battery was missing. I knew it was there a minute ago….and then I saw it in a chewed up heap on the floor. The dog ate my battery. I cannot believe the freaking dog ate my battery!! Luckily I was able to get a new one through Amazon that was much cheaper than going through the phone carrier, and with prime shipping, it came last night, but MAN was I ticked off!! What kind of dog chews up a battery. I left it on the kitchen table to ask Hub if we needed to do anything special to throw it out—imagine my surprise when I found the cat up there licking it. Lesson learned. Cell phone batteries are apparently quite tasty for pets.
• Our garden is coming along quite nicely. We have a few pea pods and the start of some hot peppers. I don’t know what it is about looking at my growing garden that gives me such great satisfaction, but boy it sure does. I used to think that the people who said gardening relaxed them were crazy. But I get it now. And with this being the first year we’ve had flowers in the bed out front, I am quite happy every time I see a new bloom. I may officially be old now.
• I am getting used to my hair cut, which turned out to be shorter than I wanted. It is very cute when I blow it our straight and part it far on my left and accent it with a headband. I’ve also figured out a way to make it look so-so without drying it by letting it just spring up like it does instead of combing it straight. I kind of scrunch it while I’m doing whatever as it dries. It looks somewhat intentional.
• We are planning our big party in the park for the girls’ birthday and I am starting to get nervous, as always. People really look forward to our party (so I’m told), so I feel a lot of pressure to make it AWESOME. First though, I need to make and send invites. Like, today. Sigh.
• I’ve decided that Lucy is the only person who is allowed to take my picture going forward. She is the only one who ever gets a decent shot of me. Here are 3 photos taken of me on Saturday as we waited for fireworks, each taken by a different child:

Taken by Liv:

Taken by Bud (this was the point I told him to GIVE ME THE CAMERA):

Taken by my favoriteLucy:

Remember the day I wrote this post? The one about my chasing of the dog, braless, through our neighborhood? Lucy also wrote a journal entry about it in school that day. I asked her if she minded me sharing it with my friends and she said to go for it!

Here is what happened that day from Lucy’s perspective:

“Me Mom and Bud where sad becuse my dog Haley is not suapost to go near the cars in front. When we opened the gate she ran”

“away. I burst into tears. Mom cuold not cache her But then mom told me to go and get her leash.”

“Mom chuate her.”

**************************************
Her few sentences say a lot to me. I was not at all sad that the dog got out. I was straight up pissed. She had ruined my morning. Remember how I turned around to just leave her? If something would have happened, these kids would have been devastated. This is an example for me. I say that I put my kids first in everything I do, but in this situation (and many others) my emotions were guiding me. I was only thinking in the moment, and not at all about the outcome. I know this is a pretty mild example, but it sure did get me thinking.

I’ve got the kids journaling this summer and it’s not just to keep them in practice with writing. Their thoughts mean a lot to me. If they are seeing things differently than I am; getting different things out of different situations…I want to know about it. I want to learn from it.

And if I learn nothing, at least I will be entertained.

• Bud slept in his own room for the first time last night. He and Lucy, being so close, have shared a room since she was about 1. And when Liv was ready to move out of our room, we gave all 3 kids the master bedroom and moved in to the nursery while Hub worked (slowly) on converting our upstairs in to 3 bedrooms. It’s been 2 years now, and while the kids enjoyed being together (MOST of the time), it was time to get Bud away from the girls. We were pretty close to being able to hang some drywall and paint and get Bud upstairs, but with FIL’s room now standing empty, we decided to move Bud back there. Basically, he is a 7 year old with his own apartment. The stipulation is that the girls are allowed back there for TV and to play, but he has a nice area to be all his. It was tough on me to have my baby on the other side of the house. In fact, I may have asked Hub to go pick up a baby monitor (he may have declined). Bud woke up at 6 this morning, and settled in to the recliner. I woke up at 7 to find him watching Star Wars, happy as a clam. So far, he likes having his own room. Lucy was nervous about sleeping without her big brother, but rather enjoyed being the boss of the room.
• The big kids started summer camp today. My job gives a stipend per kid per month, and it works out to cover just about 4 days, so I signed them up Monday through Thursday this week to take full advantage of my June allowance. Apparently, drop off didn’t go so well because Bud and Lucy are not in the same room as we thought they’d be. Lucy was devastated.
• We are planning on putting the pink color in to Lu’s hair tonight though, so hopefully, that will make her feel better. I’m not sure the color is going to take in her dark silky hair, but we are going to try. I’m not willing to bleach it, so I’ve been scoping out feathers and tinsel extensions on etsy. One way or another, this girl is going to have cool summer hair. (I’m bound and determined to have cool summer hair as well) She’s also been saving her money to go to the salon for a real pedicure. I don’t know whose daughter she is sometimes.
• The baby will be 3 in 4 weeks. My baby. 3. This sort of make me want to curl up in a ball. This is the longest span of time since I began having children that I have not been pregnant. When I think of Lu being not quite 3 when Liv was born, compared to Liv being not quite 3 now…it seems so weird. I don’t really know how to describe it. I sort of feel a void, but I also feel so far away from that crazy infant period that I’m not sure I’d ever really want to go back. I’d like it if Liv could stop growing up now, please.
• Liv’s birthday always satisfies me a bit though because for about 3 weeks when I’m asked my kids ages, they are quite evenly spaced. This is crazy I know, but I like to say “They are 3, 5 and 7.” It satisfies some weird OCD tendency inside of me. Plus, even now people raise an eyebrow over Bud and Lucy being so close in age. It makes me stabby.
• I worked my very last day ever in my actual workplace (as in, not my home office) last Thursday. One of the stipulations of the work from home situation was that I visit the site one day a week to maintain connectivity and such. Then this project came along, and I was spending 90 days in the office, which sucked on an epic level. A few weeks ago, a reorganization was announced though, and all of the people I used to support here, were redeployed to another line of business. I now support no one in that site—or in this state for that matter. And with that being said, I am home for good and breathing a huge sigh of relief as our life gets back to normal. It’s kind of amazing how different life became for us because of me being here and how incredibly hard it was for us to adjust to me being back in the office. That is a post for another day though.