Posted on March 27, 2008 by Sara

It’s hard when you’re trying not to think about something; trying not to write about something; trying not to let it bother you. Hard indeed. Hard to see someone who is self destructive without realizing it; falling back in to old habits; thinking nobody knows.

I’m glad that I am not there now, dealing with it on a daily basis like I did for so long, but when I see you; talk to you, I know immediately. You may be able to hide it from others, but it was my life for so long, you can not hide it from me.

I saw you. You didn’t think anyone did—but I did.

I don’t say anything—what would I say? How would I say it? What right do I really have? In the grand scheme of things, it bears no impact on my life now, however, knowing and seeing takes me right back and again, I am 12, 13, 14 and helpless. Unable to help you. Unable to DEAL with you—at all. I feel like shutting down and pretending and there is no good reason for it.

I am not there.

And I won’t be there.

I can’t.

I hate that it is still affecting me.

I just wonder if you will celebrate this year as you have in years past, for maybe the last 10.

I stopped counting 5 years ago when you’d decided it was ok to indulge a little bit.

It’s not ok; never has been. I think it’s apparent. Not to you though.

Look where you are now.

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Catching Up on Photos

Posted on March 26, 2008 by Sara

I’ve been behind on photos, so here you’ll find a bunch. You’ll notice that CA is the subject of most of them, not because I’m playing favorites, but because ED flat out refuses to pose. CA loves to be in photos, and is very photogenic. What can I say, she’s a beauty……

This is them every morning—they get out of bed and pass out on the couch while I shower (it’s blurry, I know).

Here is CA on Valentine’s Day. Her shirt says “My heart belongs to Daddy”

A few of the kids sledding down Hub’s man made hill on our porch:



Sabbie loves the springtime sunshine

Here are the 2 outfits CA picked out for The Bean (shoes and all):

CA being goofy on the couch:

The kids and my MIL (who currently weighs less than 100 lbs which is a story for another day) on Easter morning:

CA posing on Easter (The first is quite possibly my all-time favorite picture of her—I could eat her. Everyone says she looks just like me in the second)


ED posing (reluctantly) on Easter. He loved his bug outfit though and asked if he could wear it again next Easter. He is only 4, but I feel like he looks 10!

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Sooooooo…

Posted on March 25, 2008 by Sara

• CA is probably fine. Dusty either doesn’t know how to read x-rays or was taking some extra precautions, but the orthopedic surgeon did not see any buckle or fracture—apparently a 2-year-old’s bones are still soft and there is still a lot of cartilage and things can be hard to determine. He took the temporary cast off, and she was able to move it with no problems. He suggested letting her wear the cast, if she would keep it on, for the next week or so, and removing it for bathing. He seemed to think that once she realized she was fine without it though, it would be hard to get her to wear it. He was right; she took it off in her sleep last night. He will see her again on Monday for new x-rays to be sure; but it’s a safe bet that she is fine.
• Since I was already out of work, CA and I picked ED up and took him to the early Tae Kwon Do class. To say that he was a real piss pot is an understatement. He wouldn’t start the class with the other kids (there were 2 new boys) and when he did go out there, he sat behind the teacher, facing the class, and goofed off. He poked and distracted the teacher and was a real distraction for the other kids. The last straw was when he took his belt and started dragging it all over the floor. I grabbed him, put his shoes on, and we left. I have never been more embarrassed. He spent the entire night in his room, with the exception of dinner. I’m reasonably sure that being tired and hungry played in to all of this, as he refused his lunch yesterday (potato pancakes) and had his snack taken away from him for smashing it on the table. Combine that with the 8lbs of Easter candy and being out late on Sunday……I don’t know, to me it is inexcusable. I’m not entirely sure where to go from here.
• My hips, tailbone and legs are so stiff and sore; I think the baby must be laying on something. I’ve never been in this much pain while pregnant.
• A friend at work, has a friend who had a baby today……guess what they named her?? ***sigh***
• Hub felt the baby move for the first time on Sunday. YAY!
• Have I ever mentioned that we earn points at work? They are much like credit card points; you can use them for travel or merchandise. I now have close to 10,000 thanks to figuring out how the hell Visio works, and creating 5 flow charts before I left at 1:30 yesterday. Anyway, I’m trying to decide what to do with them. I could get a new high chair and bouncy seat, I could get a new camera, I could get the pasta attachment and the grinder attachment for my mixer, or I could get a Wii. There are actually a million other things I could get as well. What would you do?? Be practical or be frivolous?
• I went to WalMart on lunch, to (finally) get some comfortable underwear, and ended up buying 6 dresses and 3 creepers for The Bean—I spent less than $40. I typically don’t like their clothes, but these were cute. I’m glad to have some new things for her so she won’t completely be the handy-me-down kid.
• Our cabinets are in!! We have to tear apart our kitchen and decide on a floor to prepare for the install. Holy crap!! It’s really going to happen! Maybe I’ll add “before” photos to the list of photos I’ve been meaning to post here.

