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Sucking it Up

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It’s not a secret that I’ve been less than happy with my job for a while. There are a lot of reasons–reasons that should not be put in writing necessarily–for my unhappiness and I have focused and dwelled and stewed about them pretty much since I returned from maternity leave. I’ve spent so much time stewing, in fact, that my work has taken a major nosedive. I don’t particularly want to be doing this work, so why do it, right? So, I’ve been plugging along, doing the bare minimum and sort of lazily checking out other options and not doing anything about them either.

I’ve finally snapped out of my stupidity in the last couple of weeks, in realizing that it’s obvious that the perfect job is not going to just come around and all that I’m really doing by not doing my best work is burning bridges and destroying my credibility. This seems like an incredibly adult realization to come to when I’ve been acting like such a baby.

The fact of the matter is that I have a really good situation happening here. I’m paid well, I get a lot of time off, I work from home, and my hours are flexible. So fucking what if what I’m doing right now isn’t my favorite. So fucking what if I’m no longer The Expert everyone comes to thanks to being shuffled and shuffled and shuffled again. So fucking what if it hurt my feelings when I wasn’t given a choice in where I was placed. It’s over and it’s done. I can’t change the past, so I need to focus on the future.

What it comes down to is that I am here, in this job and I need to make the best of it. I’ve given myself a pep talk, and I’m making a commitment to doing my job well. And in doing my job well, I intend to make myself the best at it regardless of my how I feel about the work itself–making lemonade, if you will. And having committed to it, and promising myself that I’m done slacking, actually makes me feel pretty good.

Being an adult is so much different than I thought it would be.

Suckage

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The temperature gauge at my desk reads 77 degrees. It has been this hot in here since I came in at 12:15 today. I am working until 9 or so; until all of the employees go home for the evening.

This is what sucks about working in one state and reporting in to another. All of the other managers in my department were treated to a happy hour tonight. I was asked to stay behind and run the shop. Why? Because we don’t have the same boss.

Funny thing—when there are hot dog sales, rallies, department fundraising type deals, I am asked to participate; to volunteer my time to sell or man a booth, or to pass things from desk to desk. My associates and I sit here in NY, and support associates who work and report in to NY even though we report in to NC. The whole concept is very interesting to me. I tried to take myself out of the situation and look at it from the outside, and even doing that I have the same conclusion. It is all very unfair.

It’s not like I am included when the management from NC goes out to happy hour. How could I be? Wouldn’t it stand to reason that despite the reporting structure I would be included in the activities where I sit?

Apparently not, unless it somehow benefits them.

Shafted again.

Ho Hum de Dum

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I have a cold and it is making me miserable. It’s not the kind where my nose is completely blocked, but rather the obnoxious kind that drip drip drips down the back of my throat, causing it to sting. I thought about staying home today, but really why bother. I may as well be miserable at work and accomplish something instead of sitting at home with a blanket and the TV……HEY what the heck was I thinking???

My job announced a new benefit plan for 2009 which is, in a word, amazing. 12 weeks of paid maternity leave. I asked The Bean if she’d like to stay in for another 4 months and she told me no way……so I’ll take my 8 weeks. (maybe longer if I have to get this hernia repaired) They are switching to one national health plan which should lower costs, and they are giving each associate a prepaid flex spending account for co pays and prescriptions which increases by how many dependents you cover. I will receive the max, which is $1200 and if I don’t spend it, it rolls over, right up until I retire. The greatest thing though, is childcare assistance. Right now, they offer $175/month/child but only if you make a certain amount of $$ or less. I haven’t qualified since my promotion in 2005. They are raising the income threshold by over $20k AND they are increasing it to $225/month/child. Which with what I pay for part time daycare is like getting one child per month for free. Which means we can afford to send The Bean and not worry about carting her to my parents etc. until ED goes to kindergarten. To say that I am thrilled is an understatement.

I told Hub that the 12 weeks of maternity pay is a sign that we should have a 4th. He laughed and just told me to get through this one first.

I am officially 24-weeks along today, by the way. I feel like I should post a new photo, but I also feel WAY too fat for all of that. I didn’t tell you that I gained 6lbs last month. Ooops.

Honey Crullers be damned!

There Is Nothing Holding This Post Together…..

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To say that I am lazy when it comes to housework is a huge understatement. Clutter is kind of a way of life for us. I don’t see a huge point in spending 2 hours cleaning every night after work when I could be spending time with the kids. I’ve been a little more lax than I should be concerning the kitchen lately, since we are getting all new stuff, but yesterday I got some sort of bug up my ass, and decided at 8:30 that I was scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom. It was like I went in to panic mode or something. There will be people in our house, installing cupboards and what not. They’re not going to think, “Oh, the floor is dirty because they’re getting a new one” but rather “these people are scumbags and rather than clean, they’re getting new stuff!!” So I cleaned until 11PM, and am paying for it today.

Hub noticed though and thanked me (at 2:30 am) without stating the obvious, which is, “What’s the point”. I think I need to have a serious talk with him about talking to me when he gets home though. Isn’t it bad enough that the bean keeps me up with her cervix kicking, leg cramps and heartburn all night?

Funny story—one of my reps who is pregnant called in 3 days in a row last week without giving me a reason. When she came back, she told me that she had called in because she was just so tired, and she knew I would understand. Seriously? Talk to me when you have 2 kids getting up in the middle of the night AND you’re tired from being 6-months pregnant. Ass. (I feel like I told you this story already)

Another story about a pregnant friend (and employee)……she actually had her baby today! She tried for 9 years, since her 1st was born and had been through fertility treatment and several miscarriages. Last summer she said she had enough; and if she was not pregnant by the time she turned 30, she was done. She attempted to sell all of her baby stuff at a garage sale in June, and nobody came. She found out days before her birthday in July that she was pregnant. She had tons of problems and has been out of work since November, and against all odds, this baby, who she named Faith, was born today, healthy and almost 9lbs. I am so thrilled for her and her family. Did you know that today is St. Joseph’s day? He is the patron saint of families. The whole situation, if you ask me, is remarkable.

I am 20 weeks today!! WOOT!! Half way there!!

Happy Tuesday!!

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Somehow, I made it to work at 7:30 this morning. I usually roll in around, say, 9:10 or so, so this is an amazing feat. How, you might ask? Hub came home from work at 5-ish. I was on the couch, where I had been all night. He thought it was important to tell me that ED was in our bed, and ask whether I was aware. I was not, nor did I see how this was relevant conversation for 5AM. After Hub made himself comfy in bed, ED woke up and came out on the couch with me. Sleep was out the window.

I lay on the couch in the dark for about 30 minutes and then decided to screw it, got up and came to work. I even made my own breakfast and coffee instead of stopping. Seriously. AND I wore a skirt and heels. The world may be ending. To top it all off, there was amazing music on my satellite radio on the way in, starting with The Bloodhound Gang and “Fire Water Burn” and ending with Damn Yankees “High Enough” (which I can not get out of my head).

Let’s hope my day doesn’t hit the shitter from here.

I saw my new OB yesterday who was perfect and exactly what I was looking for ( think I mentioned that she was the resident at the hospital and assisted in both of my other deliveries). We had an actual conversation instead of the 3 minute in and out appointments I was getting at the old place. I felt like she truly cared about my well being, and the baby, and making sure we had the absolute best care. It was warm and fuzzy like the old practice was before everyone left. She told me that the DR at the old one only delivers babies one night a week and one weekend a month, so the on call DR’s affiliated with the hospital have to do all of their deliveries. NOBODY told me that, and let me tell you that if some stranger was delivering my baby, I would not have been pleased. So, I’m extremely happy. Hub is happy too because they induce at 38.5-39 weeks. He’s afraid that since CA came so quickly, we won’t have time to go to the hospital. I have strong feelings AGAINST being induced, because pitocin contractions come straight from the devil, but we’ll see where we are—the DR thinks that it is a good option to consider based on the size of my other babies. The other good thing would be that they do them on Mon, Tues or Weds during the day so we could potentially do it when the kids are home and not worry about the middle of the night shuffle. I have to have an ultrasound at 36 weeks to check her size and we’ll go from there, but I think it’s a pretty sure bet that she will be a July baby one way or the other.

I get more excited about her by the day. I will be 20 weeks tomorrow. There is so much to be done!! I’m not allowing myself to go through her clothes and things until I accomplish what I want to get done upstairs, which basically involves an overhaul. Our cupboards came in yesterday, so our kitchen should be done by the end of April at the latest. Hub hasn’t even started the tear-out or moved the 2 doorways we need to move. I think I need to take a few days off to clear the kitchen out. I want to take before photos as well. My list just keeps getting longer, and I should be a lot more motivated, but all I can think about is baby girl.

I can’t believe its only 9:15! What am I going to do with the rest of my day??

Look Out!! Friday Free For All!!!

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I’m not really sure how Friday has become my busiest meeting day at work. I am equally unsure of how 3 donuts ended up in my mouth this morning. Gestational diabetes, here I come!!