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The Rest of the Story

Posted on March 24, 2008 by Sara

My sweet daughter was pretending that the couch was a row boat on Saturday. At some point, she lost her balance, rolled off, and cracked her wrist on ED’s rocking horse. Hub and I were in the kitchen at the time, and FIL was in the living room with both kids. FIL insisted she wasn’t hurt; just scared, but I could tell by the way she was holding her wrist that something was wrong.

We calmed her down and got out the ice pack and got some M&M’s. She tried picking them up with the injured (left) hand and barely could. (She is left handed….both of my kids are……weird and recessive, but I digress) Hub asked her to squeeze his finger, and when she did, she screamed in pain. We decided at that point to go to the ER.

We do have a children’s hospital near us, but I find them to be dirty, and the wait is ridiculous, so we went to the hospital nearby, and thankfully, were pretty much in and out. Because of the baby, I could not be with her for the x-ray, so I was glad that Hub was with me.

By the time the x-rays came back, she was acting pretty normal and was even using the wrist a little bit. When the doctor said it was broken, I almost asked “are you sure??” but I restrained myself. His name was Dustin something or other, but he lost all credibility when every member of the staff called him Dusty, rather than Dr. SoandSo.

Anyway, they gave her a temporary cast, and sent us on our way. She is doing really well, enjoying wearing her brother’s clothes, since her sleeves are all too small to fit over her cast. Her only complaint is that it is itchy.

We are off to see the Orthopedic Doctor now, so I will update you when I have more info.

Thanks to all for your well wishes!

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Notes from the ER

Posted on March 22, 2008 by Sara

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Cait broke her wrist.  She is ok.  Broken but ok.  Happy easter.
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Fun Facts- The Hub N Me Edition

Posted on March 21, 2008 by Sara

Tessie did fun facts today, and I am going to follow suit. These, however, are fun facts about Hub and me.

• I met my husband on the school bus when I was in 7th grade. I hated him, for he was loud and obnoxious. (He still is today) He had this “nice guy” reputation in high school and semi-dated my friend Lee. I sat with him on the bus a few times and talked to him about my then-boyfriend; a good friend of his. The summer after 10th grade he asked my friend Melissa about me, and called me one day in July to go to Six Flags with a bunch of people. We have been together ever since. I was 15 years old.
• That same summer, before we were “officially” together, I went to VA beach with my friend Staci. I met a boy there and made out with him for the entire week. I told Hub about it, reluctantly, because I didn’t want it hanging over us. He never let on that he was upset (but will tell anyone now that he was crushed).
• Our relationship was made official during a weekend party at Melissa’s dad’s house where he had ordered “Woodstock 1994” on pay per view. Hub drove up there on Saturday afternoon and had to leave Sunday morning by 5AM for work. He didn’t actually “ask me out” until we were on the phone the following Monday.
• My mother was not thrilled about our relationship, since he was 18 and I was 15 (nearly 16).
• We went back to school, for his senior and my junior year.
• I spent a lot of time skipping classes that year, because he had late arrival and early release privileges. I actually dropped morning and afternoon classes and never signed in to the new ones and nobody caught on.
• We both did theatre while we were there, and Hub climbed up to the catwalks and spray painted “Ed loves Sara” on the wall. As of 2 years ago, when my youngest brother was there, it was still on the wall.
• When my class held elections for Senior Class President, Hub and I lowered my friend Jer down from the rafters of the stage and blasted Strauss’ Also Sprach Zarathustra (heard in 2001 a space Odyssey) through the aud. Up until that point everyone thought Jer was a no show and had dropped out of the election. He won the election, and though we all had a good talking to from the principal, we didn’t really get in any trouble.
• Hub graduated and I went back for senior year, and had probably the best year of my life (at that point anyway). All of the fun did not pay off though, and I was “let go” from our show choir, and ended up failing my last semester Government class. That being said, I did not graduate with my class in June, but rather after summer school in August. I never “walked across the stage” and to this day, my mother insists that I did not graduate. I have a diploma to prove that I did, in fact, graduate high school in 1996.
• That wasn’t really about our relationship, but was kind of a lead in.
• This is back tracking a bit……At my senior prom, my friend Ben, whom I’d spent a lot of time with that year (sans Hub), kissed me. Hub was furious.
• The day summer school let out, Hub and I left on a trip to Cedar Point. I had about 10 days before college started. When I cam home, my parents had completely locked me out of the house because they didn’t agree to me spending time in a hotel room, out of state with my boyfriend. This was when I made the decision to leave my parent’s house.
• It took a year of working 3 jobs in addition to going to school, but Hub and I moved in to our first apartment, a cute one bedroom basement apartment, on my 19th birthday. We are still paying off the credit card debt, now rolled in to our mortgage, but it was probably the most liberating and best thing I ever did for myself.
• 2 months after we moved in together, I had my wisdom teeth removed and Hub needed to take care of me. I’m surprised that he didn’t go running for the hills.
• The first piece of furniture we ever bought, a kitchen table and 2 chairs, is the same kitchen table we use today.
• One of my best memories of our apartment is coming home from a very long day to a warm bath and soft music playing. Once I was in the tub, Hub brought me a piece of home made chocolate pie.
• In 1999 we moved in to our current house, then owned by Hub’s dad. He was charging us half of what we paid for our tiny apartment, and we had the whole front and upstairs of the house. This afforded us the opportunity to stop working as much, concentrate on school, and have a little bit of fun.
• In June 2000, I started at my current employer, and soon after, Hub and I got our 1st cat Sebastian—who we still refer to as our 1st born.

• Hub proposed to me at Cedar Point, where we had vacationed every year since 1996, on August 14, 2000.
• We were married 9/14/02 and had the best day of our lives. We threw a kick-ass reception!

• (You guys know the rest)
• I was pregnant by April 2003 and we had our first baby, a boy, January 7, 2004.

• By November 2004 we were expecting our second, a girl, who was born August 18, 2005.

• We are currently expecting our third, another girl, on August 6, 2008

This all kind of makes me wonder where we will go next.

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10 For Thursday

Posted on March 20, 2008 by Sara

1. I came in to work early again today because my calendar is booked solid from 9-4. I am double booked twice and I have to do 2 interviews. What the heck?? Of course, instead of getting work done, here I am……

2. Hub has worked every night this week leaving me to deal with the kids on my own. It’s not really a big deal, but I sure am wiped out. He will be home tonight until 10, so I feel like I’m getting a break.

3. I have 2 videos that I want to post and I keep forgetting to upload them. One is of ED on the sled, screaming up to Hub after he says “all right ED!” that he is actually Jeff Gordon. The other is of CA who wanted to watch herself sing the ABC’s on camera. So we recorded that, and then she insisted on singing “I love you”. Maybe tonight.

4. My mother had a panic attack last night because the ham she ordered from QVC for Easter Dinner is on back order. Am I the only one who thinks that ordering a ham from QVC, as well as a ham being on back order in general, is hysterical? She didn’t find it very funny.

5. I’ve been on the border of getting sick all week. I has stomach issues on Tues and Weds and today my throat and ears hurt. I credit the prenatal vitamins with keeping me healthy. As opposed to the 2 other times, I have hardly been sick at all. It’s refreshing.

6. I found out that our hospital has remodeled all of their post-partum rooms; they are all private and they boast a home-like atmosphere. The baby gets to room in with you the whole time you are there. I’m pretty sure the nurses will still barge in on me at all hours of the night. I wouldn’t exactly call that home-like.

7. I’ve been giving more thought to my proposed early induction. I hated being induced, however, if it gives me the chance of having a smaller baby, one who does not have to go to the NICU for hypoglycemia, I think I’m going to do it. I would rather be uncomfortable and somewhat miserable instead of going through what I did with CA. That thought has terrified me since I got pregnant; I can not leave the hospital without my baby again. It’s not going to happen. So when we evaluate at 36 weeks, I will ask for a scheduled induction.