I’m not even looking forward to this weekend. It all starts with bringing home ED’s class guinea pig tonight. Tomorrow, hub promised the kids that we could go to breakfast at McDonald’s before their classes. ED’s Tae Kwon Do is at 9:15 and I have to drop them off with enough time to get CA to gymnastics by 9:30. We will be at McDonalds at 8 if anyone wants to join us. (ha) Then, ED and Hub have tickets to the Monster Truck Show tomorrow night, starting with the free pit party at 6. Guess who has to drop them off since Hub doesn’t want to deal with parking??? Oh, right, that would be me!! CA and I are going shopping for the evening and hopefully, FIL will pick them up because I do not want to go downtown at midnight. Sunday is my little cousin’s birthday party, and Hub has to leave for work at 8 PM.

Is it really true that there is a meme going around where people post photos of themselves 1st thing in the morning?? Seriously??? Some of you won’t even post pictures of what you look like normally, much less 1st thing in the morning. I’m working on a theory that it’s not about anonymity, by the way, but rather that you either have bad 80’s hair or lady mullets. That’s right! I’m looking at YOU, Swistle, Fana and Emily!

Clearly, I’m kidding; you don’t have to prove me wrong.

But here is what I look like first thing in the morning—in black and white. The bags under my eyes and greasy hair might kill you in color. Do you like my shirt? It says “Grab your balls! We’re going bowling!!” It is a standard in my PJ wardrobe to the point where if it’s in the wash, ED asks “where is your bowling shirt??”

Can you tell it’s been a long week? I had to have 18 performance and development plans completed by end of business yesterday and the intranet at work kicked me out no less than 30 times. If it weren’t for pregnancy and needing my job, I’d have probably cracked a bottle of something open at my desk, or thrown the computer through a window. Good thing I’m not near any windows, huh?

Finally, if one more person, including my husband makes a comment about me wearing short sleeves, even though it is cold and snowy, I’m going to lose it. I’m hot…not just dead sexy, but HOT. Leave me the hell alone and consider yourself lucky that I haven’t opened the windows.

I think it’s time for another donut!

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I slept hard all night last night without even getting up to pee. If the kids woke up, I didn’t hear them. We woke up this morning to a blanket of ice and snow that took over 30 minutes to scrape/melt off of my car. I never did get it off of my side mirrors. Hooray for March!! (oh, that was sarcasm……)

Yesterday, after starting off quite badly, continued to get worse. I had to let one of my associates go, which is rare in a specialty group such as mine with senior associates. Unfortunately, it was more than warranted. Seeing anyone lose their job, sucks. Being the one to do it sucks more. Firing someone with whom you have worked for over 4 years; someone with whom you have a personal connection to the point where you know their family, sucks even worse than that. Firing someone who is so nice and so sincere, that on his way out the door for the last time he says “Thanks for everything Sara, good luck with the baby” is like a punch in the gut. I felt like throwing up all day long.

I met Hub and ED at Tae Kwon Do last night to find ED crying hysterically. Apparently, he was in trouble for kicking the wall. The teacher asked him once to stop, and when he did not, Hub stepped in. After all of the progress on Monday, you know, the progress that prompted us to pay $600 to cover the next 6 months, he refused to take the class yesterday. There is only one other child in the class and he doesn’t want to do it when she’s there. We are working on it. The teacher is doing a private lesson for him this afternoon. This poor child has inherited my childhood wallflower personality. He gets uncomfortable and embarrassed so easily (which is why it took him 4 months to adjust to his new daycare) but in familiar situations, he is a completely different kid. We still feel like Tae Kwon Do is what he needs, but it sure is frustrating to see him behave this way after doing do well.

I feel like I need to point out that I don’t think that I can go to Tae Kwon Do anymore because of the teacher, and his man feet, that get way too close to me for comfort.

In a bout of pregnancy induced stupidity, I almost climbed in to someone else’s car. It was the same style and color of mine and when I walked up to it and saw the number pad under the door handle I did not think “oh, this can’t be my car; we don’t have that”, but instead thought “Hey, when did we get these???” and proceeded to try and unlock the car with my keys. Yes, I am an idiot.

Finally, ***FINALLY!!!!!*** tomorrow morning is my appointment. It is at 9AM, so as soon as I am back at work, (we are taking the kids and will probably get breakfast afterward) I will let you know what we found out. Use your superpowers and will the baby to be gracious for me. I’ll be doing the same thing!!!

Oh, and P.S. please say some prayers for my blogging pal Bananafana who is 33 weeks pregnant and had some complications last night. We really need for her and the baby to be just fine. You can read all about it here.