8. Speaking of this baby bean, Hub has decided he really doesn’t like the middle name we have chosen. He’ll go with it, but I’m not sure that I want to hear his incessant complaining about it. Every time he hears CA’s middle name, he makes a comment. He hates it. Whatev. We’ll see what happens.

9. I’m also prepping myself to begin dieting before I come back to work from my maternity leave. This will be hard because typically I am hungrier when I am breastfeeding than I am when I am pregnant. It’s been proven, however, that I can not start a diet at work. I need to establish the good habits prior to coming back. It’s going to be hard, but I need to do something. I can’t look like this anymore. I bought “You on a Diet” just before I got pregnant, so I’m going to study up and figure out a way to do this without depleting my milk etc. (there is a huge change that post-partum feelings will send this all down the toilet, but it’s good in theory, right????)

10. Finally, I commented somewhere the other day that CA was 26 months old. Am I on drugs? She is 2 years and 7 months old, which makes her what, 31 months old? Holy hell! She’s closer to being 3 than I realized!! I worry about her not being the baby anymore. She is SO the baby. I had similar worries for ED before she was born and it all worked out fine, but I can’t help but worry that we are forever impacting her life by making her the middle child. It’s valid; her life—all of our lives—will change forever when the bean is here. She’s just had so much time to herself as the baby of our family, where as ED had less than 2 years, and it scares me. I’m encouraged though that she has already offered to help change diapers, and rub the baby’s back, and be my helper. She’s going to be a great big sister, of that, I am sure.

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There Is Nothing Holding This Post Together…..

Posted on March 19, 2008 by Sara

To say that I am lazy when it comes to housework is a huge understatement. Clutter is kind of a way of life for us. I don’t see a huge point in spending 2 hours cleaning every night after work when I could be spending time with the kids. I’ve been a little more lax than I should be concerning the kitchen lately, since we are getting all new stuff, but yesterday I got some sort of bug up my ass, and decided at 8:30 that I was scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom. It was like I went in to panic mode or something. There will be people in our house, installing cupboards and what not. They’re not going to think, “Oh, the floor is dirty because they’re getting a new one” but rather “these people are scumbags and rather than clean, they’re getting new stuff!!” So I cleaned until 11PM, and am paying for it today.

Hub noticed though and thanked me (at 2:30 am) without stating the obvious, which is, “What’s the point”. I think I need to have a serious talk with him about talking to me when he gets home though. Isn’t it bad enough that the bean keeps me up with her cervix kicking, leg cramps and heartburn all night?

Funny story—one of my reps who is pregnant called in 3 days in a row last week without giving me a reason. When she came back, she told me that she had called in because she was just so tired, and she knew I would understand. Seriously? Talk to me when you have 2 kids getting up in the middle of the night AND you’re tired from being 6-months pregnant. Ass. (I feel like I told you this story already)

Another story about a pregnant friend (and employee)……she actually had her baby today! She tried for 9 years, since her 1st was born and had been through fertility treatment and several miscarriages. Last summer she said she had enough; and if she was not pregnant by the time she turned 30, she was done. She attempted to sell all of her baby stuff at a garage sale in June, and nobody came. She found out days before her birthday in July that she was pregnant. She had tons of problems and has been out of work since November, and against all odds, this baby, who she named Faith, was born today, healthy and almost 9lbs. I am so thrilled for her and her family. Did you know that today is St. Joseph’s day? He is the patron saint of families. The whole situation, if you ask me, is remarkable.

I am 20 weeks today!! WOOT!! Half way there!!

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Happy Tuesday!!

Posted on March 18, 2008 by Sara

Somehow, I made it to work at 7:30 this morning. I usually roll in around, say, 9:10 or so, so this is an amazing feat. How, you might ask? Hub came home from work at 5-ish. I was on the couch, where I had been all night. He thought it was important to tell me that ED was in our bed, and ask whether I was aware. I was not, nor did I see how this was relevant conversation for 5AM. After Hub made himself comfy in bed, ED woke up and came out on the couch with me. Sleep was out the window.

I lay on the couch in the dark for about 30 minutes and then decided to screw it, got up and came to work. I even made my own breakfast and coffee instead of stopping. Seriously. AND I wore a skirt and heels. The world may be ending. To top it all off, there was amazing music on my satellite radio on the way in, starting with The Bloodhound Gang and “Fire Water Burn” and ending with Damn Yankees “High Enough” (which I can not get out of my head).

Let’s hope my day doesn’t hit the shitter from here.

I saw my new OB yesterday who was perfect and exactly what I was looking for ( think I mentioned that she was the resident at the hospital and assisted in both of my other deliveries). We had an actual conversation instead of the 3 minute in and out appointments I was getting at the old place. I felt like she truly cared about my well being, and the baby, and making sure we had the absolute best care. It was warm and fuzzy like the old practice was before everyone left. She told me that the DR at the old one only delivers babies one night a week and one weekend a month, so the on call DR’s affiliated with the hospital have to do all of their deliveries. NOBODY told me that, and let me tell you that if some stranger was delivering my baby, I would not have been pleased. So, I’m extremely happy. Hub is happy too because they induce at 38.5-39 weeks. He’s afraid that since CA came so quickly, we won’t have time to go to the hospital. I have strong feelings AGAINST being induced, because pitocin contractions come straight from the devil, but we’ll see where we are—the DR thinks that it is a good option to consider based on the size of my other babies. The other good thing would be that they do them on Mon, Tues or Weds during the day so we could potentially do it when the kids are home and not worry about the middle of the night shuffle. I have to have an ultrasound at 36 weeks to check her size and we’ll go from there, but I think it’s a pretty sure bet that she will be a July baby one way or the other.

I get more excited about her by the day. I will be 20 weeks tomorrow. There is so much to be done!! I’m not allowing myself to go through her clothes and things until I accomplish what I want to get done upstairs, which basically involves an overhaul. Our cupboards came in yesterday, so our kitchen should be done by the end of April at the latest. Hub hasn’t even started the tear-out or moved the 2 doorways we need to move. I think I need to take a few days off to clear the kitchen out. I want to take before photos as well. My list just keeps getting longer, and I should be a lot more motivated, but all I can think about is baby girl.

I can’t believe its only 9:15! What am I going to do with the rest of my day??

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Pink Flamingos

Posted on March 17, 2008 by Sara

My grandmother had a thing about pink flamingos. She didn’t like them at all. I’m not sure who bought her the first one, but it ended up that she had quite a few, the majority of which were kept in her very pink bathroom. It kind of became a family joke, and despite her initial dislike, I’m pretty sure that she grew fond of them over the years.

I haven’t thought very much, if at all, about flamingos since her passing 2.5 years ago. Why would I, anyway?

CA and I went to Old Navy over the weekend because I had to return a skirt that was much too big. I told her that she could pick something out instead, and she insisted on getting an outfit for her baby sister. She scoured the baby section picking things up, and putting them down for a good fifteen minutes, until she came upon the perfect items. She picked them up and beamed at me “This Mama! This is for my sister!” She had picked a stuffed pink flamingo along with a short sleeved creeper that has a small flamingo embroidered on the upper left hand side. I asked her why she picked this in particular (she also insisted on buying shoes for the baby….but anyway) and she looked at me and said “This is just what I was looking for!”

I didn’t think much about it until telling my mom what she had bought. I kept saying pelican for some reason, and then said……”no, not a pelican……Gramma’s birds……Flamingos!!” All at once it kind of clicked. She’s watching us. She is looking out for this baby. I have to believe that somehow, she was there when CA picked these things out.

My grandmother never met CA; she died 2 months after she was born. Nobody told me how bad it was; or that it might be close to the end. I was dealing with a 20-month old and a newborn, so even if someone had expressed how serious it was, I don’t know if I would have caught on. My grandmother had what I would call an obsession with baby’s hands. She always told me that they were the most beautiful part of a baby. Soon after she passed away, CA started sleeping with her hands folded delicately by her face. She did it for a few months, and then stopped. Again, I’m sure it was my Gramma.


CA at 6 months

She loved ED so much, and I can only imagine how great she would have been with CA, my cousin’s baby girl, and our new baby girl. It’s not fair to these girls that they will never know her. Sometimes it surprises me how much I still miss her. It helps to know that she is out there though, watching us, knowing our children, and watching them grow.

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